Binary Star: The choice between past and present
by Lisaslovestories
Summary: Two years after Edward left in NM Bella has moved away, but her life turns upside down when she falls in love with the one man she shouldn't love. One day Edward returns, and he wants her back. A dangerous triangel drama follows, with lives at stake..
1. Eyes of Gold

**Preface.**

_How could this be? Was the universe playing some sick, twisted game with me, trying to test the many ways a heart could be scattered and still be expected to keep beating?_

_For two years I had been a living dead, walking through life with no hope, no purpose, no desire to go anywhere but back. _

_And now? When I had finally began to take careful steps forward,__ to explore the world outside the isolated hell that I was living, Life decided to throw this my way? _

_Yes, someone was indeed playing a sick game, and I was the main character._

* * *

**Chapter One**

**Eyes of gold**

_Take a look at my body  
Look at my hands  
There's so much here that I don't understand  
Your face-saving promises  
Whispered like prayers  
I don't need them_

_'Cause I've been treated so wrong,  
I've been treated so long  
As if I'm becoming untouchable_

_Well, contempt loves the silence, it thrives in the dark  
With fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart  
They say that promises sweeten the blow  
But I don't need them, no I don't need them_

_Do you remember the way that you touched me before  
All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored  
Your face-saving promises  
Whispered liked prayers  
I don't need them_

_I need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weakness  
Oh, I need this  
I need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight, angel, sweet love of my life_

* * *

I woke up to a shrill noise, flinging my arm out to pound it down the snooze button on my alarm clock. Once again I wondered how on earth I never managed to remember to change that stupid signal, it sounded like a fire alarm gone wild rather than a regular alarm clock and it made me wake up cranky and annoyed every morning. Yet somehow I always forgot to change the signal as soon as I got out of bed. I was embarrassed to admit that I had been waking up to that horrible noise for almost a year now. Sometimes change takes time, if it happens at all that is.

But this day was different, because today I was not just going to get up, dress, choke down a glass of juice and leave for work like I had done almost every morning for the past year. No, my job at the small café just around the corner from my apartment was now a place where I only worked during the weekends.

As from today, I was starting school again.

I wasn't really sure how I felt about it, probably indifferent like I did about most things these days. There was no purpose, it just needed to be done for the sake of it.

So after I rolled out of bed, once again forgetting to change the signal on my alarm clock, I walked over to my drawer to find something to wear on this first day of 'what ever the reason', looking for clothes that would help me melt into the background, allowing me to avoid being seen or spoken to what so ever. It didn't hurt to try anyway.

As I was digging through shirts, each having either too much colour or in other ways being simply wrong for the 'melting into background' task, my eyes for a moment rested on the white, long sleeved t-shirt I had worn the last time I had started a new school. I didn't even have time to catch myself before my mind was throwing images at me. Memories, usually locked safely away in the back of my head, where surfacing and blocking everything else out.

_Sitting in the cafeteria, trying to make small talk with strangers. Seeing Him sitting in the other end of the room, feeling His eyes on me. Walking into class to find that the only seat open was next to Him. Feeling a current of electricity from His body. Meeting His murderous glare as I looked into His midnight black eyes…_

It felt like someone had slapped me in the face. Most days I was able to almost keep him out of my thoughts all together. It had taken some time, the first year after he had left he was always in my mind, constantly overshadowing everything else.

But now he only hunted my dreams at night. There was no way to stop that and I still woke up screaming in the middle of the night, clutching my hands to my chest and realizing that I was still alone and that he hadn't come back for me.

I suppose you could say I eventually started cutting off my feelings for everything, it all hurt too much and I was afraid that if I could feel again then the pain would overwhelm me and I was sure my body would physically drown in it all. So I put up walls around me, I made them high and impenetrable so that no one would ever have a chance to hurt me like that again. It hadn't been just a heart break, it had been an complete body and soul break down and I was only now starting to feel like I was getting some balance back into my life.

For a year I had convinced myself that I couldn't leave Forks. I had stayed home after I graduated and just filled time dreaming that he would come back.

Jacob had been a good help, he had been able to put some of the pieces of me back in place but he could never really heal me. When he had met Caroline the first summer after Edward left I had known that it was time for me to move on as well. I couldn't stay in Fork any longer, I couldn't keep waiting for someone who would never return, when that someone didn't even love me.

So I moved. I took all my things and travelled to Rochester where I got a job at a coffee shop. I worked there for a year and though I liked it very much I knew I needed to get a real education. After encouragement from Jake I eventually applied for Rochester college and thanks to my impeccable grades – a result of having nothing else in my life but school work during my last year in Forks – I got in.

I had set up a goal for myself since I needed something to work for to keep me motivated and I knew the second the thought came to me that it was right choice; I would be a teacher. English teacher, since that had always been my favorite subject.

The walk from my apartment to the college wasn't long, just 15 minutes if I kept up a normal pace. When the building came into view I felt the first surge of nervousness. New school, new people, new friendships. Was I really ready for this?

When I entered the building I discovered how much stronger and confident I was starting a new school this time around. Before I knew it, I had gotten my schedule and all the other necessary papers and was walking to B13 where my first seminar would be.

English literature, I noticed with a smile. Good start.

I found the classroom easily, following a group of students all looking a bit confused and nervous. I figured it was their first day as well.

We settled into our seats, I chose the one in the second row, next to a girl with long blonde hair and who didn't look quite as nervous as the rest.

She smiled at me as I sat down and extended a hand. I was a bit shocked but took it quickly, not wanting to offend her by hesitating. I wasn't good with socializing with strangers so I generally kept to myself.

"Hi, I'm Anna. I just moved here from Santa Barbara. What's your name?"

Santa Barbara, I thought. That would explain her golden sun kissed skin.

"I'm Bella Swan. I've lived here for about a year but I'm from small town in Washington originally."

"Oh, that's cool, then you'll know all the good places to go during the weekends, right?" She smiled a friendly smile at me, and before I got a chance to admit that I really had no clue where people went, the door opened and the teacher walked in.

My heart stopped beating and my breath caught the second my eyes fell on him.

He was long, with a perfectly lean and muscled body, brown hair, beautiful cheekbones and a mezmorizing smile on his lips.

All that made for an altogether gorgeous man. Just that those were not the features that had made my heart stop.

This man was pale, he moved with the same grace I had only seen one person do before and his eyes were golden butterscotch.

I didn't have to look at him twice to know that he was a vampire.

* * *

**I love love love reviews! And since this story is complete, I also love when new readers comments on chapters as they go, it's amazing to hear your thoughts throughout the story :)**


	2. Marble Touch

**Chapter Two**

**Marble touch**

Their words mostly noises  
Ghosts with just voices  
Your words in my memory  
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,  
I lay down on the cold ground  
And I, I pray that something picks me up  
And sets me down in your warm arms

* * *

My eyes were locked on the man who had just walked through the door. I couldn't possibly look away, I was hypnotized.

I hadn't seen another vampire since… Since September two years ago, when He had left me in the forest. As time passed, my mind had almost managed to convince me that it had all been a dream. But here it was; the proof that He had not just been a figment of my imagination.

I kept looking at him as he walked towards his desk, and just when he was about to sit down, he turned his head and met my gaze.

Those eyes, so much like the ones I had missed for two years, were now looking into mine. There was something there; he didn't look at me the way strangers normally looked at each other. The intensity caught me of guard.

And then it stopped, he looked away from me and faced the room full of students. Innocent students who had no idea of the nature of their new teacher.

"Hi everyone, my name is Derek Hawkins and I am your English literature teacher."

His voice was just as I would have imagined it to be; deep, intriguing and with that unusual tone that only vampires had. Once again I was reminded of Edward.

"We'll be starting this year with reading a classic novel, which we will discuss here in class in small groups after each chapter. The first book you will be presented to is 'Jane Eyre' by Charlotte Brontë. I assume that you all know of that one?"

All the students nodded, appearing eager to start the task. I, however, was less then eager. Great, just great! He just had to choose a book where one of the main characters had the same name as the man who had broken my heart. So now I had about 40 chapters of listening to people throw the name Edward around. Life seemed to enjoy mocking me in the worst ways.

"Okey, so today we'll start reading the first chapter. I thought that it would be a good idea if you all get to read to the class from it. So, shall we start at the right with you, miss..?"

I was still so lost in my inner turmoil about having to endure class after class with 'Edward' that I first didn't realize that Mr. Hawkins was talking to me. Anna nudged my elbow and gestured with her head towards him.

I could feel the blush coming as I looked up and met his gaze. He stared into my eyes with the same intensity as before and my thoughts became even more tangled.

"I'm sorry, what?" I said, feeling embarrassed. It was only my first class and I couldn't even pay attention to what the teacher was saying? Smart move Bella.

Mr. Hawkins just smiled, and it wasn't just any smile. It was almost the same cricked smile that Edw-. I stopped there. No, I couldn't let him get into every single thought I had today, it was stupid and dangerous and obviously not helping my concentration.

"I asked if you would like to read chapter one?" He still smiled, and his eyes held no irritation over my obvious distraction from his lection.

"Yes, of course" I answered quickly, feeling the stares from my classmates around the room.

Mr. Hawkins walked up to my desk and my heartbeats quickened. I know it was stupid, but I suddenly felt like I had to touch his skin somehow. I already had all the evidence needed to be sure that he was without a doubt a vampire, but still… I wanted to know if his skin would feel like cold marble, just like Edward's had. The memory of Edward's touch had begun to fade, and no matter how hard I tried to hold on to it, it kept slipping away from me. Maybe if I was reminded this way…

He held out his hand to me with a copy of 'Jane Eyre'. I reached forward and when my fingers closed around the book, I deliberately let my forefinger touch his skin for half a second. That was all it took though.

The feeling that coursed through me could not be compared to the way it had felt when Edward touched me; it was so different but yet, somehow, the same.

There had been electricity between me and Edward, strong and almost visible. Each time he touched me, my skin would be left tingling afterwards.

This was not electricity, it was more like… Something warm, like waves of water through my body. I shivered with delight at the sensation, it felt amazing.

All this only took that half second for me to comprehend; I was still closing my fingers around the book. When I looked up I saw the same expression on his face that probably was one mine, only his held even more confusion.

I tore my eyes away from his and opened the book to its first chapter. I would have to stay completely focused on the text to not get lost in my chain of thoughts. Luckily for me, Edward wouldn't appear in the book for about 10 chapters.

When the bell rang everyone started collecting their belongings quickly to go to their next class. I didn't have my next one for about an hour, so I figured I would find somewhere to sit and think through what having a vampire as my teacher would mean. Especially one that made my body react in such strange ways at just one touch…

I got up and grabbed my bag, noticing that the room was now empty except for Mr. Hawkins and me. I didn't see him walk closer, I felt it.

The same feeling as before crept up on me, making me feel almost numb with its gentle waves of warmth.

"Miss Swan?" His voice was low, alluring and much closer then I had thought. I turned around to find myself only inches away from his face and those searching golden eyes.

"Y-yes, Mr. Hawkins?" I managed to stutter. I felt this bizarre impulse to lean forward and breathe in his scent. It was intoxicating.

"You know what I am, don't you?" He asked, his voice was still as low and I couldn't have looked away from his eyes if my life depended on it. My mind panicked, how could he possibly know? What was I going to answer?

"I don't know what… What you are talking about sir." My lying hadn't improved the slightest over the years I discovered.

Mr. Hawkins laughed softly, and I felt a wave of his sweet breathe on my face as I inhaled deeply.

"Miss Swan, you don't have to pretend to not know what I'm talking about. You see, I have a very convenient gift. I can sense when someone knows what I am. The strength of the feeling depends on how well they know. If it's just a suspicion, it's quite subtle. But in your case, well let's just say I knew before I walked through the door that someone in the room was very, very informed about vampires."

I swallowed hard, trying to come up with a response. It was useless to lie, so I would stick to the truth.

"Yes. I was… around vampires a while ago. We became friends and I figured out the truth."

Mr. Hawkins smiled, and it was the same 'Edward smile' as before. My knees felt week.

"I see. Were they also, what should we call it, vegetarians?"

I laughed at his choice of words; it was the same one that Edward had used to describe his family's lifestyle. And then I froze, realizing that I had just laughed for real at something that was connected to Edward, and it hadn't hurt. The first time in two years, and it was in the company of another vampire. Weird.

"Yes, their whole coven was vegetarians. But some had more trouble sticking to the diet than others."

How was I able to stand here and talk about my lost family without feeling that excruciating pain through my heart that I had felt every time they had crossed my mind for the last two years? What was it with Mr. Hawkins that made me feel, almost, normal again?

Suddenly he turned his head towards the door and straightened up, releasing me from the power of his gaze. I shook my head dizzily, trying to focus.

"Someone is coming, we should probably continue this another time." He said, turning back to me. I just nodded, I didn't know what I felt, except that I was suddenly more than a little annoyed at who ever it was that was forcing us to break up this moment of ours.

He looked me in the eyes again, seeming to think something over. I couldn't do anything but look back. His gaze was hypnotizing.

"What would you say to maybe come over to my place later? We could talk privately and get to know each other, and I would really like to hear more about my fellow vegetarians. If you would feel comfortable with being alone with me, that is?"

I didn't even wait to think it over, my mind was already set.

"Yes, I would like that. We can meet by the supermarket outside the school around 5?"

Was I really saying this? Making plans to meet my teacher after school? This was so forbidden, in more ways than one.

"I'll see you there then, Miss Swan" He answered with a smile just as the door handle was pushed down. I blinked once and he was back behind his desk, organizing papers into a stack.

The door opened then and three students walked in.

"So I will bring an extra copy of that book for you tomorrow then, Miss Swan" Mr. Hawkins said. I nodded and kept my head down as I passed the students by the door.

Once I got out into the empty hallway I suddenly realized what I had just agreed on.

I was going on a date with a vampire.

Who was my teacher.

And who's every move reminded me of Edward.

How was this possibly going to end?


	3. Conversation with a Vampire

**Chapter Three**

**Conversation with a vampire**

Help, I have done it again  
I have been here many times before  
Hurt myself again today  
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend  
Hold me, wrap me up  
Unfold me  
I am small  
I'm needy  
Warm me up  
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again  
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,  
Yeah I think that I might break  
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

* * *

The rest of the school day passed in some kind of blur, I was too caught up in my thoughts about the afternoon to pay any attention to what I was doing. Luckily for me, the three classes I had left didn't require me to be very present. I think Anna was offended by my lack of concentration though, we sat next to each other in math too, and I couldn't give her a proper answer to any of her questions about where I used to go and what I did during the weekends.

My last class ended at 4, and I could feel the nervousness building up inside of me. Since I had an hour before I would meet up Mr. Hawkins I thought I should walk home and change clothes and try to calm down a bit. The walk would do me good I decided.

When I got back to my place I saw that I had a new message on my machine. I pushed the red button to listen to it while I went to my drawer and tried to find something to wear.

"Hi Bella, it's me" Jake's voice was just as happy as always. I smiled, I missed my friend so much, and we hadn't seen each other since last Christmas when I had been home to stay with Charlie for two weeks. Although me and Jake kept in touch over the phone, I still missed the time when I would sit in his garage, listen to him talk on and on about his friends and everything else between heaven and earth. It had been a good time, and Jake had really been the one to start putting me together again after the break. Without his help, I wouldn't have come as far as I had by now. I owed him so much.

"Just calling to hear how the first day went? Knowing you you probably already have A's in everything, right?" He laughed. I laughed too; at how wrong he was. I couldn't even remember one single class I had had today, except for English of course…

"Everything is pretty much the same back here, I talked to Charlie last week and he was wondering if you were planning to come how for your birthday? It's only two weeks away, if you had forgotten. Anyway I hope you do, I thought we could get the pack together and invite Charlie here to La Push to celebrate? Turning 20 Bella, it's a big deal you know. Everyone misses you over here, and if you want we can pretend it's not your birthday and just hang out instead. Let me know how you wanna do it, I have to go now, Caroline's calling. Take care honey, miss you"

He hung up, and I just stared at the phone. My birthday was in two weeks. So it was soon the anniversary of the big break as well… I gasped and clutched my chest with my hands as the memory of it crashed down on me with full force. Edward's cold and hard expression as he told me he didn't want me, that I wasn't good enough. His lips against my forehead as he whispered those last words…

"No no no no no" I said out loud in a weak voice. I couldn't allow myself to think about that, I had to forget about it. Forget about him. He couldn't haunt my every thought like this; he couldn't be allowed to still hurt me after two years.

I had tried to forget about him, but my mind still remembered his face, my heart still remembered the pain. I fought to forget about him at the same time as I fought to never lose the memories we shared. Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget.

I shook my head, and spoke to myself out loud.

"Bella, you have to stop this. Now."

I had found that speaking to myself actually worked better that just mentally scolding myself when my thoughts ran wild.

I pulled out a blue shirt from the drawer and quickly changed, one look at the clock told me that my little trip down memory lane had made me late, so I hurried to grab my bag and ran outside. I was eager now, and strangely enough not scared. There was something with Mr. Hawkins that made me feel safe. Maybe his smile, or the way he was so calm and collected and allowed for me to think through things instead of demanding an answer right away. What ever the reason, I found myself walking with quick pace towards our meeting spot.

I got there two minutes early, but he was already there waiting. I couldn't help but to smile when he turned his head and met my gaze. My heartbeats seemed to pick up, and I had to breathe deeply to try and calm it. He would be able to hear it.

He started walking towards me, and his lips turned up into that beautiful smile of his. He stopped when he was a bit closer to me than a person would normally stand, and I noticed that he was taller than I had thought before. Taller than Edw-…

But I stopped that thought right there. I found that it was easier to do than it was when I was alone.

"I'm glad you decided to come. I wasn't sure you would once you had the chance to think it over. I was afraid I might have scared you before" He said.

"You didn't scare me, Mr. Hawkins. I'm not that easily frightened" I answered smiling.

"So it would seem. But please, call me Derek. Mr. Hawkins makes me feel so old. Not that I am as young as I seem, but still" He winked at me, and my heart seemed to be getting warmer with every word he spoke.

I thought about asking for his age, but I wasn't sure he would want to answer. He looked about 24, but as with any vampire, looks were very deceiving.

"Yes, you may ask my age." He laughed, and I froze. Was he a mind reader? Please please let him not be a-..

"I can see that you are curious, I would be too." He continued and I breathed a sigh of relief. Good, I didn't know if I could have handled if he had been able to read minds. I had had enough of that.

"So, how old are you then?" I asked.

"Well, physically I'm 21, but I was born in 1897 so technically I'm 113." He said, scrutinizing me with his eyes, probably to see if I would be upset by his age. Needless to say I wasn't. I had become used to hanging out with people a couple of hundred years my senior. It didn't bother me.

I nodded, and we began walking in the opposite direction that I had come from. We were silent for a while, and I could tell he wanted to let me process what he had just shared.

"And how long have you been… A vegetarian?" I asked, and could help but to smile. What was with me? I hadn't smiled this much in god knows how long, and it felt so right, so effortless.

He smiled too, and seemed to relax when he saw that I wasn't upset about his age.

"I've never had one drop of human blood inside me. Ever since I woke up I have still had such a strong bond to humans, it might sound strange but I still feel like one in some ways. So you see, I could never have killed a human. It was harder in the beginning of course, when I was a newborn. But I managed to control myself and over the years the craving for it stopped, and it has allowed me to interact with humans and to live with them in a way that I could never have been able to do otherwise." He said, and for a minute he just looked straight ahead, lost in his own thoughts. Then he turned his head back to me and smiled a cricked smile.

"But I have never in my life met someone like you, Bella."

That was the first time ha had said my name, and the way it sounded in his voice made me shiver with pleasure.

We kept walking for about 10 minutes until we came to a stop outside a high metal fence. Derek opened the gate and held it open for me to enter. My eyes immediately fell on the gorgeous white house in front of me; it was quite big, and looked to be at least 100 years old. The garden in front of the house was beautiful, bushes and trees grew by the fence, protecting the house from view so that pedestrians had no chance to peek inside.

The lawn was perfectly mown, and flowers grew everywhere in different colors and shapes. It was like a small meadow, shielded of from the outside world. Of course, my heart ached when the word meadow ran through my head. But before my mind could start dragging up the memories of me and Edward in our meadow, I felt Derek's hand softly touch mine for just a second.

The same feeling of warm waves flow through me now, and every other thought disappeared in an instant.

I looked up to see Derek watching me with speculation in his deep, golden eyes.

"Did you feel that?" He asked. My heart jolted, could he feel it too?

"Yes, I did feel it" I answered. Then I froze as his hand reached out and, light as a feather, brushed my cheek. The previous feeling multiplied, and I closed my eyes at the sensation.

In two years I hadn't felt anything like this, I hadn't felt this whole or happy. But now I could almost feel it as one part of my broken heart was put back in place.

Was this what it was like to feel well? It had been so long since I had been touched that way, since anyone had looked at me the way Derek did.

My eyes were still closed when I suddenly felt something cold against my lips, again with the softest touch possible. My entire body felt so alive, my heart beat healthy and strong again.

I reached my arms out and placed them around his neck at the same time as he placed his around my waist and pulled me closer. The kiss deepened, intensified and I hugged myself impossibly closer while his hands stroke my back. Everything else in the world ceased to exist we stood there, and for a short second when our lips parted me mumbled my name…

And then, like someone had taken a knife to my heart and had cut with a colossal amount of strength, one thought was suddenly everywhere. Edward.


	4. Piece by Piece

**Chapter Four**

**Piece by piece**

We'll do it all, Everything, On our own  
We don't need, Anything, Or anyone

If I lay here, If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

I don't quite know, How to say, How I feel

Those three words, Are said too much, They're not enough  
If I lay here, If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

* * *

I thought I had my thoughts under control; that I had managed to come as far as to be able to not think about Edward if I set my mind to it. But here he was, infiltrating every single part of both my heart and soul. I felt like the pain from his absence would make my heart stop beating right then and there. The hole in my chest that was ever present seemed to grow bigger, just when I had started to feel like it was getting better after all this time.

Derek could feel my tension, and pulled away to look at me. I could feel the tears building up, and I felt so embarrassed for my behavior. What would he think of me now?

"Bella, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to kiss you without asking your permission, but I couldn't stop myself. Please forgive me?"

What was he saying? Was he apologizing for making me feel the best I'd felt in years, -if only for a while-, when I was the one who should be saying sorry? I shook my head and tried to find some way to explain.

"No, Derek it's not your fault I just… I think I need to tell you something." My heart started pounding faster, but I knew I had to explain to him what I had been through, and why I acted the way I did. He had to know that I was broken.

"Come, let's sit down for a while" He said, and then he led the way to a wooden bench underneath a three. Its branches hung down, creating what felt like a green room. It was mind blowing how beautiful this garden was.

We sat down close beside each other on the bench, and he held my hand in his the whole time. I tried to gather strength to get through this without breaking down in front of him again. It was the first time I had ever talked to anyone about this and I wasn't sure how saying everything out loud would affect me.

"Okey, I'm going to tell you about the last time I was involved with vampires, but I need you to not say anything until I'm finished, alright?"

Derek nodded, looking concerned. He didn't speak, so I started talking.

"About two and a half years ago I started a new school, and on my first day met this boy. He was so different from everyone else, and he and his family always kept to themselves.

At first, I thought he hated me. He didn't speak to me, and avoided me for a long time.

Then one day I almost had a terrible accident, but he saved me. The way he did it made me realize that there was something not human about him, and I started paying attention to all the small details that made him stand out from everyone else.

He began talking to me again, and once I confronted him about my theories he told me I was right. He explained to me that the reason he had avoided me was because the smell of my blood was so much stronger and harder to resist than anything he'd ever come across before. We started getting to know each other, and we fell in love. Or at least, I did.

We were together for about 6 months, and I didn't know it was possible to love someone as much as I did him. He was my life, he meant everything to me and I thought we would be together always. But then one day he took me out to the forest and he told me that he didn't want me anymore, that I was not good enough for him. I tried to make him stay with me, but he left. I was so broken, I still am. He took everything with him when he left, and for a year I was more dead than alive. I had no reason to live when he was gone, and I couldn't be happy without him. Eventually, I moved here. I felt like I needed to get away to try and start living again. And I have been getting better, I thought so at least.

I'm still trying so hard to make it through every single day; it still hurts too much to even think about it. I've never felt truly happy for two years, until today."

I had been looking at my hands for the entire time, afraid that if I saw any reaction in his eyes to my words I wouldn't be able to continue. But when I looked up and saw the expression in his face, I could feel something changing. Like some weight that had been pressing down on my shoulders for two years had finally disappeared.

Derek looked at me with understanding, not pity or anything like it. His eyes were sympathetic, and I could see that he sensed how hard this was for me to talk about.

"Bella, I'm so sorry for what you have had to go through. I can't even begin to comprehend your pain, but I can hear in the way you speak about him that you love him still. I feel ashamed now, the way I have acted. It must be so hard to be around me, and to be reminded of him when you see me. I wish you no harm, you are truly an amazing person, and I will stay away if my presence is too painful for you. It will be hard for me though, because like I said; I have never met anyone like you and I feel so drawn to you. But I will do whatever you want me to."

His earnest gaze and the way he spoke made it clear that he would indeed do anything I wanted. But he had misunderstood, for I didn't wish for him to stay away. I needed him to be closer, all the time.

"No Derek, you don't understand. I want you to be here, your presence is what makes me feel better. It's like I can feel myself mending while I'm with you. I don't want you to go anywhere." I slowly reached my hand up and stroked his cheek, his eyes closed at my touch and he sighed.

"Then this is where I'll be."

I leaned forward and kissed him again, and this time Edwards face did not haunt me.

The two weeks before my birthday passed quickly. I stayed focused in school, I still had my goal clearly set up before me, and I would get there. I loved all my classes, but of course I felt extra enthusiastic every time I had English class. No one at the school could ever have guessed that there was something going on between me and Derek, we behaved just like students and teachers normally did with each other. Polite, but never talking about anything but school work.

After school was a completely different matter of course. We spent every single moment together and talked about everything. I loved hearing him speak about his life and all the things he had done and the people he had met. It turned out that he had been almost everywhere in the world, almost always working as a teacher. It was his calling in life he said, to help educate people and to be able to see them mature and finding out what they wanted out of life.

We didn't talk much about Edward after that one time in his garden. He asked once about the rest of the family, but he could sense not to ask me more about Edward.

I was better now, but far from healed.

Jake had called again a week before my birthday and asked me if I had decided to come back to Forks. My birthday was on a Saturday, so I thought I would leave after school on Friday and go back on Sunday.

There was only one problem though, but it was big enough to give me a constant headache every time I thought about it. What was I going to tell Jake about Derek?

I didn't know how he would react to me being involved with a vampire again, but I could guess that it wouldn't be popular at all. Even I couldn't really understand how I got myself into all of this, two vampire boyfriends and one werewolf best friend? I sure knew how to pick them…

But I felt so much stronger now than I had before, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep anything from Jake so I decided to tell him everything. He loved me enough to stand by me through anything, this I knew.

Still, my heart began beating erratically when I picked up the phone to call him. I tried to stay calm and went through my practiced speech in my head while I waited for him to pick up.

"Hello?" Jake answered on the forth ring. I decided that I couldn't do small talk right now so I just jumped right into it.

"Jake, it's me. I need to tell you something and you are not allowed to yell at me or to cut me of before I have finished speaking, or else I hang up on you and never speak to you again, is that clear?" I said in one breath.

"What's going on Bella?" Jake sounded alarmed, and I took a deep breath before speaking.

"Do you promise?" I said.

"Yes Bella, just tell me what's the matter! Your kind of scaring me."

Okey, here it goes I thought.

"Jake, I have met someone. A guy, and it's the most inappropriate thing ever but it doesn't matter because… I think I am starting to fall in love with him." I paused for a minute and Jake seemed to take this as permission for him to speak.

"Bella that's great! I mean I don't know why it's inappropriate yet but you know that if you're happy, I'm happy"

Oh, he was in for quite the shocker.

"Hold on to that thought Jake. Remember what you just said." I sucked in a deep breath and rushed out the words.

"His name is Derek, and he's my teacher. And he's also… Well he is kind of a…"

Ooh shoot, I couldn't get the words out and before I could finish Jake spoke again.

"Kinky, Bella." He laughed, probably believing that the worst part was over.

"Jake, Derek is a vampire."

Had Jake ever been silent for this long in his whole life, I wondered? He hadn't said anything in 4 minutes now, and I didn't want to interfere with whatever was going through his head.

Two minutes later, when I was just about to ask if he was still there, he spoke.

"You're absolutely mental, you know that right? You are aware of what you are getting yourself into? I don't need to remind you of what happened last time, I'm sure."

He spoke calmly, but I could hear the effort it took for him to not scream at me.

"I know, but please understand that this was not something I planned, Jacob. I never meant for this to happen but Derek… He makes me feel better. When I'm with him I don't think of what happened, I feel normal again. It's like I am being put back together just by being with him."

Jake sighed, and I knew that he didn't want to argue with me. He could hear the honesty in my voice.

"You know what you have to do now, right?" He asked after a minute of silence.

"What?" I had know idea what he was referring to.

"Come on Bella, you can't expect me to let you get involved with someone without me meeting him, even if he's a vampire." He said the last word with some difficulty.

"Did you just say that you want me to bring Derek to Forks so that you can meet him?"

Was he joking? Bringing my vampire boyfriend home to meet my werewolf best friend; there was just too many ways that could end badly.

"Of course you're going to bring him. I have to see who this person is that's spending time with my best friend. And besides, you know it would Charlie happy. He's been so worried about you, and he would be relieved to hear that you've met someone. But he probably doesn't need to hear all the details. Let's just keep the words 'teacher' and 'vampire' out of the conversation, okey?"

Was Jake right? Should I bring Derek to meet my dad and my friends? I was so confused, but what Jake had said about Charlie being worried about me made me want to bring him.

"I… I don't know Jake, is this really a good idea?"

"Bella, you're bringing him. End of discussion." Jake was really sure about this, so should I trust his judgment? I always had before, Jake always seemed to know what was best for me so I decided to go with it.

"If you think it's the best thing to do then I trust you. I have to ask Derek first of course"

"Do that, and then call me tomorrow okey? And Bella… Take care of yourself, you hear that?" He said, obvious concern in his voice.

"I will. Thank you Jake, I'm so relieved to have told you about all this, and I hope everything will work out okey. You'll like Derek, I know you will."

Jake huffed, and I had to laugh.

"Talk to you tomorrow then Jake"

"Yeah, sleep tight Bella"

We hung up, and I went to sit in my sofa. Derek would be coming over soon, and I would ask him if he wanted to come with me to Forks. I had no idea what he would say, but I hoped that he would say yes.

As I sat and stared out the window and saw the darkening, rainy street outside I began to think through everything that had happened since I started school.

My mind hadn't really had time to catch up with everything, and I felt like I needed to sort it all out.

I thought about Derek, and how he had in a short time had become such a big and important part of my life here. I still couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I had, again, fallen for a vampire. Nor did I want to think too much on it, I would start questioning my sanity if I did. But Derek was so human, the way he talked and acted I would never had known anything if it wasn't for his appearance. Those wonderful golden eyes, that smile that made my knees week… Every time he laughed I could feel myself falling for him more and more. It wasn't the same thing as it had been with Edward.

With him, it had been so unconditionally, so head over heels that I had no time to even think about what I was doing. I had just thrown myself into it, with my heart in my hands and given it to him to hold forever. But when forever had ended he had given it back to me in a million pieces, with no answers to how I would ever make it whole again. I had been so young and in love that I hadn't even thought about the idea that he would ever leave.

I was older now, and I was much too afraid and to scarred to ever allow that to happen again.

But Derek had slowly started to take away some of the walls I had built around my broken heart, and the more time we spent together the more I found that I still had the ability to trust inside of me. I wasn't broken beyond repair anymore, I could be healed but it would take time.

And Derek had assured me that if it was one thing he had, it was time.

The doorbell rang then, and I jumped up and ran to the door to let him in.

He was laughing and shaking his wet hair at me, and I joined in his laughter and backed away so that he could step inside.

"Wow, the rain is really coming down hard tonight. I almost drowned on my way here" He said as he took of his soaking black jacket and hung it up behind the door.

"I'm glad you didn't" I answered with a smile. He smiled back and came to put his arms around me. I leaned my head against his chest and breathed in his wonderful smell.

When we stood like this, nothing else in the world could ever get to me. When he had his arms around me I felt safe, and I knew that he would protect me from any harm.

"You know… I might just drown if I go outside again… Perhaps it would be safer if I stayed here tonight? If you would want that?" I froze, suddenly unsure of what I wanted. Derek and I had kissed a lot, but nothing more than that. I wasn't even sure if he could, if we would be able to…

He sensed my stress and gently stroked my hair, and then he took my head between his hands and made me look at him. I was struck once again at how beautiful he was, I never got used to it.

"It's okey if you don't want me to, I'm sure I'll make it home alive" He said and winked.

But I did want him to stay, I just wasn't sure if he expected anything other than sitting here watching me sleep. I figured that I would ask him some personal questions; we had never really gotten to the subject of his past girlfriends and I was suddenly very curious.

"No, I want you to stay. There are actually a few things I would like to ask you, if you don't mind?"

"Bella, you know you can ask me anything. I don't have any secrets from you"

He took my hand and kissed it, then led the way to the bed where we sat down together.

I felt a tingling in my stomach, I was nervous to what his answers would be.

"So, what's on your mind?" He asked as he held my hand and played with my fingers, lacing them with his and stroking my skin so I got goose bumps all over my body.

"Well, I'm kind of curious of a specific part of your past… I've told you about my only boyfriend, but you haven't said anything about former girlfriends or anything." I mumbled, the nervousness and his hands on my skin made it hard to think straight but I hoped he would understand what I wanted to know.

He laughed a soft, quiet laugh and shook his head slowly.

"I should have guessed that this question would come up sooner or later." Derek said, looking at me with mischievous eyes.

"The answer you are looking for is no. I haven't been with anyone like this before; I never even thought it was in my cards until I met you." I drew a breath of relief. Good, so I had no crazy ex vampire girlfriends to look out for. That was comforting.

When I looked up from our hands to meet his eyes I saw that he too was looking down, and I realized that he must be just as nervous as I was, if not more. I had at least had a relationship before, no matter how it all ended.

"Can I ask you a personal question now?" He asked, still looking down at our interlaced hands.

"Yes?" I said and waited for him to look up. When he did, he had an anxious expression on his face that made my heart beats pick up. What did he want to know?

"I was wondering… And you don't have to answer if you don't want to, alright? I was just curious if you and he ever…" He trailed of, and I knew what he was getting at.

"No" I answered honestly. "We never did. It was hard for him to be close to me, and he was very careful with his boundaries"

Derek nodded, and seemed less anxious now that we had gotten that talk out of the way.

The rest of the evening we spend talking about all the things we hadn't got to during the week, and when I asked him if he would like to come with me to Forks and visit my dad and my friends for my birthday he didn't hesitate one second before saying yes.

It was a Friday night so we stayed up late, lost in conversation. Eventually though I couldn't hide my yawns anymore and Derek laughed as I tried to stifle a big one.

"You should probably get some sleep, I don't want to keep you up too late" He stood up and walked over to the window. I jumped up too and grabbed my pyjamas as on my way to the bathroom. There I quickly brushed my teeth and my hair, washed my face, changed into my t-shirt and sweatpants and then skipped back out, eager to be close to Derek again.

When I saw him he was still standing by the window, and he turned and smiled when I came into view.

"You look gorgeous" He said. I blushed and went to turn out the lights in the apartment. Then I crawled into bed and looked at him, he was watching me with a hesitant expression on his face.

"Would you lay beside me tonight? Just holding me?" I hadn't even finished before he was by the bed and lay down close to me.

"I'll hold you forever." He whispered in my ear.

It didn't take long before I fell asleep in his arms. And for the first time in three years, he was the only one in my dreams.


	5. The Return

**Chapter Five**

**The return**

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave  
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

You used to captivate me by your resonating light  
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

* * *

My first four months with Derek I would always remember as the time when I truly came back to life. After our visit in Forks, where he charmed both Charlie and –believe it or not- Jacob, my outlook on life just grew brighter and brighter with each passing day. I was a different person now, something Jake had commented on when we talked on the phone two days after me and Derek had returned from Forks.

"I hardly recognized you Bella. It's almost impossible to believe that you are the same person as the broken girl who came to me two and a half years ago and looked more dead than alive. You're almost glowing, it's amazing."

I smiled when I thought about his words, and how right he had been. Derek's presence in my life had truly changed me. When we went to visit Charlie over Christmas I could see that he almost had tears in his eyes as he watched me and Derek together. He would be forever grateful to Derek for the impact he had had on my life.

I liked spending time with Derek in Forks; there, no one knew that he was really my teacher. Well, except for Jake of course.

Back in Rochester we had to be sneaky, and sometimes I just wished that we could be able to walk down the street hand in hand without having to worry if anyone saw us. We often made little trips; almost every weekend we would take his car and drive to some small town that he had recommended and stay there for two days, just enjoying each others company and getting to hold hands in public.

All in all, I felt so much better than I had ever thought I would feel again. We were happy, and I was truly in love with him. He treated me like a princess, always being there for me when I needed him.

I could honestly say that my thoughts of Edward were now overshadowed by my love for Derek. Of course I hadn't forgotten about him, I would never be able to do that, but when he crossed my mind now it was so different. I was grateful for the time I had gotten to spend with him, and I wasn't waiting for him to come back anymore. I knew I could never stop loving Edward, I wouldn't even try, but I also knew that if I just gave it time I would love Derek as much. Or, almost as much…

The day after winter break ended I woke up in Derek's arms. He kissed me on my forehead before he left to go home and change for the school day. I stayed in bed for a few minutes longer usual, feeling rested and happy, as I always did when I got to wake up in the arms of the man I loved. I ended up having to almost run for school though; I didn't want to be late, it was Monday and my first class was English with Derek.

I got to school just in time, and paused outside the door to the classroom to catch my breath. I heard loud voices from the room so I knew Derek wasn't there yet.

I pushed the door open and walked in.

Then I froze where I stood.

Sitting by the window on the other side of the room was the last person I had ever thought I would see again.

Edward.

No, it couldn't be. He couldn't be here, not now. After all this time?

My heart would not keep beating as I stared into his stunned, wide eyes. I couldn't speak or move or do anything. I was frozen to the ground.

Edward. He was here, only a few feet from me. My body reacted with sending out signals of danger, telling me to run from the thing that had almost killed me once. My heart remembered the pain, the excruciating pain from the months after he had left me.

His eyes were locked on me, his lips parted in an expression of shock. Clearly, he hadn't expected to see me either.

The door opened and Derek walked in, he stopped behind me and softly put a hand on my lower back. No one was watching us; they were all talking amongst each other, with no clue of the drama that was taking place right in front of them. "Are you okey, love?" He whispered in my ear.

I was still watching Edward's face, and his expression now was not something I would never forget. The deepest pain and agony was visible in his tormented features, his eyes were filled with denial and hurt to an unbearable degree as his gaze moved between me and Derek.

I couldn't stand it any longer, I had to leave.

"I'm sorry I have to go" I mumbled to Derek as I turned around and walked out of the door. I caught the look of confusion in his face before I left, and heard the sound of a chair being pulled back and then footsteps moving in my direction.

I didn't stop, I began running through the empty corridor with just the thought of getting away echoing in my head.

The tears were building up and I could feel a lump rising in my throat. My mind was at absolute chaos as I tried to remember where the nearest exit was. I almost fell in the stairs that led to the ground floor, and had to catch myself by holding on to the wall.

Tears began streaming down my face as I ran towards the exit sign at the end of the hallway. I could feel that he was behind me but I didn't look back. When I got to the door I slammed it open and ran outside into the pouring rain. I was soaked in just a few seconds but none of that mattered.

"Bella wait!" He called as I ran out to the empty parking lot. Then he was in front of me, the rain was dripping from his hair down to his face, there were water drops in his eyelashes and on the top of his upper lip. He put his hands on my shoulders to stop me. I backed away immediately, wrenching his hands of me.

"Please Bella listen to me!" He shouted. His voice was almost drowned out by the heavy rain, I shook my head violently and looked at him.

"NO! You do NOT get to talk to me! You do NOT get to say anything to me anymore! You left me, you used me and then you threw me away! I NEVER want to see you again!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. My heart ached so bad that I wanted to rip it out and throw it at him, letting him shred it to pieces once more.

"Bella you are WRONG!" He shouted back, trying to put his hands on my arms but I stepped back again.

"YOU DON'T TOUCH ME!" I could hardly see now for the rain that was coming down heavier by the minute. I was so angry, I hated him for being here. He had no right to do this, to show up just when I had started to build up my life again. Now everything was ruined, I felt all the stitches that held my heart together break.

"You need to listen to me! I never meant for-." His voice was both angry and urgent but I cut him off.

"YOU BROKE US!" I cried out so loud that my lungs protested "WHAT WE HAD IS BROKEN!"

My tears streamed down my face, mixing with the rain and disappearing. Edward's hands reached out to me once more and I didn't step back in time. His hands were hard on my arms, I could not escape.

"LISTEN TO ME" He screamed, and there was panic in his eyes now.

"Bella I love you, I only left to protect you! I thought you would be so much better of if I was gone; I wanted you to have a chance at a normal life!"

What was he saying? It didn't make sense, none of it. He didn't love me, he had left me broken in the forest, he had been gone for two years without a word and now he was suddenly here saying that it had all been a lie? No, I didn't believe him. He was playing some kind of sick game with me.

When I didn't respond he continued.

"I was thinking of you every single second that I was away from you, I thought I was making the best choice by leaving but I was wrong, so wrong. I came back Bella, one year ago, but you had left and I didn't know where you had gone. I thought that you had moved on and that I shouldn't interfere with your life again so I stayed away." He had a desperate expression in his face, and his eyes screamed at me to believe him, but I couldn't.

"You told me that you didn't want me, that I wasn't good enough for you. You destroyed EVERYTHING!" I could hardly get the words out, my throat was so thick from crying and I couldn't breathe right.

"I LIED! Bella I lied and I am so sorry! I did it because I thought that if you believed that I had moved on, so would you. I love you Bella, I have always loved you and I will always love you!" His face came closer to mine but I managed to pull away. He caught my hand when I tried to back away again.

"It's over Edward, it's too late!" I screamed back as I tried to get my hand out of his grip. But he tightened his hold and pulled me back to him.

"It was never over Bella, and it still isn't over!"

I didn't have time to react before he locked his arms around me in an unbreakable grasp and pressed his lips against mine with such force that I would have fallen to the ground if he hadn't been holding me.

My willpower vanished the second our lips met, I couldn't fight him, I didn't want to fight him. There was nothing else in the word that mattered but the fact that I was in Edward's arms, and that he was kissing me and saying that he loved me. Everything else ceased to exist, I forgot the time, the place, only knowing that I was with Edward.

The cold rain had soaked us both through, and I shivered as our kiss deepened. There was no holding back, his lips moved against mine like there was no tomorrow.


	6. Mind over Matter

**Chapter six**

**Mind over matter**

_I'm not a stranger, No I am yours._

_With crippled anger, and tears that still drip sore._

_A fragile frame aged, with misery_

_And when our eyes meet, I know you see_

_I do not want to be afraid, I do not want to die inside just to breathe in_

_I'm tired of feeling so numb, Relief exsist I find it when_

_I am cut._

_

* * *

_

_Edward's point of view_

"It's over Edward, it's too late!" Bella screamed at me while the rain beat heavily down on us. I could see the tears streaming from her face and all I wanted was to reach my hand out and stroke them away. She tried to get out of my hold but I knew without a doubt that if I let go of her now, I would lose her forever. My dead heart ached at the thought; I could not stand to lose her now when I had finally found her again.

I pulled her back to me and locked my arms close around her waist, not allowing for her to move one inch from me. The electricity flowed through us, I could feel her feeble attempts to move away but they were much fainter now than before. She was giving in, and as I looked into her eyes I saw both the pain and the mistrust in them. But there was also the one emotion that was the most prominent, the one I would recognize no matter how many years we'd spend apart. It would always be the one that made my life have a meaning again.

As she looked at me the love she felt was so visible, not just in her eyes but in her whole face. I saw how much she wanted to believe that what I had said was true, and I knew that if I had to, I would spend the rest of eternity making up for all the things I had done wrong, so that I could be with her once again.

My whole being was back in place; my life was finally rid of the dark, endless void that had consumed me for over 2 years. I could breathe again, now that I felt her luscious scent in the air. I could see now that she was in front of me, my sense of touch returned as my hand grasped her skin. My ears could once again hear her voice and the sound of her heartbeats. My lips longed to taste hers, and as she opened her mouth to speak again the desire overshadowed everything else.

"It was never over Bella, and it still isn't over." I didn't wait one second for her to answer before I pressed my lips against her, feeling the warmth of her that I had missed for too long. At first she tried to break away, but when I lifted my hand and intertwined my fingers to her hair, locking her head to mine, I felt the last remnants of her struggle cease.

She gave herself over to me entirely, twisting her hands into my hair and pulling me impossibly closer. She did not hold back as her soft lips pressed against mine so forcefully that I actually had to concentrate to keep us from falling to the ground.

The rain still poured down on us, and I could feel Bella's fragile form shiver as her soaked clothes clung to her body. Without breaking the kiss, I lifted her up in one smooth movement and carried her away from the deserted parking lot. The streets were completely empty of humans as I walked, quicker than a normal person could, up the road. The rain came down with such force that no one looking out their window would ever see us. I needed to go somewhere were we could alone, and the house that me and my family had just moved to were only a 10 minute walk from the school, 3 minutes in vampire pace.

Bella's hands still griped my neck, she hadn't opened her eyes once since our lips had first touched and I got the feeling that she was hardly aware that we were moving.

Before long we were at the house, I opened the gate with one hand, still holding Bella's body securely to mine with the other. I was overly grateful that no one in my family was home; I needed so badly to be alone with her.

My head had still not been able to wrap itself around the fact that she was here. It felt like an impossible dream that she had reappeared in my life only minutes ago, and set everything on fire once again. It was as if every dark memory or thought I had had for the last two years were gone and replaced with brightness, love and such a strong feeling of rightness that it overwhelmed me.

We reached the front door of the house and I sat her down gently and to grab the keys from my back pocket, opening the door while still gazing into her eyes and holding my arm around her warm body. I was so horribly afraid that at any moment she would realize what was happening and who she was with that would scream and run away from me. If she did, I would not be able to survive it.

I lifted her up again and carried her to my room on the second floor. Her long eyelashes were tickling my skin as she kissed my neck and she breathed heavily as I pushed the door open and walked in, slowly putting her down on my bed. I looked at her, afraid still that my eyes would be met with a sudden expression of disgust and hate. But her eyes were severe, gazing into mine relentlessly and with no sign of the former pain that had been there. Only the love was now showing in those deep, soulful brown eyes.

"Bella" I whispered in her ear as her lips moved down my throat. I needed to tell her the whole truth, to explain why I had done the things I did and to tell her that I would never ever leave again. There was nothing in the world that could make me stay away from her anymore. I could not live without her for one more day, of that I was sure.

"Don't talk. Please, don't say anything. Just kiss me" she mumbled, her fingers were now unbuttoning my shirt with determination, and I did not argue with her.

I needed the closeness just as bad as she did, and I did not have the strength to hold anything back now. She was in my arms, and she wanted me. After all this time, she still wanted me the way she had in the beginning. And I wanted her more than anything else, I craved her closeness so much that I had to constantly remind myself to not be too rough, to not hold her too tightly or in any way hurt her.

As her fingers undid the last button, mine were moving from her face to her drenched shirt. Without a second of hesitation I took the fabric in both hands and ripped it, her breathing was getting even heavier as my hands moved greedily over her soft skin.

I wasn't completely sure I would be able to go through with it, until her lips claimed mine again and she whispered my name. When her fingers slowly and lovingly stroked my cheek, all my doubt and insecurity was gone, replaced by the fierce desire to be with her, in every way possible.

I softly brushed Bella's damp hair from her forehead and kissed her warm skin, feeling so complete and intoxicated now that I had her in my arms again. The need was so strong now, and her natural scent was beautifully intensified by the rain. There was no bloodlust. The smell of her blood went, for the first time, unnoticed as I kissed a trail down her neck and to her collarbone.

The raindrops kept beating against the windows, and it was as if the rest of the world had stopped existing. Nothing mattered except that I had her back, after all this time.

"I love you." I whispered as I trailed my arms around her waist, pulling her closer to me. She drew in a shaky breath, and then lay back on the bed, pulling me with her…


	7. To be or not To be, A Cheater

**Chapter seven**

**To be or not to be…A cheater**

_Still I can't let you be,  
Most nights I hardly sleep.  
Don't take what you don't need, from me._

_Just a drop in the ocean,  
A change in the weather,  
I was praying that you and me might end up together.  
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,  
But I'm holding you closer than most,  
'Cause you are my heaven._

_

* * *

_

_Bella's point of view_

The tears kept rolling down my cheeks and continued dripping onto Edward's chest. I had my face pressed under his chin, and his arms were around me.

What had I done? I mean seriously, WHAT THE HELL HAD I JUST DONE?

I had made love. I had made love for the first time in my life. With a vampire. The same vampire who had left me two and a half years ago and said he didn't want me. But who now said that he had lied and that the only reason he had left was because he wanted me to be safe. There was no way that I could look into his eyes and not realize that he was telling the truth, I knew him so well, knew every single expression and every single thing that went through his mind when our eyes met. But still…

WHAT THE HELL DID WE JUST DO?

I felt like screaming, there were too many mixed emotions in me to even try to make sense of it all.

Overwhelming joy that he was back, shock for what he had told me, guilt and anguish over what we had just done, but at the same time I had never been happier than I was over what we had shared. But as my mind started to remember back before he kissed me on the parking lot, the guilt and angst part slowly began to win out over the happiness.

How could I have done this to Derek? My loving, trusting, amazingly kind boyfriend, who had no idea where I had disappeared to when I had rushed out of the classroom, and was probably worried sick about me just now.

But why hadn't he told me about the fact that my ex boyfriend was coming to the same school as me? He must have seen Edwards name somewhere; he must have known tha-.

I stopped then, realizing that I had actually never told Derek what my ex's name was. He had no idea, and so he couldn't know why both I and Edward had disappeared so sudden.

_He didn't know…_

"Bella? Are you alright? I didn't… I didn't hurt you, did I?" Edward's voice brought me back to the present, he sounded worried. But he hadn't hurt me, not physically at least.

And I didn't feel like telling him about how he had ripped my insides apart and made my heart endure gruesome torture for two years. He didn't need to hear that right now.

"I'm fine" I said. I wiped the tears from my face with the back of my hand and turned my head to face him. I gave him a halfhearted smile but he didn't smile back, he just studied me while the worry in his eyes grew more and more prominent.

"Please Bella, please talk to me? I can't stand to see you cry like this, you have to tell me what I can do to help you." He stroked my chin softly, and I shivered at his touch.

As much as I hated myself for what I had just done, I couldn't ignore the fact that in this moment, when I looked into his eyes and felt his arm around me, I finally felt whole again.

The stitches were gone, no longer needed to hold my heart together. Edward's presence had healed me, and it was like there had been no break in the first place. Almost…

Because although my heart may be healed, it still remembered the pain. I was so afraid, so scared out of my mind that he would leave me again. What if he did? What if when I walked out of that door, I would never see him again?

I gasped as I felt the one, tiny piece that was not yet in place tighten in response to my thoughts. Could I survive if he left again? I didn't think that even Derek could put me back together if that happened. And I knew I couldn't demand that of him anyway.

I had cheated. I was a cheater. A trust breaker; and it felt like I was the worst person on the planet. I probably was.

But what could I do? What could anyone have done differently?

The love of my life, the reason for my existence had just come back to me, telling me that he loved me and that he had only left to keep me safe. He had acted out of nothing but the deepest love to try to protect me from himself. It would probably have worked with someone less mental than me. Anyone else would had moved on and tried to forget about the man who broke their heart, they would have told themselves that if he didn't want them, well then he wasn't that much to hold on to in the first place.

Maybe I had known, deep down, that he hadn't spoken the truth that day. Maybe that was why I held on to his memory with such stubbornness instead of letting go and forgetting?

Had I known all along that he still loved me?

When that the thought revealed itself, I immediately knew that it was true.

I had known, but on such a different level that I wouldn't let myself believe it, my mind couldn't cope with the possibility that it might be true, so it had shut it out altogether.

"You love me" I said, a little breathlessly. My mind was spinning with the realization that now spread through my body, and when that last small part of my heart that was missing was put back in place, everything became clear.

"I do, I truly love you Bella. I have never stopped loving you."

My heart seemed to swell to double size at his words, marveling at the way his voice caressed my name.

But just as sudden as the realization had come to me, another thought came and clouded my momentary bliss.

Derek.

I was forced to admit that although my love for Edward was stronger than ever, it had not affected the way I felt for Derek. It wasn't like Edward had taken over my entire heart and shut everything else out, more like he now had half, and when I was with him, that part was beating the strongest.

But what would happen when I was with Derek again? Would I know instantly what to do?

Who to choose?

How could anyone choose between past and present, without knowing what they wanted for their future?

How was I supposed to know, when my options were either right, or right?


	8. Confession Time, Or Not

**Chapter eight**

**Confession time. Or not.**

Don't tear me down, for all I need  
Make my heart a better place, give me something I can believe.  
Don't tear me down, You've opened the door, don't let it close.

Here on the edge again, I wish I could let it go  
I know that I'm only one step away from turning around.  
Can you still see the heart of me?  
All my agony fades away, when you hold me in your embrace.

I've tried many times, but nothing was real.  
Make it fade away, don't break me down, I want to believe that this is real.  
Save me from my fear, don't break me down.

* * *

As I walked down the street in the pouring rain my head kept on its constant stream of questions.

I had left Edward at the door, after telling him that I needed some time alone. I asked him not to try to contact me for I while, I needed to get my thoughts clear before we sat down and talked. I could see the hurt in his eyes when I told him that I wanted to be alone, but he had nodded and said that he would do whatever I wanted him to. That had made me feel even worse, if possible.

So now I was alone and I had absolutely no idea what to do. I didn't know if I could trust Edward, my heart told me I could but my head wasn't as convinced. How do you trust someone again after he broke your heart? How can you ever be sure that he wouldn't do it again? I guess the answer was time, and that was what I had told Edward. I needed time, and I needed to try to figure out what to make of this whole mess.

I missed Derek, my heart ached for him. I knew that right there was solid proof that I would not be able to simply just let everything I had built up fall to pieces so that I could be with Edward.

The love I felt for Derek was so different from what I had with Edward.

With him, it had been so unconditionally and instant, there had been no choice but to love him. But with Derek, I had slowly learned to trust him and on that trust we had grown to love each other.

I kept my head down, not paying attention to where I was going. Suddenly I felt two hands on my arms and I looked up in alarm. My heart gave a not so subtle squeeze when my gaze was met with a pair of golden, panicked eyes.

Derek.

The expression on his face told me just how worried he had been, and I felt the shame and guilt wash over me, almost suffocating me with its force.

"Bella are you alright? Where have you been? Oh love I was so worried about you" His voice was still panicked but there was relief there too.

The guilt placed itself in my heart, and started cutting with unimaginable strength. I tried not to show how much it hurt, looking down again and fidgeting anxiously in his grasp.

He noticed my discomfort and released his hands immediately.

"Bella?" He asked in a low voice. I felt his eyes on me but I couldn't look up and meet them. The guilt kept stabbing me…

"Derek, I need to tell you something." My voice was so weak I didn't know if he had heard me over the thunderous rain that was still coming down.

"Come on, let's go to my place. I need to talk to you about something too." He said, and I jerked my head up in surprise. What did he want to talk about? Had he seen us? I started to panic as Derek took my hand and led me the 4 blocks to his house.

I was thankful for the rain, without it I was afraid Derek could have smelled Edwards scent on me. God I was such a horrible person, I had just cheated on my boyfriend and I was now realizing that I would not be able to build up the courage to tell him.

Not yet anyway.

I prayed to God that Derek hadn't seen us.

We walked quickly through the streets to his house, he still held my hand and his thumb was rubbing small circles on my skin, trying to sooth my distress. It hit me over and over again how little I deserved this man. He was far too good for someone like me.

But a small voice in my head kept saying that did deserve good things, and that I was only human and I would be making mistakes.

Yeah, I thought back to the voice, but normal humans don't cheat on vampire boyfriends with ex vampire boyfriends.

The voice stayed quiet after that.

Derek held the front door open for me, and after he closed it behind us he reached for my soaking wet jacket and went to put it in the dryer. He always took such great care of me, he seems to always know how to make me feel good, and I had just cheated on him.

Once again, I did not deserve him.

He returned after a few seconds with a dark-blue, thick sweater that he handed to me.

I pulled it on, smelling his wonderful scent. I inhaled deeply and then shivered slightly when his hand brushed my hair from my face.

I pushed up the too long sleeves and smiled at him, he returned the smile and took my hand again. Together we walk through the hall and to his living room, I went to sit in one of his huge green sofas, and he kneeled in front of the fireplace and started a fire expertly. When it was lit, he grabbed a red, thick blanket and spread it out before the fireplace.

"Come here, Bella, you need to get warm" He said and smiled at me, holding out his hand.

I stood up and walked over to him, feeling slightly shaky but I don't think he noticed. If he did, he probably thought it was from being so cold. I took his outstretched hand and felt that amazing thrill go through me that I always felt when he touched me. My heart started to race, my body reacted the same way it always did around him. I was so drawn to him, and my heart knew that when I was with him, I was safe, so very safe.

Derek laced his fingers with mine and pulled me to him, leaning his head down and smiling. His eyes mesmerized me, and I was lost in them and for a moment, unable to remember anything but him and the fact that he loved me. But just before his lips touched mine, I jerked back.

Edwards face appeared in my mind, and I felt that same stab to my heart again.

What was I doing? Kissing Derek not even 20 minutes after being with Edward? It was too wrong. I couldn't.

Derek pulled back, looking at me with worry in his golden eyes.

"Did I do something wrong, Bella? I'm so sorry" He said, and I felt the breath leave me. My heart ached at his words, because he sounded so hurt, and so afraid that he was the one who had done something bad. But it was me, I was the one who screwed up and now I had made Derek doubt himself.

I don't think I have ever hated myself more than in that moment.

"No, Derek it's not you. You haven't done anything wrong, don't ever think that." I said weakly, trying to not let my voice break.

He wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head against his chest, trying to think through my panic. I couldn't tell him. But I couldn't not tell him either. This was too messed up.

Derek kissed the top of my head and sighed, I closed my eyes and just breathed in his wonderful scent. Why couldn't this be enough? Why couldn't what Derek and I shared be strong enough to beat down the feelings I had for Edward? I mean I had everything I needed right here, I had a man who loved me and who I loved in return. I trusted him completely and I knew that he would never betray me.

But there was still that part of me, the part that would always belong to Edward, that wouldn't settle for anything but what I had shared with him. I wanted to kick that part's butt and remind him that what Edward and I had was in the past, he had betrayed me and he had left me broken. But of course that part of me would kick right back and tell me that Edward was not in the past, he was 20 minutes ago.

Enough with the kicking, I knew I wouldn't be able to decide anything in a near future; I needed to figure things out first.

Derek dropped his arms from around me and took my hand, pulling me down to the floor with him. The blanket was thick and it felt so soft despite of the wooden floor beneath that I decided to lay down, realizing that I was exhausted. I felt Derek lay down beside me, and smiled when his arm wrapped around me. I was on my side, facing the open fireplace and I could feel the contours of his body against mine. The warmth from the flames felt nice against my cold skin, and the crackling from fire was soothing somehow. We lay there in quiet for a couple of minutes, enjoying the comfortable silence.

"Do you wanna talk?" Derek whispered eventually. I closed my eyes and took in a large breath, trying to decide what to tell him. I knew I wasn't going to admit what I had done, not yet. I needed to figure out the situation with Edward first, I wasn't even sure that he would stick around.

My heart ached so bad at that thought that I gasped, feeling the broken pieces that had been in their right place for the last 6 months loosen slightly. The hole inside of me started to get ready to rip itself wide open again by the thought of him leaving. I clutched my hands to my heart, trying to breathe right and to calm myself.

"Bella, honey, please tell me what's wrong? You're scaring me" Derek's voice was urgent now, and I knew I had to say something. I gathered the strength to speak and prayed that he wouldn't question me to much afterwards.

"It's nothing, I'm just worried about Renée, I haven't spoken to her in so long. I need to go see her soon, I miss her." I said, feeling so terrible but at the same time relieved that the lie had been fairly easy to tell, since it was pretty much true and I didn't think he would suspect anything.

I felt Derek's arm tighten around me, and he kissed my hair softly. He sighed, appearing relieved at my statement. I guess he had been anticipating something much worse… With all right…

"Of course you should go visit your mom Bella, I'm sure she misses you too. Why don't you go this weekend? I will miss you tremendously but I understand that you need to see her"

Well, I had thought I hated myself before, but this was worse. There was no end to his generosity, there was nothing he wouldn't do for me if it made me happy, and I knew that from the bottom of my heart.

Maybe a trip to see my mom was just what I needed though, a chance to get away and get perspective on the whole situation?

"Maybe… I don't have that much studying this week anyway, perhaps it would be a good idea." I said, managing to convince myself. Yes, a trip to Jacksonville was perfect.

I rolled over so that I was facing Derek, he had a small smile on his lips now and looked at me lovingly. My heart swelled at the expression on his face, and before I knew what I was doing, I had leaned my head forward and kissed him. His lips were soft against mine, and I felt that sensation of warm waves flow through me at his touch. I reached my arm out and twisted my finger in his hair, pulling him closer to me.

My breathing picked up as he wrapped both his arms around me and pulled me on top of him, not breaking the kiss for a second. The kiss deepened and I marveled at the way his hands felt against my skin. He was stroking my back slowly, and his hands felt almost warm in closeness of the fire.

When he started kissing down my neck I let out a soft moan, loving the way his cool lips moved over my now overheated skin.

We kissed for a long time, and every other thought was gone while we lay there by the fire.

It was just us, and in that moment, it was enough.

* * *

**Thanks to everyone who has faved and rewied this story, I'm glad you like it! I would really love if you guys left a comment, it feels like I'm writing for nothing when so few ever comment.. I mean I get so many mail's when people fave and alert but hardly any of you write me something? Is it good? Bad? Shit? Should I continue?**

I know this chappie was not so eventfull, but it had to be written to get all her thoughts out. And I do love myself a little Derek time ;) Next chapter will be more action, don't worry.

Thanks!


	9. All for One, One for Two?

**Chapter nine**

**All for one, One for two?**

1, 2, 3  
Not only you and me  
Got one eighty degrees  
And I'm caught in between

Babe, pick a night  
To come out and play  
If it's alright  
What do you say?

Merrier the more  
Triple fun that way  
Twister on the floor  
What do you say?

* * *

I opened my eyes slowly, trying to remember where I was. I felt two strong arms around me, and my chin rested on a cool, hard chest. I breathed in the impossibly sweet scent that raised goose bumps all over my body, and then I sighed in contentment as I felt his arms tighten around me.

"Edw-." I began mumbling, but then stopped cold.

Oh shit.

"Hmm, Bella? What did you say?" Derek's voice was low and sounded far away, maybe because I was now spiraling down straight into hell.

"Oh, nothing. I was just mumbling…" I said, chewing on my bottom lip and praying to God that he wouldn't question me further. _Please please please don't ask…_

Derek chuckled, and I started to relax.

"Well, if it's one thing I'm used to it's you mumbling incoherent things, but you normally only do that when you're asleep." He said and kissed the top of my head.

Oh shit, again.

"Ehm… Did I say something while I was sleeping?" I asked, trying not to panic. He seemed at ease, so I couldn't have said something too bad, right?

"Yes, but I didn't catch it all, except when you said that you 'have to decide'."

I froze. Think fast Bella, think really, really fa-..

"So, any idea what you were dreaming about? You looked kind of restless but when I held you closer, you relaxed." He continued, letting his fingertips move up and down my arm absentmindedly.

I racked my brain, hating myself for ever getting in this position where I had to lie to Derek in every other sentence. Not that I had ever had much of a choice, I was drawn to Edward the same way I was two years ago, and I knew that no matter how much resistance I put up I still won't have a chance once he touches me.

"I'm not sure, maybe something about what subject I'm going to chose for that assignment I have coming. I've been trying to decide on it for ages, so it's probably starting to get into my dreams now…" I said, hoping he'd believe it.

"Don't worry sweetheart, I'll help you with that. We can go over it tonight if you'd like?"

I bit my lip, I didn't want to hurt Derek's feelings but I could really need some alone time tonight… My head felt like it was about to explode, and I needed to talk so someone about this whole mess. Not that I had anyone to confide in though, Jake was out of the question, if I told him he would phase into wolf form before even hanging up the phone and then run here and try to rip Edward's head off. I couldn't have that… So I was left with myself, since if I talked to anyone else in the tribe, Jake would get the news about 3 minutes later and that alternative would also result in a nearly headless Edward.

"Uhm, actually Derek I was going to do some cleaning tonight… My place looks terrible, and I need to do laundry and dishes and…"

Derek started to chuckle, so I quieted down and stopped my rambling. He kissed my hair and then stroked my cheek with the back of his hand, leaving my skin tingling.

"Okey then, I'm not going to force you. Some of the guys from work were asking if I wanted to join them to watch football tonight, so you do your cleaning and maybe I can stop by later if you'd like?" He smiled at me, and there were no traces of anger or irritation in his voice, he just wanted me to do what I wanted. He was much too good for me.

Lifting my head, I saw that it was almost bright outside. What? Had I slept all through the night? Well, I guessed that would explain why I felt so well rested.

Then I groaned, remembering that I had school today. I had gotten so used to sleeping in during the Christmas break, but that was over now.

My stomach flipped when I thought about going to school, knowing I had English and that Edward might be there too. _If he hasn't left yet, that is._

I felt sick at the thought, and tried to shake the feelings of unease off of me. I knew today was going to be strange, hard and possibly dangerous but I had no choice but to go through with it. My only hope was that Edward wouldn't say or do anything that could make Derek suspicious.

Edward knew about Derek, of course, he had seen the way Derek touched me when he had come up behind me yesterday in the classroom. But Edward hadn't said anything about him, not once. I knew that was a conversation we needed to have, though I wasn't looking forward to it. But he had to know that he couldn't just come in to my life again and expect me to take him back without a second of thought. Had it been two years ago, I would have. I would have forgiven him in a heartbeat and been too happy with the fact that he was back to even think about what he had done to me when he left. But now, I was older, and I had Derek. I wasn't going to throw away my relationship with him like that, I needed to think through what I really wanted before making any decisions.

I knew I would have to tell Derek about Edward, and the fact that I was so shattered and confused about what to do. I would hurt him so much, but he needed to know. Just, not right now. After all, I wasn't even sure Edward would stay.

We got up eventually, and I stretched out, feeling a bit stiff from sleeping on the floor all night. The blanket was thick, but not quite as comfortable as a mattress.

"What time is it?" I asked, walking towards the kitchen where I knew Derek had some food stored for mornings like this when I slept over.

"7.15, so we have another half hour before we need to leave for school, which reminds me that I need to tell you something before we go." Derek said, sounding casual, but I could detect a tone of worry and edginess in his voice.

I knew what he would say; I had been waiting for him to approach the subject ever since we met yesterday afternoon. Of course he had known there was anther vampire in his classroom, if not for his talent he would have both seen and smelled Edward. I tried not to show any signs of stress as I walked around in the kitchen, pulling out a bowl and grabbing the cereals from a cabinet. Derek got the milk for me and placed it on the table where I sat.

"Thanks" I said, smiling up at him. "So what did you want to tell me?" I looked down at my cereals while I spoke, not wanting to meet his gaze just yet. I shoved a spoonful in my mouth as he began to speak.

"First of all, I don't want you to worry about what I am going to say, because I don't believe that there is anything to be concerned about." He sounded almost formal, and I couldn't help but to look up at him. His eyes were fixed on my face, probably searching for any hint of fear in my expression. When I didn't speak, he continued.

"I don't know if you noticed yesterday, but we have a new student in our class. You probably didn't see him as you ran out kind of sudden, but he was there." Derek paused for a moment, and then a concerned expression crossed his face.

"What happened to you, anyway? You never told me." He said, and my heart sank. I hadn't thought of that, I hadn't had time to come up with an excuse for my sudden departure from his class. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

"Uhm, I didn't feel well. It's soon that time of the month you know, so I get a little nauseous…" Oh God did I just play the PMS card? I felt the blush coloring my cheeks, and prayed that he wouldn't ask anything else on the subject.

He didn't, as I had expected. Derek was a gentleman after all.

"I see, I'm glad you're feeling better now." He said with a soft voice, and my blush deepened while I stared determinately at my cereals.

"As I was saying, we have a new student and he is… Well I don't know how to put this so I'm just gonna go ahead and say it. His name is Edward Masen, and he is a vampire, like me." He paused, giving me a chance to absorb his words. My insides turned uncomfortably when Derek said Edward's name, but I kept my face as blank as possible, thinking it was better that way instead of faking a shocked expression that might fail miserably. I wondered why he had chosen to use his human last name though, but I was extremely relieved that he had, since I had told Derek about 'the Cullen's' when he had asked what the name of the family was that I had been involved with before. Derek hadn't asked many questions, he saw that the subject was hard for me to talk about so he never spoke about them after that one time.

"Is he… I mean is he a vegetarian?" Derek smiled slightly, seeming relieved that I didn't panic or anything. _If he only knew…_

"I believe so, yes. I have only met one other vampire before who has chosen this life, but what marks us is that our eyes are golden, instead of the crimson irises that comes from a diet of human blood. This Edward has gold eyes, and so I can only assume that he is like me. The fact that he also attends school makes me presume that he has sworn of humans, or else he wouldn't be able to be in a room full of people for a longer period of time." Derek's eyes never left my face, and I knew he was looking for any signs of stress or fear. I averted my eyes after a minute and stared at my cereals again.

"Haven't you spoken to him?" I asked, hoping my voice wouldn't betray me and show my nervousness. Derek sighed and I saw in my peripheral vision that he was shaking his head slightly.

"No, I never got the chance. He exited the classroom shortly after you did, and judging by his panicked expression he hadn't expected to encounter another vampire. I couldn't follow him since I had a room full of students, but I'm hoping he will decide to come back today so we can talk."

I nodded, not knowing how I was going to respond. Did I hope Edward would come back? Of course I did, no matter how much I tried to convince myself that I didn't, my heart knew the truth. If he wasn't there today, the little sanity I had left would leave me once and for all.

"Are you okey with this Bella? I do believe that he is harmless, or as harmless as any vampire can be, but still if you feel uncomfortable I will of course ask him to leave."

"No!" I exclaimed, louder than I had intended. I bit down on my lip, and looked up to meet Derek's somewhat confused gaze.

"I mean if he is harmless there is no point of making him go away. He has every right to be here, and as long as you feel certain that he is on the same… 'diet' as you are I don't mind." I blurted out, trying to sound reassuring. He eyed me for a moment, and I worked to appear calm as I met his eyes, even managing a small smile.

He sighed after a minute, and looked a little bit less worried than before. "I guess, if you're sure that you'll be okey with this."

"I am. I'm not scared, I promise." He nodded, and my words seemed to make up his mind.

"Alright then. I'll talk to him today, get to know him a bit." I fidgeted with the spoon in my hand, trying not to picture Derek and Edward in a room together and the conversations that might come up. I had to tell Edward that he couldn't reveal our past to Derek, or give any indication that we knew each other. I had to do this my way, slowly.

"We should probably get going, school starts soon." Derek said, and I nodded and got up to put my bowl in the sink before continuing to Derek's bedroom. I had a drawer there with some clothes for the nights I stayed over, but obviously I had almost run out of my emergency stack for the moment. I found some clean underwear and a pair of jeans but no shirt. I sighed, not really wanting to wear the same clothes as yesterday. I looked down at what I was wearing; the blue sweater Derek had given me last night was really warm and comfortable, and combined with my new pair of faded blue jeans it looked really good. Besides, Derek's wonderful scent clung to the fabric, so I could just sniff it whenever I missed him during the day. Perfect.

I changed quickly and put my hair up in a ponytail before pulling on the blue sweater again. I heard a soft laugh from the door and looked over to see Derek standing there, leaning against the doorframe and looking ridiculously good, as always. His eyes travelled over my body and he had a pleased smile on his beautiful lips. Before I could even blink he was standing in front of me, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me to him. I felt his lips against my ear and shivered slightly with pleasure. Derek chuckled, he knew exactly what his touch did to me, and to say that he enjoyed it would be an understatement. Then again, I knew very well what my own touch did to him, so it was quite fair after all.

"I love seeing you in my clothes, you look really beautiful Bella" He whispered in my ear while his fingers stroked my back slowly, making my knees weak and causing my breath to quicken.

I already felt slightly dizzy when his lips met mine, and as soon as they did the feelings that coursed through me were harder than ever to control. I locked my hands around his neck, pulling his face closer to mine and deepening the kiss. He kissed me back, but not as eager as I wanted him to be. He laughed softly against my lips, and pulled back to look at me. The amusement was clear in his eyes, and he leaned forward again and kissed me once more, briefly.

I pouted my lips, feeling rejected. My expression caused him to laugh louder but when I raised my eyebrows at him he quieted down, looking a little guilty to be laughing at me.

"What?" I asked, a bit sour. "I wasn't finished kissing you, you know"

He pulled me to him and rested his chin on my head, I could still feel his body shake slightly with laughter.

"Oh Bella, if you only knew what you do to me when you kiss me like that." He chuckled, and when I pulled back to look at him, he smiled lovingly.

"You know very well that I want to kiss you every second of every day, but I assume that you want to attend your first class this morning? I have a feeling your English teacher might not be happy if you're late you know." He winked at me, and I couldn't help but smile.

"But you see, I wouldn't really mind it if he gave me detention, just as long as he was supervising it. Come to think about it, I actually like that idea. My teacher is really gorgeous so it wouldn't be too bad." I mused, and he started laughing again.

"Well aren't you a wicked little student, huh?" He laughed and then he started tickling me, causing me to burst into a panicked laughter.

"No, please, pleeeeease" I begged, squirming to get out of his grasp. Before I could get away he picked me up, flung me over his shoulder and started to carry me out the room.

I kept up my stream of giggling protests but he just laughed at my feeble attempts to get down.

He walked out to the hall and paused by the front door.

"Now, are you going to behave like a good student and get your cute little butt to school or am I going to have to carry you all the way?" He said, trying to sound serious but failing altogether. I was laughing so hard at his carefree behavior that I couldn't answer at once. He just stood and waited, showing no signs that he was going to put me down. I didn't really mind this position though, since I had a really nice view of his ass.

"Bellaaaa?" He asked, and his fingers were at my side, threatening to start tickling me again.

"Okey okey, I surrender!" I laughed, desperate to avoid the tickling.

"But I must say Mr. Hawkins, I very much enjoy the view from up here. In fact, I do think that I have to come here more often." I continued, and he carefully put me down on my feet again. After placing his hands on my shoulders, he looked at me with mocked surprise.

"What's this I'm hearing? Miss Swan, did you just check out my ass? That is highly inappropriate!"

We stared at each other for 4 seconds before simultaneously bursting out in loud guffaws. I tried to catch my breath but every time I looked up and met Derek's gaze, we would start laughing again.

Eventually, when my stomach started to hurt from too much laughter, I managed to quiet down. Derek was still chuckling, so I avoided looking at him again for fear of another attack. Still smiling so much my cheeks felt strained, I shook my head to try and clear it.

"Okey, we'd better get going before both of us end up in detention for arriving late. Come on you silly professor, get your perfect ass out the door before I do something even more inappropriate than just looking" I said, trying my hardest not to make eye contact as I opened the door and held out my hand for him.

He coughed to hide his laughter, and took my hand. After locking the door, we walked through the garden to the gate. I turned around when we reached it, and kissed him softly on his lips. Before I could get too carried away, I turned again and opened the gate, keeping my head down. I slid out and started walking toward the school, all the wile feeling Derek's eyes on my back. He was walking on a safe distance behind me to not raise suspicion if someone from school would see us.

Honestly, I hated it so bad that each time we walked like this I had to concentrate hard to not start crying. I hated not being able to hold his hand in public, or go out to the beautiful park and just enjoy being close and kissing like other couples. I wanted the whole world to know that he was mine but that was impossible. at least for another 3 years before I graduated.

Right then, the Edward-side of my brain started conjuring up mental pictures of me and Edward, walking hand in hand down the street, smiling and laughing like the happiest couple in the world. When my imaginary Bella and Edward paused to share a passionate kiss, the Derek-side stepped in and made the vision go away.

Sighing deeply, I turned around the last corner and entered the school parking lot. Students and teachers mixed in a stream of people moving towards the doors, and for a brief moment I thought I saw a shimmer of bronze hair in the crowd. My heart beats picked up, and the panic and relief fought against each other while I joined in the mass of tired looking teachers and even more tiered looking students. I suddenly felt the sensation of warm waves flooding through me, and looked up to see Derek pass by me, inconspicuously brushing his hand against mine.

I smiled slightly at his little sign of affection, but the knot in my stomach felt even worse afterwards. How was this going to end?

Eventually I made my way to the classroom, pausing briefly before entering the door. I held my breath while I stepped in and then quickly scanned the room full of students until I found Edward, sitting in the same chair he had been in yesterday, and then I exhaled with relief. As soon as I saw him, my heart picked up its rhythm noticeably, and of course Edward could hear it. His golden eyes held mine while a warm smile spread across his face, he looked so unbelievably good that I had to work to catch my breath. He mouthed a silent "Hi", and I could do nothing but blush and chew on my lip when he smiled his crooked smile at me.

The warmth of his eyes made all the memories from last night appear again, I remembered every touch, every kiss and every word he had whispered to me, while we were reunited in every way possible. I could see by the look in his eyes that he was also taking a trip down memory lane, and his loving expression made me blush deeper.

He was here, he hadn't left. He would stay and fight for me; he wanted me to be his again. My stomach filled with butterflies at the thought, and the need to touch him grew unbearably strong. Knowing I couldn't make contact with him now, I clenched my fists and looked away from his mesmerizing eyes to regain my composure. I took my usual seat in the second row, a safe distance from Edward.

I could feel his eyes on me the whole time, but I used what little mental resistance I had to keep my eyes from wandering in his direction.

"Morning Bella, how are you?" Anna's voice made me jump slightly; I had been too caught up in my thoughts to notice that she had taken her usual seat next to me. I tried to come back to the present, not really wanting to turn my head in her direction because I knew that I would see Edward in my peripheral vision if I did. Knowing I would be rude if I kept staring straight ahead while she was talking to me, I sighed and turned to face her.

Of course my eyes went straight to Edward, and I could see him still smiling crookedly at me. It made my entire body feel warmer when he looked at me like that, and I was suddenly back to the 17 year old girl I had been when we first met. He dazzled me, just like then.

"I'm fine, Anna. You?" I asked, hoping my voice was reasonably steady. How was I ever going to concentrate when I felt his eyes on me like this?

"Ooh I'm really good! I didn't get a chance to talk to you yesterday, I want to know about your Christmas break! What did you do? Were you with that mystery boyfriend of yours? And oh my God are you totally wearing his clothes?" I blushed and panicked, seeing Edward go ridged in his seat. "Oh you are, aren't you? That's so adorable!" She continued to gush.

I fidgeted nervously with my books, not sure how to answer. I liked Anna, she was the closest thing to a friend I had here in Rochester, and we used to hang out in school so I had confided in her that I had a boyfriend, not wanting to lie when she asked me. But I hadn't told her anything more, just that it was complicated. Which was of course the truth, seeing as student-teacher relationships were never easy.

"Uhm, I was with my family back in Forks. It was great." I mumbled, hoping she wouldn't demand an answer to the 'are you wearing your boyfriends sweater' question. I should have known Anna wouldn't give up so easily though, she was kind of nosy, which is why I only spend time with her in school and not outside. I liked my privacy.

"Was your boyfriend with you? Did you spend the night at his place yesterday? Is that why you're wearing his sweater?" She was practically jumping in her seat, her eyes glowing with anticipation. Oh God why do you intent of torturing me like this?

_Because you did a terrible thing and you're not getting of that easily. _A small voice whispered in my head.

Yeah, thanks for that. Like I needed a reminder.

I glanced over at Edward and he looked so angry and hurt that I had to avert my eyes immediately, I couldn't stand to see him like that, knowing I was the cause. Sure, we had done something wrong, both of us, but me going to see my boyfriend right afterwards?

Not cool, Bella.

"I, uhm…" I fumbled for the words, but luckily I didn't have to come up with an answer because Anna suddenly leaned forward to whisper to me.

"Did you see the new guy? I mean holy shit, I have never seen anyone as gorgeous in my entire life! He might even be hotter than Mr. Hawkins" I risked another glance in Edwards direction, and he seemed to have calmed down some, because he was now watching me with one eyebrow raised, looking kind of amused at Anna's declaration. "I heard his name is Edward Masen, he just moved here from Alaska or something. I wonder if he's single…" She trailed of, and my eyes shot back to hers in a flash.

_Oh no she didn't! _

I cleared my throat and tried to stifle the anger that I felt rising at her words. Edward caught my moment of irritation, of course, and I could hear him chuckle quietly.

"Maybe you should ask him" I said, cocking an eyebrow at Edward. That shut him up. I smirked.

"You think so?" She said, elated and started jumping again. "I think I will, I'll try to catch him after class…"

Just then Derek entered the room and Anna fell silent. I looked away from Edward and decided to not let his presence interfere with my concentration for the next hour.

Needless to say, I failed miserably. I was just thankful we didn't have a test or anything, since I could hardly stay focused on the novel I was reading for more than 2 minutes before I had to look at him again.

I knew Derek was keeping an eye on him, and luckily Edward kept his head down and didn't look at me for the entire time we were there. I had to thank him for that later, or maybe punch him for messing up my chance to get a good grad in English from now on.

When class ended I saw Edward standing up immediately and heading towards the door, raising an eyebrow and signaling with his eyes that he wanted me to follow him. Before I could make up my mind though, Derek spoke.

"Mr. Masen, I'd like to speak to you for a minute before you leave."

Edward stopped, glancing at me for a second before turning around to face Derek. I felt slightly dizzy at the thought of leaving them alone, but I knew I had too. And I believed Edward wouldn't tell Derek anything, after acting the way he did during class.

"Of course, Mr. Hawkins"

Edwards velvet voice answered, and he walked away from the door. I kept my head down and left the room quietly, followed by a disappointed looking Anna.

Trying not to think about what was going to happen in the room I had just left, I waved goodbye to Anna and headed towards the library to read a bit before my next class.

I had barley taken 5 steps before I was attacked by someone, and almost thrown to the ground by the force of the impact when she launched herself at me. Startled, I opened my eyes and saw nothing but a wild disarray of black, spiky hair. When reality caught up with me I realized the person hugging me so fiercely was Alice, former best friend Alice. Former best friend that had left me two and a half years ago Alice.

I staggered back, trying to keep my balance and carefully pushed her off of me. She let go instantly and stepped back to look at me, her gold eyes were wide with a mixture of happiness and delight. It almost looked as if she had tears in her eyes, but of course that was impossible.

"Bella, I'm so happy to see you! I've missed you so much, I know you must really hate me but believe me I never wanted to leave, I only did it because-"

I held up my hands to stop her, not wanting to hear that stupid excuse again.

"I know Alice, I know. You don't have to explain yourself, you had no obligation to stay or to say goodbye." I said, my voice coming out colder than I had intended. I could see the hurt clear in her eyes, and immediately regretted my words. I knew she didn't have a choice when the rest of her family was leaving, I couldn't expect her to part from Jasper for my sake.

Staring at her and seeing the guilt and sorrow she felt so clearly on her face, I knew I could forgive her. She wouldn't have chosen to leave me, and I could see how much she regretted that she ever did.

"Oh Alice, I've missed you" I blurted out, and hugged her again. She seemed shocked at my sudden change of behavior, but didn't dwell on it as she hugged me back so tightly that I could hardly breathe. When we parted after several minutes I felt the tears streaming down my face, I was so happy to have her here and to finally have someone who I could talk to and who knew the truth about everything.

She grabbed my hand and started leading me towards the exit doors, all the while talking so quickly that I had to really listen hard to catch it all. She told me that the whole family was here in Rochester, Carlisle was working at the hospital and Esmee had just started at a very fancy interior design company. Apparently all the Cullen sibling were here at Rochester College, and I immediately looked forward to seeing Emmet again, I missed him and his booming laugh so much, he always knew how to cheer me up and make me laugh more than anyone else.

But then, the memory of that fateful day two and a half years ago struck me. I remembered in detail how I had sliced my finger on the paper, and Jaspers wild, animal like expression when he tried to get to me and kill me. I felt cold suddenly, thinking of the way Rosalie had looked the last time I saw her. That calculating and almost pleased smile on her lips as she watched me sitting on the floor, covered in glass and blood. I really didn't look forward to seeing her again.

Alice kept talking as I became more and more anxious, I didn't know how Rosalie and Jasper would react to me being here. Truth be told, I was a bit scared. They must have found out I was here though, Edward had to have told them or Alice would have seen-

"Hold on" I said abruptly, cutting of Alice who was now rambling about how she absolutely loved Rochester and how perfect the weather was for them. "Did you know I was here? Did you see me move here?" I asked and stared at her. She looked a bit nervous, a very unusual expression for Alice.

"No, I didn't know you would be here. Not for sure anyway. Ever since two years ago, my vision of you has slipped further away. I believed that you might be here, but I didn't see you, I just sort of felt it." She said, not quite meeting my eyes.

"And Bella, I wouldn't have suggested to the others that we move here if I had known…" She trailed off, and I understood what she meant. If she had known I was with Derek, and that I was finally starting to feel happy again, she wouldn't have come. I couldn't decide if I was glad she hadn't known, or not. It was too hard to think about at the moment.

"I know Alice, I don't blame you. I'm just so confused right now, I don't know what I'm going to do about this whole mess."

She nodded and looked at me with understanding; I knew she could easily see the stress I felt, and also the guilt.

"But now that I have my best friend back, at least I have someone to talk to. You're in for some seriously disturbed girl talk time Alice Cullen" I joked and smiled at her.

She beamed at me and hugged me tightly, and I felt so relieved to have her here.

Saying her name reminded me that I was still curious to why Edward had changed his last name from Cullen to Masen.

"By the way, why have Edward changed his last name?" I asked.

"Well, I just had a feeling 2 days ago that he should change his name, that it was the right thing to do while we stay here. I'm not sure why yet, but I will eventually" She said matter of factly. I thought for a moment, and then I realized one way that plan was a good idea.

"You know, if his name is Masen and the rest of you go by Cullen, Derek doesn't know you're Edward's sister. That's actually rather convenient, because then I can spend time with all of you without having to tell Derek about the Edward situation just yet." I mused.

Alice looked at me skeptically for a moment, and I could see that she didn't really approve of my rather asinine plan.

"Bella are you sure you don't want to tell Derek about you and Edward? I mean, he has a right to know. I'm not judging you or telling you what to do, just… Are you sure you can lie to him about this?"

I sighed, knowing what she said was true and that I shouldn't do this to Derek.

"I know Alice, and I will tell him, just not right now. I don't even know if Edward really does love me and if he's planning to stay, so I'm gonna keep quiet until I know for sure. Then I'll tell him."

Alice nodded, and I knew she would support me whatever I chose to do. She was my best friend after all, and she trusted that I knew what I was doing. Which I totally didn't, but anyway.

"So, when do I get to meet this boyfriend of yours? Oh, wait!" She said, and I recognized the expression on her face when she was searching the future. I smiled and stayed silent while she concentrated.

"Aw Bella, you're inviting me to meet him at your place tomorrow. That's nice, I'd love to come!" She beamed, and started clapping her hands. I just laughed, I had really missed Alice, she was truly wonderful.

Looking down at my watch, I realized it was time for my next class.

"Damn, Alice I have to go, I have math in 3 minutes" I groaned. Alice perked up, her face filled with excitement.

"With Mrs. Wesley in 402?" She asked and looked at me expectantly.

"Uhm, yes that's right. How did you know?"

"Oh perfect! I knew there was a reason I felt like studying math!" I smiled and shook my head, Alice would be Alice, after all.

"Come on! We can sit next to each other and pass notes the entire time!" She took my hand and started dragging me back through the corridors.

I had a feeling my grades wouldn't be shooting through the roof with the Cullen's here, but I couldn't care less. My family was back, and that was all that mattered.


	10. A Break for Break

**Chapter ten**

**A break for a break?**

_I'll break you down  
I'll take you down down  
Fill you with sadness  
Make your life madness_

_I am having a hard time  
I am making you do the hard time too  
I am stuck in a bad way  
And I'm gonna make you pay for it_

_Give me a mile  
I'll take a hundred miles  
Such a mistake  
Sorry, you made_

_I know you're here  
I know you're gone  
I never asked you to stay  
I am waking up, baby  
Now tell me  
Are you ok_

Alice wasn't joking when she said we would spend the entire hour passing notes to each other, apparently her curiosity was to big for her to manage waiting until the end of the school day, so I ended up telling her everything that had happened for the last two and a half years on the backside of my math book.

Well, almost everything. I accidently skipped the first 4 months after they left, not wanting to tell her about how I had been a living dead and scared Charlie senseless with my behavior. That wasn't a conversation one had on the back side of a book in a room filled with students. Preferably, it wasn't a conversation one had at all, period.

I told her about Jake, and how he had been my rock and had helped me through my last year in Forks, how he had then made sure that I eventually got my act together and moved on. She froze in her seat when I wrote about how Jake and his friends were werewolves, and how they had killed both Laurent and Victoria when they had come back for me. We were lucky that the teacher had left the classroom for a short meeting and allowed the class to study by ourselves for a while. Alice was panicked when I explained about what had happened, and I regretted telling her all that right then, I should have known how she would react.

When she had read my note describing how Jake and his friends had caught Victoria in the last minute in the woods behind my house, she just stared at me with shock before whispering "Does Edward know?"

I shook my head, and she looked even more anxious. "What?" I whispered back, confused by her behavior. Before the she could answer, Mrs. Wesley entered the room again. All the students that had been talking quietly with each other immediately fell silent, turning back to their work. Alice's eyes were still on me, and the way she stared made me slightly nervous. After a minute she grabbed my book and wrote a short note in her elegant script.

'Don't tell him'

I read the note and then raised an eyebrow at her, but she just shook her head and turned back to her book.

We stayed focused on our math problems the following 20 minutes before Mrs. Wesley announced that class was over.

When we were out of the room I immediately grabbed Alice's arm to ask her about what she had meant with that last note, not understanding why Edward would give a damn about what had happened while he was gone. He had left me, and surely he must have known that Victoria and Laurent would come back? I still didn't fully believe that he had left me to 'protect me' as he had put it. After all, he was smart enough to be aware of the possibility that they would be returning for me.

_And he had still left._

Before I could get the words out and demand an answer from Alice, she shook her head infinitesimally and started walking down the corridor. I just stood there, confused over how she acted. Then, I felt the electricity warming my entire body, all my senses were suddenly awaken, and my heart pounded strong in my chest. I took a deep breath and filled my lungs with his sweet, wonderful scent. I hadn't even seen him yet, but my body knew that he was there.

"Bella" His velvet voice whispered in my ear, and I shivered when his cool breath hit my skin. Goosebumps covered my entire body when his hand softly brushed mine, and I felt dizzy before I even turned around to meet his gaze.

Looking up into his dazzling, golden eyes, the place, time and meaning of everything ceased to exist. There was no corridor filled with students, there were no unsuspecting boyfriend, no heartbreak or years apart from each other. I felt like I was brought back to Forks high school, the day when he had first spoken to me, and I had gotten lost in the depths of his eyes. The day I had known there was no turning back.

We stood there, staring at each other while the electricity multiplied by the second. I craved to touch him, to feel his skin against mine, to let my lips meet his and for his arms to hold me close. When the need to reach out and touch him grew unbearably strong, I folded my arms and averted my eyes. Sighing, I turned around and started walking towards the cafeteria. I knew he followed me, there was no way I could ever not be aware of Edward's presence. Before we reached the cafeteria, Edward suddenly grabbed my hand and pulled me with him through a door. I didn't even have time to react, but I told myself that if I had, I would have objected. _Yeah, whatever makes you happy._

We were now standing in an abandoned classroom, and when the door closed behind us, I was forced to use all my will power to keep from throwing myself in his arms.

"Bella, we need to talk. I know you told me you needed time alone so I'm not going to demand that we talk about our where we stand right now. I respect that you have to make your own decisions, but I just wanted to tell you about what I spoke to… Derek, about."

I saw how hard it was for him to say Derek's name, and the pain it cost him. It made my own heart ache, and in that instant, part of me wanted to forget everything that had happened during the last two and a half years and go back to what we once had. Just Bella and Edward, like I had thought it would always be.

I mentally kicked myself, I wasn't allowed to think like that, because I knew that it did no good. No matter how much I wished I could go back, that was never going to happen. I was different now, my life was different and most importantly, I knew that love wasn't as easy as to say "I love you" and believe that that was all it took to make a relationship work.

I couldn't forget the hell I had been through, the way Edward had broke my entire heart, body and soul when he left. No matter his reason, it didn't change the fact that he had abandoned me and hadn't come back. He was here now, yes, but he hadn't come here to find me, I had just happened to be here. _It wasn't his intention to find me again._

I made up my mind in that second that I couldn't take Edward back. I wouldn't give up my life for someone who hadn't loved me enough to stay with me.

He might have loved me in his own way, but not enough for forever. Our forever was lost the moment he had had uttered the words 'it will be as if I never existed' and turned his back on me, leaving me broken on the forest floor, crying and screaming his name until my voice gave out.

No, there was no going back.

Edward watched me, unaware of the decision I had just come to. I wondered for a second what he would have said if he could have read my thoughts just now and felt the extent of my pain. I knew that I had to tell him what I had just decided, I didn't know if I would have the strength to do it ever again, and I needed him to know how I felt.

Without looking at him, I walked over and leaned against the teachers desk, taking a deep breath and mentally preparing myself for what I was about to do. Could I? Could I tell Edward, the man I had thought I would love forever, the man I would have given my life for, that I didn't want him? Could I leave him, as he had left me?

I wasn't going to lie to myself, part of me knew that I would never get over Edward, I would always love him. He had been my first true love, and something like that doesn't just go away because you want it to. But I knew that I couldn't trust him anymore, I couldn't give him my heart again when I was so scared that he would break it like he had done the last time.

I had to give what I had with Derek a chance, I owed that to myself. I deserved to be happy, and with Derek I knew I had a real shot at that. Bracing myself for his reaction, I looked up at him and started to talk.

"Edward, I need you to listen to me now. And you can't say anything before I'm finished, because I don't know if I can get it all out if you do. Will you hear me out?"

His expression was twisted with pain, and I knew that I understood what I was about to say. I waited until he nodded slightly once, and then swallowed hard. My heart was screaming at me to not utter the words I was about to say, I felt the part of me that would always belong to Edward crumple in pain at the realization of what I was about to do.

Ignoring the hole that began to grow in my chest again, I tried to find my voice to speak, two years worth of torment ripped through me as I struggled to say the words.

"You promised me that you would stay forever, but you lied to me. You broke my heart Edward, and it hurts! It still hurts so much. I loved you more than anything, and you said that you didn't want me, that I wasn't good enough for you. When you left, you took everything with you. You destroyed me with your words, and I didn't think I would ever survive the hell I was put through because of you. I was a living dead for months, I alienated everyone because I couldn't stand to be around anything that reminded me of you. I waited for you, I prayed every night that you would come back to me but you didn't. And then Jacob Black came into my life, and I started healing. He tried to put me together but he could never really make me whole again. I moved here and I met Derek, but I was so afraid to trust him because of what you did, I didn't want to be hurt like that ever again. But I did learn to trust again and I also learned that I could be happy and that I could love, despite everything you had done.

I love him, Edward. I love Derek and I will not give him up. You can't come back into my life and expect me to take you back, it doesn't work like that, and I'm not the same girl I was when we were together. I choose him, Edward, I choose Derek." I felt the tears dripping down my cheeks, and I tried not to gasp when a soaring pain went through my body as I looked up to see Edward.

I would never, even if I lived for thousands of years, forget the way he looked in that moment. I felt like I could touch the pain, it was so clear on his face that my entire body yearned to comfort him, to take back the words so that I didn't have to see him like that.

I knew, without a doubt, that the only thing in the world that could ever come close to what he felt right then, was how I had felt that day in the forest.

He staggered backwards like I had shot him in the heart, and sank down to the floor with his back against the wall. His eyes never left mine, and the excruciating hurt I could see in them was something I knew would haunt me for the rest of my life.

"I am… I don't…" His whispered words were distorted, his panicked breathing made it impossible for him to speak. I had never seen anything as heartbreaking as him leaning against the wall with his knees pulled up to his chest, hands clutching the sides of his head while his eyes searched mine, looking for any contradiction to what I had just said.

"Bella…" He breathed, and I couldn't stand it anymore. I was by his side before I realized what I was doing, and I put my arms around him and pulled him to me. It was so wrong, seeing him so helpless and frail. He let me hold him, resting his head against my chest while I cried so hard that my vision blurred and my lungs started to hurt from the lack of air.

I don't know for how long we sat there, I lost track of time as I held him close and let my cheek lean against his head, whishing I could take away his pain but knowing I couldn't.

"Do you want me to leave?" He asked in a weak voice, breaking the silence. I could hardly hear him over my own sobs that were still coming, but when the words registered in my mind I knew the answer immediately.

"No." I answered, the word was barley a whisper.

"And I know that it's not fair for me to want you to stay, when I can't give you what you want from me, but I don't think I could survive if you left again. I'm so confused Edward, I'm just so confused…" I broke of when my breath hitched in my throat, and I couldn't find the strength to continue.

Suddenly, I found myself sitting in his lap. He had shifted me so quickly that I didn't even realize what he was doing. His arms were tight around me, and I leaned against his body and placed my head against his chest, just as he had done when I had held him. He was comforting me now, and though I felt so guilty that it hurt I couldn't make myself move.

I felt his lips against my hair, and I hugged myself closer to him.

"I'll stay. I won't leave you again, and I will be whatever you need me to be. I can be your friend, just as long as I can be a part of your life. I'll stay Bella, I'll be here" He whispered in my ear, and his hands stroked my back with soft, slow movements.

I thought I was going to drown in the guilt that kept trying to pull me under while he held me. How could he want to be in my life when I had hurt him so much? It didn't make sense, but because I needed him so desperately, I didn't question it. He had hurt me, and I had hurt him back. Still, I knew I couldn't live without having him in my life now.

I pulled back to look at him, and when our eyes met I knew we both realized that this was it. When we left this room everything was going to change. Edward brought his hand up to my face and wiped my tears away with a soft touch.

We both leaned towards each other at the same time, and then our lips met for what we both knew could be the last time. The kiss was soft, tender and filled with the love we still shared. When we broke apart I leaned my head against his chest again, breathing in his scent and trying to hold on to the feeling of being in his arms like this, in my heart so that I could always remember it.

"I want you to know, that I will never give up hope Bella. I will be your friend, but you have to know that my feelings for you will never change or disappear. My heart will always belong to you."

I didn't have to words to answer, and I knew he didn't expect me to. He was just telling me what he needed for me to know, not demanding anything in return.

We sat there for another immeasurable moment, and when I heard him sighing I sat up. He let his fingers brush softly over my cheek and then kissed my forehead with the lightest pressure. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before standing up. I found myself in his arms again, and my body molded against his. I tried not to think of the perfect way our bodies fit together, or the way my skin tingled as his lips brushed against my ear.

"Come on, I know a few people who are dying to meet you." He said, his voice a bit more steady now.

I nodded, and he let go of me. The feeling I got when his arms were not around me was unnerving, like something was being pulled from me slowly, one piece at a time. I shook my head to clear it and Edward looked at me questionly for a second, searching for reassurance that I was okey to leave.

"I'm fine. Shouldn't we get to class though? I have history and …" I trailed off as I looked down at my watch. Oh shit, I hadn't realized how long we'd been here. It was already 3.15, and school had ended.

"Wow, I guess Mrs. Richardson and Mr. Duvall won't be happy with me. Though I have never missed any of their classes before so I guess I'm not completely screwed."

Edward chuckled, and I looked up at him with a small smile on my lips. His laugh healed a part of the aching hole in my chest, and I immensely hoped that our friendship would work. It wouldn't be easy, but it was the best alternative I had.

"I think you'll be fine, but if you want, I can talk to them and convince them that you were with me and that we had some very important business to attend to. You know how good I am with teachers, I could probably get them to give you straight A's for the rest of the semester if I tried." He said, and then winked at me.

I elbowed him playfully in his ribs, probably giving myself a bruise.

"Thanks a lot! Do you really think I need help to get good grades? I assure you that I am very well capable of achieving those myself!" I said with mock annoyance.

He just laughed and opened the door for me.

"Get going you brainiac, we don't want to get locked in here over night, do we?" His tone was teasing, but we both knew he wouldn't have minded it.

"Jeez, you're so pushy Edward" I muttered, and he laughed even more as he actually pushed me out the door, gently of course.

"Get used to it, friend, cause we're going to spend a lot of time together and you'll learn that I'm quite demanding" He said, emphasizing on the word 'friend'.

"Yeah, like I didn't know that one before" I huffed, and then I yelped as his hand smacked my butt. He snickered, and then picked me up and flung me over his shoulder as he walked towards the exit doors. I just hung there, dazed by his playful and easygoing behaviour.

Friends with Edward, now there was an interesting twist.


	11. Someone Wicked this way Comes

**A/N: Okey, so you made it to 50 and as I promised, here's chapter 11! It's the 'break up scene number 2' from Edwards point of view, because you need to know how he's dealing with it all, and why he acted so friendly in the end. He has an wicked plan, that one..**

**Since you pulled 50 in just one day, how about 20 comments this time? I see so many that fave's but doest leave a comment, so PLEASE do, it really helps me to stay motivated! Come on guys, I have faith in you ;) 20 comments = update.**

_Theme song for this chapter: Kings of Leon - Closer_

(I even read somewhere that the singer said this song was perfect for vampires, and boy was he right.)

**

* * *

**

**Chapter eleven**

**Someone wicked this way comes…**

She took my heart, I think she took my soul  
With the moon I run  
Far from the carnage of the fiery sun

Driven by the strangled vein  
Showing no mercy I do it again  
Open up your eye  
You keep on crying, baby  
I'll bleed you dry  
The skies are blinking at me  
I see a storm bubbling up from the sea

And it's coming closer  
And it's coming closer

You, shimmy shook my bone  
Leaving me stranded all in love on my own  
What do you think of me  
Where am I now? Baby where do I sleep  
Feel so good but I'm old,  
2000 years of chasing taking its toll

* * *

**Edwards point of view.**

"_I choose him, Edward, I choose Derek." _

She looked up and met my eyes. I didn't know if I was even there anymore, I felt like I was disappearing, like whatever force that kept me here had now let go and that I was now falling down into darkness, not knowing where I would be once I hit the ground. For the first time in my life, I felt weak, my legs wouldn't support me anymore and I staggered backwards until I hit the wall. My knees gave out and I found myself sitting on the floor, still looking into those eyes.

She couldn't have meant it, her words couldn't be true. She must be lying to me for some reason, this couldn't be, it was impossible. She was _my _Bella.

But staring into her soulful brown eyes, I knew that she had spoken the truth. I felt like I could see into them for miles and miles, but nowhere in them could I find a contradiction to her words. I had known I wouldn't find it after what she had told me about what I did to her when I left, but like a dying man searching the desert for a drop of water to survive, I kept looking.

The tears were streaming down her face, but she did not take it back. Her silence pierced through me and made my dead heart ache in a way I hadn't felt for 92 years. The pain reminded me of my transformation, when my body was drowning in the agonizing ache as my heart stopped beating. Only, this pain was worse.

I pulled my knees up to my chest, trying to hold myself together as the pain ripped through me and tore every part of my into pieces. What I had felt for the last two and a half years when I was away from her was increased a million times, because a small part of me had held on to the belief that I would one day return and that we would be together again.

That part was dying now, slowly, as our eyes held and I saw just how much I had destroyed her when I left. I gasped as I took in the extent of what I had done, how the consequences of my decision that black day now served to pull me under, burying me in the deepest part of hell.

"I am… I don't…" I couldn't speak, my body wouldn't respond to me when I struggled to find the words. I clutched the sides of my head and tried to breathe throw the panic that was taking over me.

"Bella" I whispered, I didn't know what to say, I didn't have the words to take away the pain or the agony. I was so lost in my own personal hell that at first I didn't even realize that she was by my side. And then the sensation of her touch broke through, and my body felt lifeless as she pulled me to her, tucking my head in so it was resting on her chest.

I lay like that for what felt like an eternity, numbness taking over all my senses as I processed what had just happened. Bella had chosen to be with him. She didn't want me.

The realization made the aching grow stronger again, and I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to fight it. I told myself that I should have expected this, from the moment I saw her that first day and heard his thoughts, I should have known. What did I think would happen? That I just appeared and everything I had done to her would go away? That she would magically heal just by my presence?

But even if I had expected this outcome, nothing could have prepared me for the pain that came with it.

I felt Bella's teardrops hitting my hair, she had her cheek rested against my head, and her ragged breathing slowed down in the time we sat there. She traced patterns with her fingers on my back, and her other hand was hugging me to her so fiercely that it would have injured a human.

This was a bittersweet torture, as the sensation of being in her arms was tainted with the smell of _him _coming off her shirt. I tried to ignore that, cutting of my breathing and concentrating on the way her chest moved while she breathed.

I fell into the comforting numbness, embracing it as it soothed the pain.

What brought me back again after hours of sitting there, leaning my head against her chest, was the sound of her heartbeats. Or rather, the realization that there was something worth living through the pain for. As that thought began to make itself known in my head, the pain stepped down, allowing for this new feeling that didn't hurt as much to take its place.

I grasped at it, willing for anything to erase the ache.

Bella was alive, I told myself. And as long as she was alive, I wouldn't let her go.

I could actually feel it as my insides were put back into place, this new thought was healing me and giving me the hope I so desperately craved.

All though I hated myself for what I had done, and would never be able to forgive myself, I decided in that moment that I wouldn't give her up. I would stay and fight, because there was no other way for me, no other way that I could stay on this earth if I wasn't with her.

My mind kept reminding me that I didn't deserve her after what I did, and that I should let her be happy, but a bigger part of me was too selfish to care, and most importantly; my heart knew that we belonged together, that I had been born to this world for one reason, and that reason was to be with Isabella Swan.

And so my mind was made up, I would spend the rest of eternity trying to get her back if I had to, because it was all I could ever do. Leaving her was impossible, that option didn't even exist.

Even though I had already decided, I thought it was best to ask Bella how she felt. Trying not to imagine the pain I would feel if she was to say yes, I asked her if she wanted me to leave.

When she told me how she wanted me to stay and that she felt selfish for telling me that she couldn't survive if I left her, what little doubt I had before disappeared. I was going to stay, and I was going to be here for her, no matter what.

I shifted her so that she was on my lap instead, and held her close to me to sooth her crying. I let my lips touch her hair, and then she was hugging herself to me just as tight as she had held me before. _Like she never wanted to let go._

"I'll stay" I told her, and her crying ceased some, she was waiting for what I was going to say. "I won't leave you again, and I will be whatever you need me to be. I can be your friend, just as long as I can be a part of your life. I'll stay Bella, I'll be here" I whispered softly in her ear, while I stroked her back gently.

She pulled back eventually, and met my gaze. The expression on her face made me realize that I only had a few minutes left before we would leave this room, and everything would be different. I slowly brushed the tears from her cheek, and when I saw her leaning towards me I didn't hesitate one second before doing the same. The kiss was tender, and I could sense that she thought this could be our last kiss.

I knew that I would do everything in my power to make sure it wasn't the last, by far. When she leaned her head back down I heard her take a deep breathe, and I believe that she was actually sniffing me. What?

Though I knew I wouldn't change my decision to try to win her back if she told me she didn't want me to, I still wanted her to know how I felt. Or part of how I felt anyway.

"I want you to know, that I will never give up hope Bella. I will be your friend, but you have to know that my feelings for you will never change or disappear. My heart will always belong to you."

She didn't answer, and I for that I was glad. That meant that I didn't have to feel too bad about what I was doing, because she knew I wouldn't ever stop loving her. She didn't however, need to know that I had already come up with the first part of my 'Win Back Bella' plan.

I suddenly remembered Alice, and that she in that moment would see some things that she probably neither understood nor cared for to happen. I sighed, realizing that I would have to tell my family everything. I wondered briefly what they would think of my rather idiotic plan, not that their opinions really mattered, but I could probably use some help at some point.

Bella straightened up, and I knew it was late and that we needed to go. I would have wanted to stay there with her all night, but I didn't know what she would think about that.

Knowing this was probably the last time in a while that I could get away with having my lips on her, I kissed her forehead softly. Her eyes were closed when I pulled back, and I heard her draw in a shaky breathe before she stood up.

I immediately missed the contact with her, and stood up to pull her to my chest once more. I didn't want to let go, it felt like it would kill me if I did. She felt so perfect against me, like our bodies were made to fit together.

I couldn't prolong the inevitable anymore, so I made a choice that meant that I could be with her a while longer. Purposely letting my lips touch her ear, I whispered to her.

"Come on, I know a few people who are dying to meet you."

Bella nodded, and I reluctantly let go of her. It was torture to not touch her, to have her on arm length distance and not constantly have my skin in contact with her was something I would never get used to. My body missed hers as soon as I let her go, and screamed for me to hold her again. I screamed back, telling myself to be patient.

I looked down on Bella, and she seemed slightly dazed as she shook her head and tried to focus her eyes. Hmm, did I do that to her? Perhaps I had underestimated my dazzling skills? It sure would be very handy if they still worked on her…

"I'm fine. Shouldn't we get to class though? I have history and …" She trailed off and glanced at her watch, and then a panicked expression crossed her face as she realized what the time was.

"Wow, I guess Mrs. Richardson and Mr. Duvall won't be happy with me. Though I have never missed any of their classes before so I guess I'm not completely screwed." She mumbled, and I couldn't help but the chuckle at her tone.

"I think you'll be fine, but if you want, I can talk to them and convince them that you were with me and that we had some very important business to attend to. You know how good I am with teachers, I could probably get them to give you straight A's for the rest of the semester if I tried." I teased, and I was amazed at how relaxed my voice was. Maybe this was going to be easier than I had thought?

I felt something soft brush my stomach and looked down to see Bella rubbing her elbow. Oh, she had apparently tried to hit me. Silly Bella…

"Thanks a lot! Do you really think I need help to get good grades? I assure you that I am very well capable of achieving those myself!" She exclaimed with a fake tone of annoyance. I saw the playfulness in her eyes and laughed at her attempts to sound serious, she had no poker face what so ever.

"Get going you brainiac, we don't want to get locked in here over night, do we?" I said, opening the door for her and secretly hoping that she would want to stay.

"Jeez, you're so pushy Edward" She mumbled, and I couldn't help myself when I felt the sudden urge to actually push her a bit. My body immediately thanked me for making contact with her, and I realized that there was a way I could touch her without it looking too suspicious. Friends touched, right?

"Get used to it, friend, cause we're going to spend a lot of time together and you'll learn that I'm quite demanding" I laughed, secretly pleased with what I had just come up with.

"Yeah, like I didn't know that one before" She muttered, and I saw another opportunity to touch her, and in a very, very tempting place. I let my hand smack her butt, snickering to myself when she let out a surprised "Oh" at my casual contact. This was going to be quite fun actually.

Deciding I might as well go all the way with the friendly behavior, I quickly picked her up and flung her over my shoulder before she could protest. She just hung there, and I laughed as I walked out of the school and onto the parking lot.

I put her down when I reached my car, and opened the passenger door for her. She looked at me a bit warily, probably surprised over how my mood had changed and how easy I seemed to have accepted her decision. Little did she know that I planned to make her mine again in a very near future.

_Operation 'Win Bella Back' was about to begin. _

* * *

_**I can guarantee some serious fun in the next chapter. A hint? Well let's just say Emmett decides to go all the way with the not so subtle "threesome" comments ;) Oh that boy is just hilarious!**_

**_Comment! Remember, the sooner we hit 70, the sooner the next chapter is up! :) _**


	12. Dazzling Friend

**A/N: First; THANK you to all of you who have reviewd & faved!**

**Okey, so let's get ready for the WBB(win Bella back) plan to be put in action! From now on, get ready for a lot of not-at-all-inocent flirting and dazzling ;) And did I mention Emmett is going to be around a lot? Yeah, you all know what that means. DIRTY THREESOME JOKES ALL AROUND!**

_Chapter theme song: Roxette - How do you do_

_(because, seriously, how DOES Edward do it?)_

_update: come ON guys, so many readers but so few comments? Do I have to say how absolutly not at all motivated I feel at continuing? Seriously, if you like it, let me know! If you don't, let me know! It's that simple ;)_

_**20 comments = update. (we have to reach 90, so if you want to know what happens - You comment! I know you can do it ;)**_

* * *

**Chapter twelve**

**Dazzling friend**

How do you do,  
do you do,  
the things that you do.  
No one I know could ever keep up with you.

I see you in that chair with perfect skin.  
Well, how have you been, baby, livin' in sin?  
Hey, I gotta know,  
did you say Hello  
How do you do?

I see you comb your hair  
and gimme that grin.  
It's making me spin now,  
spinnin' within.  
Before I melt like snow,  
I say Hello  
How do you do!

* * *

The drive to Edward's place was… Weird. Yeah, that's the right word. Edward was chatting with me about everyday stuff, like what kind of classes I was taking, where I lived, how Charlie was doing and if I'd seen Renée lately. I couldn't believe that I was actually talking to him like this, like we really were…Friends.

What was even more strange was that all though I felt a bit uncomfortable, he didn't seem to be affected by the bizarre mood between us at all. I tried my best to act like nothing was bothering me, but it didn't escape me that the reality of the situation was so off that I didn't know where to begin.

If someone were to have told me a week ago that I would soon be sitting next to Edward in his silver Volvo, making small talk about the afternoon traffic jams in Rochester after just having told him that we couldn't be together, I would have called the psych ward at the hospital and had that person committed. For life.

I doubt it I would even have believed it if it had been Alice who told me, this was just so surreal.

We soon arrived at the house, and I must admit that the last time I was here… Well let's just say I was a bit to distracted to pay attention to my surroundings.

Edward pulled in to the garage next to the house, which was actually more of a mansion than a simple house, and cut the engine.

The silence that followed was intensified by the charge in the space between us. I had to constantly remind myself that I had made my choice, and that I couldn't just simply jump out of my seat and throw myself at Edward.

Before I knew it, I was lost in a vivid daydream, where I did throw myself at him, and I could feel his cold, smooth hands gripping my waist while I straddled him in his seat, and his delicious breath against my skin as he kissed my neck, my chin, my-.

"Do you need help with your seatbelt, Bella?" Edward's amused voice interrupted my fantasies, and I tried to shake the irrational feeling of irritation that I didn't get to finish.

Wait, what? Did I seriously just think that? I was irritated with Edward, my _friend_ Edward, that he had interrupted my fantasies about having a hot and steamy make out session with him in his car. Wow, way to go Bella. This 'be friends with Edward' plan was going really smoothly. Really.

I bit down on my lip, trying to not think of the way his cool lips would feel when he kissed my collarbone and continued down-.

"Bella? Are you there?" I jerked my head up, realizing I had gotten carried away _again._

"Oh, sorry. I was… Thinking about something."

He chuckled, and I turned to look at him. Big mistake, Bella.

Edward was watching me with one eyebrow raised, and his lips were curved into that breathtakingly beautiful crooked smile. His eyes stared into mine, like he was trying to read my thoughts. His gaze was so intense that I found myself unable to do anything but just stare back, while my heart began to beat erratically in my chest.

Suddenly my mind managed to clear some, and I realized what the hell he was doing.

"Edward Anthony Cullen did you just dazzle me?" I almost yelled in an accusing tone. I knew he had done it, I recognized his 'dazzling expression' when it stared me straight in the face.

"Who? Me?" He answered in an angelic voice, changing his smile so that it was now surprisingly innocent. I scowled at him, not sure what he was doing or why.

"You keep your dazzling to yourself from now on, Mister. I won't let you get me all worked up like that anymore" I said, trying to sound fierce.

He suddenly beamed at me, and I realized my mistake immediately.

"Worked up? Oh, so I got to you, didn't I? Did you get all hot and bothered, or should I try again?"

I just gaped open mouthed at him, too shocked to come up with anything close to a clever answer.

When he started laughing I grunted, unbuckled my seat belt and reached for the door. I jumped slightly when I looked up and saw that he was already holding it open for me and offering me his hand. I took it and ignored the sparks I felt when I touched him, instead grumbling about 'showing off' and 'give some warning before turning on the vampire special effects stunts'.

I heard him try to stifle his snickering, and since he obviously just wanted to laugh at me all the time I decided to just ignore him and head for the house. I couldn't wait to see everyone again; I had missed them so much more than I had realized I did.

Edward suddenly grabbed my arm and pulled me to a stop. I spun around to tell him to just go dazzle his own reflection instead, but the expression on his face made me forget how to even use words. He was abruptly looking serious, and I just stared at him while his hand slid down my arm slowly to hold my hand instead. I froze where I stood as he began to lean forward, eyes still locked with mine.

I probably should have stepped back, but I didn't have it in me to move when he looked at me like that. His face came closer and closer until our noses were almost touching. He opened his mouth slightly and I felt his sweet breath tickle my skin. When his tongue came out and he slowly licked his lower lip, all the while staring in to my eyes intently, I wanted nothing more than to just lean in and kiss him.

"Bella…" He breathed, and our lips were only two inches apart now. I couldn't even breathe as his hand began to move up my arm again, making soft circles against my skin.

"Y-yes" I stammered, unable to make my voice more than a whisper.

He tilted his head to the side, and I was just about to grab him by the neck and jump him right then and there, when he suddenly smiled hugely and winked.

"Gottcha" He snickered, breaking my trance. I gasped and staggered backward as his smile became even bigger. I couldn't believe I had fallen for it _again,_ only like 2 minutes after the first time. How the hell could he have such influence over me to make me lose all coherent thoughts just by looking at him? This was kind of absurd…

"I can't believe you just did that! Damn it Edward, that's so not fair!" I threw at him, stomping my foot.

Wait, stomping my foot? Oh great, now he's gonna-…

I didn't even have time to finish my thought before Edward was on the ground, rolling over in uncontrollable laughter. I just glared at him through narrowed eyes.

"You…You stomped your…" His voice came out distorted by his laughter and he tried to look at me, but apparently my expression was so funny that he just rolled back again and continued laughing.

Part of me was royally pissed that he had just played me like that, but the bigger part was amazed over how carefree Edward seemed to be right now, I had never seen him like this before. He was always so in control and so frustratingly careful in general that this sudden change of mood really confused me. And the sound of his laugh… If I had to choose my favorite sound in the world, Edward's laughter was without doubt number one on my list. I felt guilty, because Derek also had the most amazing laugh, it's just that while I was with Edward like this, I couldn't quite remember it. This of course made me feel even guiltier.

Though it didn't take long until I was also shaking with laughter at the whole situation, and when I no longer could catch my breath through the laughter that just grew louder and louder, I found myself on the floor as well, clutching my stomach that was really getting a thorough workout from this laughing fit.

I didn't even realize that I had positioned myself so that when I leaned back to try to calm down, my head was suddenly in Edwards lap, and the angle in which my face was placed was quite… Interesting, so to speak.

Edward's laughter stopped abruptly when he realized this, and I looked up to see him staring at me with a mix surprise and excitement in his golden eyes. Before I could read anything more into his expression, a loud, booming voice made me jump.

"Well now, what do we have here?" I recognized Emmett's enthusiastic voice, and sat up straight in a flash. I turned to look at him and he was leaning casually against the door that I guessed led from the garage directly into the house, with a wicked smile on his face.

"So this is where all the action is, I was just wondering what the two thirds of my favorite threesome was doing. I'm a little disappointed you started without me though, I thought that two guys at the same time was your thing these days, Bella." He said, and I could see how hard he had to work not to burst out in laughter. "But it's okey, I'm guessing Edward here is plenty to keep you-…"

"Emmett" Edward's voice suddenly called, and I was immensely grateful for the interruption, not wanting to hear Emmett go in to details.

"Sorry! Sorry, I was just surprised to see Bella trying to get in your pants in the middle of our garage." He lowered his voice then, looking at me expectantly. "So, tell me. Do you have a thing for doing it in public? Is it the thrill of getting caught, or could you just no wait before you got into the house?" His smile was so wide that it must have hurt his cheeks, but he just kept on smiling.

"Oh, go wrestle a black bear Emmett!" I muttered and started getting up from the floor. Edward was already standing, and offered me a hand which I took gratefully.

I glanced over at Emmett and saw his watching us with anticipation.

"So are you guys together now, or what?"

Talk about killing the mood… Edward immediately stiffened by my side and I bit down on my lip, not wanting to see his expression right now.

"No, Emmett. I'm with Derek." I mumbled, still looking down. I could feel the blush deepening, and whished that Emmett would just change the subject already.

"Oh yeah, the teacher, right?" He snickered, clearly not affected by the sudden mood shift. "You know, that actually reminds me of little movie called 'Teacher's pet' that I use to watch when Rose is gone, it's about this girl who-"

"EMMETT!" I jumped and turned to stare at Edward, his expression was murderous as he glared at his brother, and I was suddenly worried that he would attack him right then and there.

"Heey, calm down brother, I'm just talking to my favorite human! I really missed her you know, I've never seen anyone blush as easily as she does, it's hilarious!" He laughed.

I narrowed my eyes and had to stop myself from sticking my tongue out at him like a kid.

"Aaaw come on Bella, I'm just messing with you! Come here and give your favorite could-have-been-brother in law a hug!" I rolled my eyes at him, but couldn't stop myself from walking over and letting his strong arms pull me in for a bone breaking hug.

"Can't…Breathe…" I gasped after a few seconds, and Emmett laughed his signature booming laugh at me and let go, putting his arm around my shoulders and pulling me with him out the garage.

I heard Edward groan as he followed us down the corridor that led to the house.

"You know Bella" Emmett began, and his tone reminded me of the voice of an old man who was telling his grandchildren stories from his youth, "when I first met you, and realized that you had a slight interest in my dear brother here, I thought that him being a vampire was just an inconvenience for you, that you were actually more interested in his mind than the fact that he could lift van's off of you and run like really, really fast. But now, I think that I'm finally seeing the kinky side of Bella Swan. Apparently, it wasn't his brain or his outrageously good looks that pulled you in." He stopped suddenly, and turned to beam at me while I just stared at him, dumbfounded.

"Admit it; you have a vampire fetish, don't you?" He said, and sounded like he had just found the cure for cancer.

I could do nothing but stare, open mouthed, as Emmett watched me expectantly, like he was waiting for me to confirm it.

_Wait, did I actually have a vampire fetish? Oh God I probably did. Damn that's embarrassing. _

Instead of answering, I grunted a low "whatever" and tried to get out of his grasp. Not the most intelligent response, I know, but I was suddenly questioning my sanity and I didn't really feel like having Emmett make fun of the fact that I apparently wasn't able to have a normal relationship with a human being instead of a mythical creature.

_Psych ward, anyone?_

"Oh Bella Bells, I sure have missed having you around! You make everything so much more fun!" Emmett said in a happy voice, and picked me up to throw me over his shoulder.

What the hell? What was with all the vampires throwing me around today? Did I look like a freaking glove? Or did I have a sign on my forehead saying 'this human is unable to walk on her own, please carry me'? It had to be one of those alternatives.

As I hung there, listening to Emmett's carefree chatter and not even bothering to try and get down since I knew he would just laugh at me for trying; I looked up and saw Edward watching me as he walked behind us through the corridor. He smirked when he caught my eye, mouthing the word 'vampire fetish' and raising his eyebrows. I blushed and looked away while Emmett deliberately swayed more than necessary, causing me to bob up and down like a bloody potato sack or something.

Why did I let myself get into these ridiculous situations?

* * *

**you all know where the review button is by now, right? *hint hint***

**Love!**


	13. Hide and Seek

**A/N: So even though I hardly get any feedback over here, I'm posting the next chapter here for the wonderful readers who DO comment. Thanks to all of you, you're amazing and I'm so glad you're liking the story!**

**And before you start, I just want warn you to not eat popcorn while reading. **

_Chapter theme song: Phantom Planet - Dropped_

* * *

**Chapter thirteen**

**Hide and seek **

I can swear I can feel the beating of a cold cold heart  
Or there's a chill, 'cause it's showing through your clothing  
And as far as I can tell  
There's nothing underneath your v-neck tee  
I'm begging, I'm begging, I'm begging you please  
Now

Tell me that you want me  
Tell me that you need me  
Tell me 'cause I'd like to know

Won't you stop teasing me  
Won't you take It easy  
Tell me 'cause I'd like to know  
You're never gonna go

Everybody knows the way the eye goes  
Moving like a curtain closes over the finale  
From your head down to your toe  
Up and down checking you out now  
Beyond a doubt

* * *

Emmett didn't let me down until we reached the living room, and Edward kept chuckling the whole way, mumbling 'vampire fetish' like he had just had a revelation.

Seriously though, I didn't have a vampire fetish. It just so happened that the two boyfriends I had had in my life accidently turned out to be… Not human. It's not like I knew what they were before… Oh hell who am I kidding, I knew there was something about Edward the moment I saw him, even though the word 'vampire' didn't immediately spring to my mind. Derek I had known about, of course. But I fell for him because of who he is, not what he is. There is a big difference.

When I was finally on the ground again, I barley had time to catch my breath before I was scooped up into another embrace. I recognized Esmee's scent and her soft touch the moment she put her arms around me, and I felt the tears trickling down my cheek as she held me close. "Oh Bella, I've missed you so much my dear" She whispered, and her voice sounded like she would be crying too if that was possible.

"I've missed you too Esmee" I choked out, overwhelming emotions flowing through me as I was once again in the arms in the woman I had once considered to be my second mother. I hadn't realized just how big part of the hole in my chest the rest of the family's absence had represented. I swallowed hard, trying to stop my crying as Esmee pulled back and looked me in the eyes. "You look really well Bella, just like I remember you." Esmee said, smiling warmly.

"You think?" Emmett suddenly said, eyeing me up and down with a skeptical look on his face. I became instantly wary; knowing that when he looked like that, he was thinking something wicked. "Hell I think she looks different. I mean, she doesn't really look old but she's grown up ya know. She's not a little girl anymore." He finished. I just stared wide eyed at him, confused. Did he just compliment me? That was kind of odd.

"Uh, thanks Emmett. I think?" I still wasn't entirely comfortable with talking about my age, but it was easier now than it had been before, when I was with Edward. He was seventeen forever, and I had wanted to be that too. But now, being with Derek who was 21, I didn't fear it as much. Stupid, I know. But it made sense in my own head at least.

And I realized, though I tried to not let my mind go there, that even if I now was 3 years older than Edward it didn't make any difference. I didn't think it would bother me, if I had chosen to be with him.

_Which you haven't,_ a voice in my head told me sharply. Right, I haven't. _Stay focused Bella._

I looked around the room now for the first time, and saw that the rest of the Cullen's were standing in various places, looking a bit hesitant to approach me. I met Carlisle gaze and he started walking toward me, looking just as strikingly beautiful as always.

"Bella, it's good to see you again" He said, and held out his hand. I took it immediately and smiled back at him "You too Carlisle, I'm so glad to be here, you have found an amazing house once again" I complimented. The house was really beautiful; I recognized the standard Cullen style and marveled at how skilled Esmee was at decorating, the living room was absolutely perfect in every sense. The walls were eggshell white, two large and comfortable looking sofas in a warm brown color were placed in front of the huge flat screen TV, and on the walls hang paintings that I guessed was worth more each than I had made during my entire year working at the coffee shop.

My gaze froze on Rosalie; she was standing in the doorway and looking mildly interested in what was going on. I guess the time we had spent apart hadn't changed her mind about me. She didn't approach me, she just stood and watched us as Alice jumped up from the couch and into my arms as soon as Carlisle had let go of my hand.

After Alice stepped back, my eyes fell on Jasper, who had been standing in the background and looked quite bewildered as his gaze moved between me and Edward. I guessed he was sensing our emotions towards each other, because he seemed confused to put it lightly.

I was slightly surprised that seeing him didn't really make me nervous or scared in any way, in fact I felt quite calm, which was weird. I wonder why… And then it hit me, Jasper was probably helping me not freak out or something. I smiled shyly at him, thankful that I could stay calm now and save the freaking out for later. He returned my smile, and looked relieved that I didn't mind him messing with my feelings without asking first.

"Hi Jasper" I said timidly. He nodded at me, "Hello, Bella" he said, but didn't approach me. I guess it would take some time for us to go back to normal, whatever normal had been in the first place.

"Alright enough with the awkward hello's, the movie is about to start!" Emmett called, and I looked over to see that he was now sprawled across one of the sofas, eyes of the TV and remote in hand. I furrowed my eyebrows, movie? Now?

"Uh, what are we watching?" I asked, glancing around the room to see that the rest of the Cullen's were looking as surprised at Emmett's announcement as I was.

Emmett flashed a wicked grin at me, and I suddenly realized that I probably didn't want to know. I felt Edward stiffen beside me, and glanced up to see him glaring at his brother.

That bad?

"Oh just a little movie I found the other day, I think you'll enjoy it Bella. Come on guys, sit down and watch it with me!" Emmett said cheerfully, smiling encouragingly at us.

The family complied, and I sat down in the other sofa next to Edward and Alice while Emmett scooted over to make room for Rosalie and Jasper.

"We'll let you kids enjoy the movie, Esmee and I are heading to the museum tonight so you'll be on your own." Carlisle said, and I turned my head to see him smiling at us, looking at me and Edward the same way Jasper had. Obviously all the Cullen's were curious about what was going on between us, but they were letting us decide whether or not to share. I appreciated that, I was thankful that they didn't make a big fuss about me being here, it was just what I needed. If this friendship with Edward was going to work, it would help if people didn't comment right now. I needed to figure out things for myself before I could answer other people's questions. Although, I really wanted to speak to Alice. I would have to steal her away later so I could get some of my worries out.

"Have a great night all of you. And Bella?" Esmee said, smiling warmly at me. "I'm glad you're back with us." I smiled back and waved at her and Carlisle as they left the room. Then I turned my head towards the screen, where Emmett was now fast forwarding through the trailers for upcoming films before hitting play when the title of the movie we would be watching showed.

"The Notebook?" I asked, not having a clue what that movie was about. I had heard about it a while ago, but I wasn't really into watching movies now a days.

"Yeah" Emmett smiled, and I again noticed that he had something wicked in his eyes. Edward sighed next to me, and I turned to look at him with my eyebrows raised. He obviously knew something about the film, and he looked a bit bothered.

"What's it about?" I asked Edward, but it was Emmett who answered, sounding very enthusiastic.

"Oh you see Bella, it's about this girl who meets a boy and they immediately fall in love. They spend the summer together but because they come from two different worlds, they are forced apart eventually. After a few years, the girl meets a new guy and falls in love with him, but she still can't forget the other guy. One day they meet again, and they have this really hot reunion where they first scream at each other and then have super crazy sex at his place. She realizes that she is still in love with him but she doesn't want to hurt the other guy cause she loves him too, you know. So she's stuck in between the two men who want her, and she doesn't know who to choose. It's really entertaining to watch!"

I was speechless. And not just because it was like the longest Emmett had ever spoken without breaking out in laughter or howl or something. But also because he had deliberately chosen that movie because of its resemblance to my… situation.

I glanced around me and saw that Edward looked like he would kill Emmett any second; the rage in his eyes actually scared me a bit. Rosalie looked amused, Alice looked sympathetic and Jasper looked… fascinated. I guess mine and Edwards emotions right now were quite interesting for him to observe.

"Uh, that's nice Emmett, but I think I'll pass" I said, not at all wanting to watch the movie in this company, it had 'awkward moment' written all over it.

"Aaaw come on Bella Bells, you can see it as being educational! I promise you can learn a little something about juggling two guys at once from it. Or, I can save you the two hours and just tell you who she chooses?" Emmett said with a grin. Before I had time to respond though, my phone started buzzing in my pocket. I pulled it out, and saw that I had a new text from Derek. I blushed as I felt Edward's gaze on me, and suddenly there was a giant pink elephant in the room with us. I opened the text and tried to ignore the awkward atmosphere.

_**Hope the cleaning is going well, I would be more than happy to join you since the team I'm cheering for is currently loosing and the guys are starting to mock me for not drinking beer with them. I wonder what they would say if I took them out for a night of my kind of drinking? I bet Peter would love himself a grizzly or two... Anyway, just wanted to tell you I love you and miss you. Can I come over later?**_

I felt a tingle in my stomach when I read the words 'I love you', we had said it to each other for the first time three weeks ago, and I loved hearing him say it. Or writing it, whichever.

"Sooo? Was it from the mysterious teacher that I have heard like absolutely nothing about?" Emmett teased, wiggling his eyebrows at me. I rolled my eyes and focused on not glancing in Edward's direction. I didn't know what I would find if I met his eyes, but I knew I probably didn't want to see it.

"His name is Derek" I said, not offering anything more than that. I didn't feel quite comfortable with this subject in a room full of my, as Emmett had so nicely put it, 'could-have-been-family in law'.

"Ah, so he has a name! I was almost beginning to think you had made him up to make Eddikins here jealous. Which totally worked anyway." Emmett laughed, and I blushed deeply. Couldn't he just drop it? But of course, this was Emmett we were talking about so he would most definitely not drop it, even if I would go down on my knees and beg for an hour.

"I'm curious Bella, how come you chose teachervamp over studentvamp? Is it because you want good grades? Cause I totally support that, studying is overrated and if you can sleep your way to the top you definitely should, it's a freakin great way to get ahead!" Emmett laughed, but after one glance at Rosalie's furious expression he quickly added "Not that I would know, of course. I totally have no idea what I'm talking about, what so ever. What was I saying?" He put on an angelic smile that made Rosalie huff and turn her eyes to the screen, where the movie had now started playing.

I didn't bother answering Emmett's question, and he was to busy trying to regain Rosalie's attention to keep asking. Instead I started writing an answer to Derek, still not looking at Edward.

_**I'm at a friend's house, cleaning had to wait. I don't know when I'll be back, probably late so what do you say to coming over tomorrow night instead? I want you to meet my friend Alice. Love you too. PS; I think Peter would prefer black bear, actually. **_

My phone buzzed again not 1 minute later, and I smiled when I read Derek's text.

_**Absolutely, I would love to meet her. Have fun tonight baby, I'll be thinking of you. PS; asked Peter if he would rather wrestle a black bear or a grizzly. You won…**_

"Bella, would you like something to eat?" Alice asked suddenly, and I looked up to see her standing in front of me, holding out her hand to me. I mumbled a confused 'yes' and took it, putting my phone down on the table. I finally dared to turn my head and look at Edward, and he was either really interested in the movie or trying to avoid my gaze. I guessed at the latter, feeling guilty for making him so uncomfortable. Well, actually the blame was all on Emmett, but whatever.

We walked to the kitchen, which was even bigger than the one in Forks had been. It was kind of ironic for vampires to have such grand kitchens when they never even used them.

"I stocked the kitchen with human food yesterday after I had a vision that you might be spending time here. It wasn't definite or anything, but I thought it was best to be prepared. So, what would you like?" She said, smiling widely. I guessed it was exciting for her to prepare human food, since it wasn't something she did often.

"Uhm, I don't know. A sandwich?" I answered, not knowing what I was in the mood for. I wanted to ask Alice how Edward was doing, but I knew the others could still hear us. Counting on the fact that Alice was very perceptive, I caught her gaze and raised my eyebrows, nodding in the direction of the living room. She understood my silent question, and smiled weakly while patting my hand softly.

"Is it bad?" I mouthed, experiencing a disturbing feeling in my stomach from her reply. Edward had seemed so at ease before, and though I had known it was probably all just a façade, I had hoped that he would be somewhat okey.

"Don't worry" Alice mouthed back, shaking her head slightly. When I didn't relax my worried expression she continued silently "give him time". I nodded, knowing that time was probably the only thing that could help in a situation like this. Not that anyone had ever been in a situation quite like this one before, but anyway.

Alice quickly made me a sandwich and poured me a glass of juice before we returned to the living room. The movie was no longer playing, and I could bet that Edward had demanded Emmett turn it off. I was beyond grateful, but made a silent note that I would actually watch it in a near future. Fictional characters or not, I needed every little advice I could get right now.

The TV was now showing Jeopardy and I sat back on the couch next to Edward, watching the show and chatting with everyone. Well, except for Rosalie of course.

Edward eventually relaxed back into the carefree behavior he had before, and I calmed down a bit and enjoyed the friendly banter that was quickly feeling more and more natural.

When Emmett suggested we'd watch a comedy called 'The Hangover' I agreed and leaned back against the couch, making myself comfortable. Alice jumped up and announced that she was going to make popcorn for me, before disappearing to the kitchen. I laughed at her excitement and looked over at Edward, who smiled back at me. When his gaze became intense my laughter quickly faded, and I was lost in his golden eyes, unable to look away. When the corner of his mouth twitched, I realized that I had fallen for it again. For the third time today.

"What the hell, Edward! You're not supposed to do that!" I exclaimed, smacking his chest. I silently cursed myself instantly, my palm stinging. Damn it, his chest was hard. Yeah, like I didn't know that one before, but I hadn't tried to hit him before. Except for when I elbowed him earlier, and look how that one turned out; I now had a bruise on my elbow to show for it.

Seeing me wince, Edward immediately grabbed my hand and held it to his face to examine it. I tried to ignore the tingles I felt when his cool breath hit my skin, concentrating at keeping a straight face.

"You should probably stop trying to hit me Bella, it doesn't really do any good you know."

He snickered when he was sure my hand was fine, and then he started playing with my fingers in a very more-than-friendly way before I pulled my hand away.

If I let him continue I would end up dazzled again, and I wasn't having that.

But his words had made me realize something; I couldn't get to Edward by hitting him, not without injuring myself that is, but I could get back at him in other ways…

Just then Alice returned with a big bowl of popcorn, and bounced down beside me in the couch. Emmett hit play and the movie started, but I didn't pay attention to it at the moment.

_Getting back at Edward…_

When the idea hit me, I couldn't help but to grin wickedly. Oh, this would be fun.

I reached for the popcorn bowl, placing it in my lap and eating a few. I glanced in Edward's direction and saw that he was watching the screen, so I purposely dropped a popcorn in his lap. His legs were slightly spread, so it disappeared in to the couch under him. He looked at me with raised eyebrows, unsure of what I was doing.

Concentrating on my 'get back at Edward' task, I arranged my face in an expression of innocence, letting out a small "Oops" and batted my eyelashes at him a few times. Edward seemed confused, and I cheered myself on in my head.

Never looking away from his eyes, I placed the bowl back on the table. Then I turned my body around and slowly reached my leg out to place it on the other side off him, so that I was now straddling him on the couch. His eyes grew wide at my action, and he seemed to be frozen as he kept staring at me. I smiled slightly, and leaned forward so that my lips were right at his ear.

"I think there's something down there that I need to grab" I whispered seductively, or so I hoped, and concentrated on not bursting out in laughter as I felt him tense up under me.

Still moving slowly, I let my hand trail down over his stomach and then I purposely let my fingers linger a bit too long on his thighs, before reaching down between his legs.

I pulled back a bit when I heard him gasp, and looked into his eyes as intensely as he had looked into mine before. My lips were almost touching his when I leaned forward, and I had to restrain myself from going all the way and letting my mouth crash down on his, reminding myself that I was doing this for a reason.

My hand was still between his legs, digging for the lost popcorn. Just when I heard him exhale and then lean forward to let his lips meet mine, my fingers found the popcorn.

"Oh lookie there, I found what I was looking for!" I said cheerfully, still only inches from Edward's face and smiling so wide that my cheeks actually hurt.

He just stared wide eyed at me, not even moving or breathing. I rolled off of him back on to the couch. His eyes followed me, and his mouth actually hung open. I was so pleased with myself that I had to work really hard on not bursting out in laughter at his expression.

"Gottcha" I snickered, and then popped the popcorn into my mouth, chewing happily.

_Take that, dazzler!_

I suddenly realized that the room had gone completely silent, I didn't even hear the TV anymore. So I looked around, and met the stares of four wide eyed vampires.

For a moment they just kept looking at me, and then Emmett's booming laughter filled the room. Alice and Jasper joined in, and even Rosalie eventually started laughing. I couldn't help myself, I burst out giggling and had to grab hold of Edward to avoid falling off the couch. I glanced up at him between giggles and saw that he was still frozen, just staring at me. Then he shook his head, and a smile began to form on his lips as he watched me and his family laughing like maniacs.

"I definitely have to feed you popcorn more often" His smile now was blinding, and he looked so happy that my heart warmed at the sight of him. Oh well, so much for getting back at him, he obviously liked my little stunt more than he was supposed to.

But it was totally worth it to see him smile like this.

"Who knew popcorn could be so sexy?" Emmett laughed and hit play on the remote so that the movie started up again. I shook my head, smiling.

"Oh, it's all about where you put them, you see." I tried to keep my voice serious but I can't say I succeeded.

"Hey Rose, wanna grab some popcorn?" Emmett asked Rosalie, a hopeful expression on his face. Rosalie just rolled her eyes at him and turned her head towards the screen again.

The rest of the night we spent watching the movie, talking, laughing and eating popcorn. I didn't drop another one, not sure if my self control could take one more round of 'hide and seek the popcorn'.

When my stomach was full of them, I padded it lightly and declared that it was time for me to get going. I didn't miss Edward's disappointed expression, but tried not to dwell too much on it. I didn't really want to leave, but I had school in the morning and unlike them I needed sleep to be able to make it through the day.

"I'll give you a ride" Edward said, getting up from the couch and offering his hand. I smiled and took it, glad he had been the one to offer. I enjoyed his company so much when he was like this, it was a side of him I hadn't really seen before. I said goodnight to everyone and waved as we left, and got a chorus of 'goodnight' and 'see you tomorrow' back. I think even Rosalie gave me a faint smile. Wow, that was unexpected.

We walked through the corridor back to the garage, and Edward held the door open for me to climb in. As I buckled my seatbelt he started the car and reversed out.

"So, did you have a good time tonight?" He asked, smiling at me. I nodded, thinking of the friendly mood and everyone's carefree behavior as we sat and chatted about everything between heaven and earth. "It was really great, thank you Edward. I loved seeing everyone again, I have really missed them." I said, feeling all warm inside as I remembered Esmee's embrace.

"They missed you too." His eyes were on the road now, and he was actually driving in human speed for once. That was kind of strange, I thought.

We were silent for a while and it was the kind of comfortable silence between close friends; where there wasn't any pressure to fill it with chatter. The car slowed down eventually, and I saw through the darkness that we were at my apartment building.

I made no move to get out, not wanting to ruin the moment as we sat and stared out of the window, lost in our own thoughts. I heard Edward take a deep breath after a few minutes, and turned to look at him.

His eyes were sad, and it hurt my heart to see it. The weak smile on his lips didn't convince me, I could see that he was suffering.

"Bella, can I say something before you leave?" He asked in a low voice. I nodded and waited for whatever he was going to say, I could sense that it was something that was hard for him.

"I am so sorry, so very sorry for what I have done to you, I never meant-" I cut him off; I couldn't stand the pain in his voice as it stabbed me with the depth of it. "Edward you don't have to do this, it's okey" I said in a weak voice, placing my hand on his arm to try and comfort him. He shook his head and took my hand in his, boring his eyes into mine.

"No. Bella, I need to tell you this, you need to know why I did the things I did. Please, will you listen?" His voice was fierce now, and I bit my lip and nodded hesitantly, all the while trying not to think of the amazing way his hand felt in mine.

"When Jasper attacked you on your birthday, it was like all my fears became real. I was terrified, and I hated myself for being the reason that you had been hurt. I always knew my presence kept you constantly on the edge of danger, but I couldn't make myself leave. I loved you too much, I still do, but when I came face to face with my worst nightmare I couldn't use my need to be with you as an excuse anymore. I couldn't let you get hurt because of me. Leaving you was the hardest thing I have done in a hundred years Bella, and if I hadn't believed that you would be better off without me I could never have made myself go. I hated myself for what I did, and I still do, I will never forgive myself for what I did. But I need you to know that I did it because I love you, because your safety is so important to me that I would give my life for it in a heartbeat. I love you Bella, I have always loved you and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind every second that I was away. I need you to know that the way I feel about you will never change, but I will be in your life as your friend and I will never be far whenever you need me."

I felt the tears in my eyes spill over but I didn't have the words to answer him, all I wanted was for the pain in his eyes to go away.

_He did it because he loved me, he still loves me. He won't leave. _

I slowly reached forward and let my fingers stroke his cheek; he closed his eyes and leaned in to my touch as he sighed. I blinked the tears away, and drew in a ragged breath before giving his hand that was still in mine a light squeeze.

"I love you too" I whispered, and then withdrew my hand from his and opened the door, getting out quickly. It felt like I was dying with every step I took, but I didn't look back.

* * *

**Update: I see that many are curious to when Bella is going to tell Derek about what happened between her and Edward, but you know it has only been ONE day! Haha I know, totally doesn't feel like it huh? And she will eventually, but next up is Edwards point of view! (because I love myself a little Eddikins time :)**

**Review if you liked it, Review if you hate it! I want to hear it ALL! 3**


	14. Confrontation

**A/N: Sorry for the slow updates, I've been suffering from a major writersblock.. (also known as getting too caught up in other people's ff's to have time to write my own..) But you know what always helps an author with writersblock? **

**Reviews! Yes, you heard right. Reviews are what keeps me writing after all, so please take a minute to leave a little something if you like the story! This is the chapter we've all been waiting for.. Or at least the beginning of it ;) If I get a lot of comments, I'll post chapter 16 in Derek's point of view. I know we're all curious to see what's going on in that pretty head of his, especially after this chapter...**

_Chapter theme song: Roxette - Spending my time_

* * *

**Chapter fourteen**

**Confrontation**

What's the time?  
Seems its already morning  
I see the sky, its so beautiful and blue  
The TV's on  
But the only thing showing is a picture of you

Then I thank the Lord above  
That you're not there to see me  
In this shape I'm in

Spending my time  
Watching the days go by  
Feeling so small  
I stare at the wall  
Hoping that you think of me too  
I'm spending my time

I try to call but I don't know what to tell you  
I leave a kiss on your answering machine  
Oh, help me please  
Is there someone who can make me  
Wake up from this dream?

**Edward's point of view**

"Oh come on man, not that face again! Can't you just pretend to not be miserable for like two minutes? Depression doesn't agree with you bro, just saying." Emmett complained, and I growled at him without even looking in his direction as I walked into the living room and sat down in one of the sofas.

It wasn't as if I didn't know that every member of my family was tired of seeing me like this, but the rest of them at least had the decency to not say it to my face. It was always there in their thoughts though, not in an unfriendly way, they just wanted to see me happy again.

Three weeks ago, I had been happy for the first time in two and a half years. That was the day when Bella walked in to the classroom and brought back reason to my life again. And then making love to her, feeling those soft, warm lips on mine, being so close, closer than we had ever been before, closer than I had ever thought we would be again. Abandoning all rational thinking and just existing for each other… For a few wonderful hours she had been mine and I hers, like it had been before.

Before I had made the most idiotic decision of my life and left her in the woods, thinking she would be better of without me. Well, that hadn't worked like I'd planned and now I have the evidence of my stupidity teaching me English literature three times a week. As they say, karma's a bitch. And also revengeful as hell.

Since Bella stepped out of my car that day after whispering that she loved me, we hadn't spoken again even once. It was as if she didn't see me, like she pretended I wasn't even there.

I didn't understand how we could go from being so friendly and easygoing to acting like total strangers. It was hell, seeing her everyday and not speaking to her. She spoke to Alice though, but of course Alice wouldn't tell me anything about Bella's reason for acting the way she did. Alice kept on translating song lyrics to different languages in her head whenever I was near. Needless to say I'd gotten my fair share of "Bad Romance" in every language there is. I hate that song, especially in Chinese.

But I knew better than to just drag Bella into a broom closet at school and demand of her to speak to me, I had made a promise to myself that I had to do this on her conditions and not force my presence on her. I would give her time and put my 'win Bella back' plan on hold for a while. I mean, had I really expected to just walk right back into her life and be her friend after one day? Of course she needed time, and I was selfish for thinking for one second that I could act like nothing was wrong when in fact, everything was wrong.

Having said that, Bella not speaking to me was one thing. It hurt so much that I wanted to scream every time she passed me in the hallway and averted her eyes when she saw me. I knew I deserved it after what I had done, and I deserved to be tortured because of my actions for hundreds of years if not more.

But there was another part of this messed up situation. The one that made me write essays on books I'd read 45 years ago, the one who's eyes always lingered a bit too long on Bella, the one who's thoughts made me want to snap his neck and tear him apart limb by limb and burn the pieces.

Derek Hawkins.

The worst thing about this man was that no matter how much I resented his presence, I couldn't make myself hate him. Not after being in his mind almost every day and hearing his thoughts, because I knew how he felt about Bella. He loved her and cherished her in the way she should be cherished, and there had never been a single malicious or bad thought about her in his mind. Believe me, I had looked.

We had spoken once, the day after everything had happened between me and Bella. He was very curious about me, more so then he let on. He sensed my reluctance to answer questions about myself, and didn't press for information. I told him that I was staying with friends here in Rochester, since Alice had told me before we got here not to reveal that the Cullen's were in fact my family.

When I had asked her why, she hadn't at the time been able to give me an answer just that I should go by 'Masen' from then on. Now I knew why of course, it was because Derek wasn't supposed to know that I was related to the vampire family that Bella had been involved with before. It was strange that Alice had foreseen that detail about my name, since she hadn't known that Bella was about to come back into our lives. I didn't want to dwell on that, I had more important things on my mind right now.

Like how to get Bella to talk to me. Yes, that one would take all my concentration for sure…

"I actually thought for a moment that we were finally rid of Sullen Edward Cullen, but I guess he's back with full force now, isn't he?"

I growled and shot Emmett an angry glare, but he just rolled his eyes at me.

"Look Edward, I know that you think this 'give Bella time' thing is the best thing to do, but believe me it's not. Seriously, if you don't even try to talk to her she'll probably think that you've given up and that you don't care anymore. Is that what you want? You know what, I'll take the liberty to answer that one for you; it's NOT what you want. You said that you wanted to give her time, and well now it's been three weeks of you moping around and her ignoring you so I believe it's time for a different strategy." He said, sounding both a bit annoyed but also encouraging at the same time.

You know things are bad when Emmett starts making sense, since that usually means that your own reasoning is way fucked up.

I sighed and turned towards him. It was just him and Jasper and me at home for the moment, the others were out hunting.

Jasper had been quiet the whole time, but I could feel his eyes on me. We were watching some stupid reality show that Emmett obviously enjoyed, though I couldn't for the life of me understand why. Emmett was just weird that way I guess.

But I figured I might as well talk to my brothers, I'd been keeping to myself for the last couple of weeks, I didn't have the patience to be around my family and hear the pity they felt for me in their thoughts. But right now it felt okey since Emmett didn't feel pity or anything like it, he was just eager for me to get off my ass and do something. To tell the truth, so was I. Waiting for Bella to approach me was obviously not working as Emmett had so nicely pointed out, so maybe I did need to put the 'win Bella back' plan in action?

"That's the spirit" Jasper said, sensing my resolve.

"Do you guys really think I should change tactics?" I asked, already knowing what they thought of course, but I wanted them to say it out loud.

"Hell yeah bro! It's time for some scheming if you're gonna beat that teacher dude. He might think he's got the upper hand, or well he doesn't know he needs an upper hand, but still Edward, you're the one who's been in her pants" Emmett chuckled, and I felt the rage building. Of course I knew Emmett loved making fun of everything, but what Bella and I had shared was not something I wanted him to mention like that. Before I got a chance to attack him though, I felt a wave of calm hitting me and reluctantly relaxed back.

Damn Jasper…

"Cool it, guys. We need to work together on this. Emmett, please try to focus and stop making fun of Edward's sex life, and Edward please remember the fact that Emmett is born without a verbal filter and that it's not his fault that he's got a big mouth."

"Hell yeah it's big! Do you know what else is b-"

"Shut up Emmett" Jasper called and covered his ears in a childlike manner. I couldn't help but to laugh at them and it felt good to do so. I hadn't laughed in weeks. Sullen Cullen for sure.

"I was going to say that Edward has big challenge in front of him, Jasper. Why do you always assume that I'm going to say something-"

"Alright, that's enough. Emmett, we both know what you were about to say and it didn't have anything to do with me. Can we focus, please?" I said, actually eager to start outlining this plan now.

They both sobered up and leaned forward, looking intrigued.

"So, I think I'm prepared to agree with you Emmett. My way of handling this is obviously not working, so I'm gonna put the 'win Bella back' plan in motion. Will you guys help me?" I asked. Emmett howled and Jasper nodded encouragingly.

"Fuck yeah! This shit is even better than reality TV man!" Emmett turned off the TV and grinned expectantly. I rolled my eyes at him.

"I don't want to risk coming on to strong, I think that will just drive her to him rather than to me. But I have to do something… So, brainstorm guys."

Of course, I should have known that Emmett would take 'storm' literally.

"Kidnap her!"

"No Emmett."

"Dress up as Derek and pretend you're him!"

"No Emmett"

"Tell her Derek's not a real vampire! With her vampire fetish that one will surely be a deal breaker!"

"No Emmett…"

"Tell her you're dying and your dying wish is that she chooses you instead!"

I raised my eyebrows. This was not progressing the way I'd hoped. But then again, this was Emmett. What had I expected?

"Em, you're forgetting the fact that your brother is a vampire." Jasper said, shaking his head.

"Duh, like I didn't know that! But Bella believes everything you say, I'm sure she'd buy it anyway." Emmett argued, and I actually believed that he was serious.

Maybe I should work on a 'get rid of Emmett' plan alongside my 'win Bella back' plan?

"Can we please be serious? This is my life we're talking about here, I need your help. I can't do the 'only friends' thing, it's killing me to even think about it. I want what's best for her, but I want that to be me. I need to make her see that she can trust me, and that I won't leave her ever again. I need her, I can't live this way any longer. I know that a lot of 'I want' and 'I need' but we were happy, both of us, before I did that stupid mistake. And she still loves me, I just have to make her see that she loves me more than him…"

A silence followed, during which Jasper and Emmett just sat and stared at me.

"Then that's what we need to focus on" Jasper said eventually, breaking the silence. "Edward as long as you're sure that you will not leave her like that again we will try to help you, but are you sure that you can give her what she wanted from you before but you weren't willing to give her? Will you make her one of us if she asks you? Because you know as well as I do that if you two were to get back together, she wouldn't want to stay human."

I knew this, of course. I had been going over it in my mind ever since our first meeting. She had wanted immortality three years ago, when we first met, but would she still want it? She was older now, and things like family and children were probably a bigger deal to her now than it was before. Would she want to give all of that up to be with me? I still didn't know if I wanted her to do that, I still felt sick every time I thought about taking her life from her.

But that thought couldn't even compare to the idea of living forever without her, the pain that thought caused me was too much to handle.

I knew I had my answer, I couldn't live without her, and so I would make her one of us. If she would still want me, that is. But at least I had made up my mind about this fact.

"Yes, I will. If she still wants me to, I will give her immortality. I can't live without her Jazz, and I'll do whatever it takes to make her mine again."

Both Jasper and Emmett nodded, and then Emmett started grinning, breaking the tension.

"Well then, let's get this show on the road! I want my little sis back, so you'd better now screw this up Edward. I think we should definitely use your weird skill to dazzle her since that one always seems to hit home. That girl is a sucker for your vamp teeth and eyes man, so we'll need to play on those features to get her to talk to you again. She won't be able to resist, I promise." Emmett said, sounding like he was really getting into this.

"Dazzle her? Is that really the only way for me to get her attention?" I asked skeptically.

"You know what they say man; If you've got it, flaunt it!" Emmett laughed.

"Well, you could use your, uhm… 'dazzling', to get her to speak to you, but I hardly believe that it will just take a set of shining vampire teeth to make her change her mind and go back to you." Jasper said, and I nodded in agreement. I secretly liked dazzling Bella, it was kind of amazing that I had that effect on her. Though what I could do to her was nothing compared what she had done to me three weeks ago, on the day that would go down in history as the 'Dropped Popcorn Day'. The way she had straddled me in the sofa, her lips at my ear, her sweet breath against my skin, her fingers sliding down my stomach and then…

"Uhm, Edward, do you mind? That's kind of awkward for me you know…" Jasper's voice interrupted my reveries, and I realized that I had gotten a bit too carried away.

I chuckled at his expression; he looked a bit uncomfortable because of the emotions coming from me when I thought about Bella. Jasper was used to those kinds of feelings coming from all the family members, but it didn't mean that he particularly enjoyed them.

"What? What did he do?" Emmett asked, grinning from ear to ear.

Jasper sighed, shaking his head. "Edward here just got a bit, err, excided at the thought of Bella."

Emmett howled and started laughing, which made Jasper relax slightly now that the atmosphere wasn't filled with my… excitement, as he had put it.

"So, step number one will be for Edward to get back on speaking terms with Bella and to achieve that, he will use his patented crooked grin and dreamy eyes. Let's just start of with that and then plan the rest of the strategy once we know that she's still receptive to his charm." Emmett declared, not able to keep from laughing.

I snorted. Emmett made it sound like there was nothing more to me except my looks. I knew that Bella wasn't just in love with my exterior, but I guessed my best chance to get her to talk to me again was to just unceremoniously dazzle her into stop pretending that I didn't exist.

"Okey, let's do it. When should I start?" I asked them, and Emmett jumped up from the couch and gestured towards the clock above the TV. It was 7.20, and time for school.

"No time like the present!" Emmett called excitedly as he ran up the stairs to get changed. I sighed, glancing at Jasper who was watching me intently.

_You sure this is what you want? _

"Yes. It's a start, anyway." I answered his silent question. Jasper nodded but still didn't look entirely convinced.

_Go easy on her though, probably shouldn't release all the mad skills on her right away. Make sure she's still conscious when you speak to her._

I rolled my eyes at him. "It might go easier if she's unconscious though" I muttered.

"What? Are we back to the kidnapping plan?" Emmett said enthusiastically as he reappeared in the living room, now wearing a different set of clothes.

"You're impossible" I sighed as I stood up and started towards the stairs.

"You know you love me!" He called after me, and I couldn't help laughing. Emmett's obsession with the Gossip Girl series was something I didn't even dare to investigate in. Let's just say he and Alice had discussions on a daily basis over who was the star of the show, Chuck or Nate, and that Rosalie did not exactly approve of his fascination. Needless to say, Emmett watched way too much TV.

While I was in my room getting changed I heard the rest of the family returning home. I joined with my siblings as we left for school a few minutes later, and I could hear their curiosity in their minds when they took in my expression. No one asked though, and I was grateful for that. I felt excited, eager to try to talk to Bella but also a bit anxious about how she would respond to me 'dazzling' her. The rest of the family didn't need to know about the plan, it would be better to just keep it between me and my brothers.

Alice had chosen German for today's version of Bad Romance, but I didn't pay attention to her, I just wanted to get to school and see Bella.

When we got there a couple of minutes later I was immediately hit by the wonderful, sweet scent that was Bella. She was sitting on a bench with a book in her lap, reading intently. I nodded briefly towards Jasper and Emmett, and then started walking towards her. We still had about 10 minutes, and I couldn't make myself wait any longer.

"Edward, I don't think you should…" Alice said in a low voice, but I ignored her. My eyes were locked on Bella, I needed to hear her voice again, it had been too long…

She didn't look up until I was standing right in front of her, and when she met my gaze I could hear her heartbeats pick up. I stared deep into her eyes, smiling slightly as she got that same expression as she always did when I looked at her this way. Slightly dazed, but so unbelievably beautiful, she still took my breath away every time I saw her. I breathed in deeply, taking in her scent and letting it fill my lungs.

"Bella" I murmured, stepping closer. I held her gaze as I sat down next to her on the bench, and she seemed unable to speak.

Hmm, what was that Jasper had said? Oh right, I shouldn't come off to strong. _Keep her conscious._

"Uhm, hi Edward." She said, and the way my name sounded coming from her lips made me want to kiss her. Well, everything she did made me want to kiss her, but still. Her lovely voice was still as sweet and perfect as when I had first met her. Bella had changed a great deal over the last two years; she was an adult now, but still just as gorgeous. I couldn't take my eyes off of her, and she seemed unable to look away from me as well.

"How are you?" I asked, smiling.

She didn't answer at first, but then she shook her head as if to clear it. When she looked back at me, the dazed expression was gone and she now appeared to be both suspicious and a bit annoyed.

"What do you want Edward?" She asked, taking me by surprise. She sounded almost angry.

"I… Well I was just wondering how-" I began, but she cut me of.

"What? First you don't speak to me for three weeks and now you want to know how I am all of the sudden?" She spat at me, and I just stared at her, dumbfounded. I hadn't spoken to her? But she was the one who had been avoiding me, what did she mean?

Before I got a chance to answer, I caught something in one of the hundred thoughts surrounding me. It was Bella's name, and I quickly realized that the thought belonged to Derek. He was just arriving and would see us in a few seconds.

I panicked, I knew Bella didn't want Derek to know about us and I wanted to respect her whishes, waiting for her to tell him when she was ready.

"Bella, please" I tried to tell her to be quiet, but she ignored me and raised her voice instead.

"Please what? Huh, Edward? What do you want from me? First you leave me in the forest and break my heart, and then you come here and mess everything up! Making me sleep with you and then pretending like we can be friends, only to mess that up too by telling me all those things! I would have given EVERYTHING to hear you say those words before, Edward. I would have been yours in a heartbeat, I would have forgiven you for everything if you had come back to find me! But I can't do it now, I love you so much it hurts but it's not enough!" The tears streamed down her face, her arms clutched around her as she half shouted in a broken voice.

I stood frozen, listening to her words. As much as I wanted to respond to them, I couldn't. Because right now, Derek was making his way towards us. He was so confused and shocked that I couldn't make out any coherent thought in his mental turmoil.

"What? You're suddenly quiet? No more dazzling? The great Edward Cullen is at a loss for words, who would have thought!" Bella kept on yelling at me, and all my muscles tensed up, knowing that she would soon look to her right and see Derek.

When I didn't respond, Bella reached for her bag and stood up.

"You didn't even try… I waited for you but you didn't care enough to try and speak to me." She whispered, and I felt a stab to my dead heart at her words. Had she waited? Did she really think I didn't care? I had only wanted to give her time, to allow her some peace to gather her thoughts.

Bella suddenly turned around, and then froze as she saw Derek standing there, watching us. For a few moments, everything was quiet. The schoolyard was empty except for us since everyone else had gone inside by now, and the atmosphere in yard suddenly felt eerie. I'd never realized that a silence could be so loud.

"Bella?" Derek's voice broke the silence finally, and I looked from Bella to him. His expression was so tormented and hurt that I could hardly stand looking at him. I had a feeling that was the same expression I had had when I had seen his hand on her back that first day, and heard him whisper to her.

My eyes went back to Bella, whose breathing had stopped altogether. She stared at him, panic and shock clear in her eyes.

And I knew that right then and there, everything was about to change.

* * *

**I am not above bribing, everyone who comments will get a preview of the next chapter ;)**

**And also, HI LOVELIES! To all my wonderful readers from who has joined me here to keep reading this story! You're the best, thank you for being there from the start and giving me the best feedback I could ever ask for! **


	15. Point of No Return

**A/N: I'm so grateful for all the comments I got after the last chapter! Thank you everyone, you have no idea how much it means to me to hear that you enjoy this story!**

**However, I think it's coming to an end a bit sooner than I had originally planned. Maybe 5 more chapters. But believe me, there is something big heading our way! (I kind of want to get there now, lol) I really want to focus on the other stories I'm writing, and I'm starting to lose my connection to this one I'm afraid.. BUT I will put my heart and soul into the last chapters, don't worry!**

_Chapter theme song: Help! I'm alive - Metric_

_(Because seriously, those lyrics crack me up)_

* * *

**Chapter fifteen**

**Point of no return**

If I tremble, they're gonna eat me alive  
If i stumble, they're gonna eat me alive

Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer  
Help, Im alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer  
Hard to be soft, tough to be tender  
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train  
Help, Im alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer

If my life is mine  
What shouldn't I do?

* * *

**Bella's point of view**

After my night at Edward's place I knew things had to change. The words he had spoken when we sat together in his car kept repeating themselves in my head, making me almost dizzy. I had told him that I loved him because after all, what was the point of denying it?

I knew I couldn't do the friendship thing. It was going to kill me, what I needed was to move on but I couldn't stop loving him. Thinking of everything that had happened made me sick to my stomach. I didn't want to think about him, but I couldn't stop.

I couldn't stop thinking about being in his arms every second.  
His cool lips brushing my cheek gently, the feeling of his smooth skin beneath my fingers, the way our fingers intertwined so perfectly.

I couldn't stop thinking about how we had been so perfect together.

I kept imagining our insane, amazing, beautiful future and I knew I wanted it all, I had once thought that it was really going to happen, and now the pain of being able to have it but not knowing if it was the right thing to do was eating me up.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't focus. I couldn't be without him. I didn't want to go the rest of my life wondering what it would have been like if we had ended up together.

I whished that for just a single moment I could feel like the universe wasn't about to crush me, and my heart wasn't about to explode.

But deep down I knew that I would betray myself if I chose Edward now. I would betray the part of me that knew that I had a future with Derek, a long, wonderful future with a man who I trusted and who loved me and would never do anything to hurt me. My mind wanted Derek, and my heart… Well, my heart didn't know what it wanted.

But I owed it to myself to try and make things work with Derek, I had been so happy with him before Edward returned, and maybe, just maybe, I could find that happiness again. He made me feel good and would always know exactly what I needed because he knew me so well.

I thought back to our first months together, how we had connected instantly and then spent hours and hours talking and learning from each other. It had been so effortless to fall in love with him, so natural to let myself love him and be loved in return.

It had surprised me, as I thought I would never fall for another man again after Edward, but Derek was so special and showed me time after time that I could trust him.

So I stuck to my decision, and stayed with Derek.

I knew that if I was going to make it work I needed to put some distance between me and Edward. It had been obvious after that first day that we couldn't just be friends, there was too much tension between us for that. A friend that could dazzle you into unconsciousness was not safe to be around when you were working on figuring out your relationship with your boyfriend.

I didn't want to let go of Alice though, and she promised me that whatever I said to her she would make sure to keep it from Edward.

Alice and Derek met the day after my visit at the Cullen's, and they got along really well from the very beginning. Both of them spoke warmly of each other after our little get together, and I was so glad that Alice seemed to approve of Derek. It meant a lot, seeing as this was the man who had taken her brothers place in my life, and she didn't really have to like him because of that. But she did, and it made things a lot easier for me.

We spent countless hours at my place, talking and laughing and crying. Well, I did the crying part, while Alice handed me tissues and stroke my hair as I sobbed uncontrollably against her shoulder. I couldn't understand how I had ever made it through without her for two and a half years.

I never went to visit Renée since I didn't want her to see me right now. I know it would just take her one look at me before she would start questioning me on what was wrong. She knew me too well to be around right now.

Derek sensed that something going on, of course. How could he not? We spent almost every night together, when I wasn't with Alice that is.

He asked me about what was wrong but I said I didn't want to talk about it and Derek, being the wonderful man that he was, never pressured me to anything.

In school I avoided Edward, though it killed me to do it. I also felt terrible for saying that we could be friends and then just take it back like that. I always sensed his eyes on me, although I tried to not look in his direction at all.

Part of me whished he would speak to me, that he would ask me what was going on and show that my avoiding him affected him in any way. There was also the part of me that wanted nothing more than for him to scoop me up and carry me back to his place so that I could once again be in his arms, the way I had been three weeks ago…

"Stop it Bella" I murmured, and then looked around to make sure that no one was close enough to hear me speaking to myself.

I had gotten to school early today, Derek and I hadn't spent the night together and I never slept well when he wasn't there. Kind of like how I always used to sleep better when Edward would stay with me…

And just like that, the memory of Edward climbing through the window to my old room back in Forks hit me, and hit me hard. I remembered the crooked smile on his lips, how his eyes seemed almost black in the darkness, and his cold arms around me as he held me close. He would sing me my lullaby as I fell asleep with my head on his chest, breathing in his wonderful Edward scent. Feeling like nothing in the world could ever go wrong, like we would be together forever.

I shook my head; I couldn't think of things like that, it did no good. Instead I thought of the moths and years after he left, and the pain that came with loosing the one thing I thought I would never be without. How my heart had finally gotten so tired of beating in hopes that he would come back to me, how my mind was so tired of replaying all those memories of us together and haunting me with nightmares where I always ended up alone. My lips had gotten tired of always craving his, and my eyes would never see the one thing I was looking for.

That was my life for two years before I met Derek. How could I be doing this to him? The man who had brought me back to life, who had showed me that I could still love and who thought I was worthy of being loved by him. How could I be lying to him like I had been doing? It had to end, I couldn't do it anymore. I would tell him today.

Immediately I felt a cold stab to my heart, picturing Derek's face when he learned that I had been unfaithful and that I had lied to him for weeks and worst of all, that Edward was the man who had once been my greatest love.

But I had to do it, I hated myself every second for what I was doing. I had always planned on telling him of course, but planning and doing are two very different things. How does one even start that conversation? 'Hey Derek, you know your student Edward? Well he was the man who I was desperately in love with and who then left me. And yeah, that day I ran out of the classroom he followed me and we ended up having crazy, wonderful, life altering sex at his place. That was what I had been doing when you found me and brought me home to your place. I hope you don't want to kill me, but if you do, I think I'd actually be okey with it. Go ahead.'

Something along those lines perhaps? Or I should probably skip the 'crazy, wonderful and life altering' part, no need to rub it in.

"Shit Bella what are you even thinking? Get a grip!" I muttered out loud, earning a few glances from passing students. Great.

I was sitting on a bench in the school yard, just waiting for my first class to start. I could probably do something more productive with my time instead of going over my screwed up love life for the hundredth time, but I didn't know if I could concentrate. Once I'd started thinking too deep on this matter, it wouldn't just go away.

But I picked up my book anyway, hoping it could distract me. I was reading Wuthering Heights again, as I could never get enough of it.

Eventually Cathy and Heathcliff managed to steer my thoughts away from reality and I was lost once more in the drama and tragedy of 19th century England.

I was hardly even aware that I was still sitting on a bench outside my school, when I suddenly felt a change in the atmosphere. I knew without looking up who caused it.

Edward.

I felt my heartbeats quicken as I looked up and met his gaze.

I hadn't even realized how much I had missed him until he was standing in front of me again, his eyes smoldering and with my favorite crooked smile on his beautiful lips. I couldn't look away from him as he moved to sit down next to me, I couldn't even speak. Not that I had any idea what I would say if I was able to anyway.

Go away? Kiss me? I hate you? I love you?

He looked so unbelievably good, wearing a grey jacket with a black button down shirt underneath and a pair of faded blue jeans. His hair was in its usual disarray, and I was hit with the memory of having my fingers running through it roughly while he was kissing down my neck, his cool breath had felt so good against my overheated skin as our bodies intertwined in his bed...

"Bella" He breathed, just loud enough for me to hear it. I had missed his voice so much, I wanted him to talk more just so I could hear it again.

_Tell me you love me._

_Tell me you've missed me._

_Say it and I'm yours…_

"Hi Edward" I kind of mumbled, and saw him smiling wider at my words.

"How are you?" He asked, still smiling and holding my gaze.

I then realized what was happening. He was dazzling me, _again. _No wonder I couldn't form a coherent thought, he was using my weakness to get me to talk to him. Did he think that was funny? Telling me he loves me and all of that, and then not even trying to talk to me for 3 whole weeks just to show up like this and mess with my head again?

I shook my head and stared at him with suspicion. What was he playing at?

"What do you want Edward?" I asked, not able to contain my raising anger.

"I… Well I was just wondering how-" Edward began but I cut him of, I wasn't going to let him smooth talk me into something. I knew too well what effect his words had on me, and I wasn't up for it now. I couldn't take anymore of this.

"What? First you don't speak to me for three weeks and now you want to know how I am all of the sudden?" I spat at him, I wasn't even trying to hide my frustration anymore.

He looked shocked, like he couldn't understand why I would be reacting this way. That only angered me further. Had he no idea what his behavior was doing to me? Could he be that clueless?

"Bella, please" He pleaded, looking alarmed. I ignored him, I couldn't stop the flood of words that was about to escape, and I didn't even want to. I needed to get them out, I needed to yell and cry and hit and sob, because everything was so wrong and it hurt so, so much.

"Please what? Huh, Edward? What do you want from me? First you leave me in the forest and break my heart, and then you come here and mess everything up! Making me sleep with you and then pretending like we can be friends, only to mess that up too by telling me all those things! I would have given EVERYTHING to hear you say those words before, Edward. I would have been yours in a heartbeat, I would have forgiven you for everything if you had come back to find me! But I can't do it now, I love you so much it hurts but it's not enough!" The tears were now streaming down my face, my whole body ached as I saw the expression in his eyes. He was hurting too, but he didn't speak.

_Take away the pain! Make it alright again, make me yours! _I screamed at him in my head, but he still wouldn't answer.

"What? You're suddenly quiet? No more dazzling? The great Edward Cullen is at a loss for words, who would have thought!" I half yelled, half sobbed, feeling almost hysterical. I was so angry at him that I didn't even care who heard me.

Edward still didn't speak, so I reached for my bag and stood up. I couldn't take his silence anymore.

"You didn't even try… I waited for you but you didn't care enough to try and speak to me."

His eyes widened further at my words, but I turned around to leave. I needed to be alone to think, to try and get myself together. How could he have this effect on me? Just two minutes in his presence and I was screaming and crying and hurting even more than I had during the three past weeks.

I tried to blink the tears away, and when I raised my eyes I froze.

No.

Oh god no.

This is not happening, let me wake up.

Please let me wake up.

"Bella?" Derek's voice reached me as I was locked in place, not even breathing.

"What is this? What's going on?"

Derek was here, he had heard… How much had he heard? What was he going to do? What was I going to do?

I couldn't find the words to answer him, I didn't even know if I would ever be able to speak again. What had I just done? Why couldn't I have kept my freaking mouth shut?

The look in his eyes told me everything I didn't want to know, everything I had feared since the day I had made that huge mistake.

I couldn't look at Derek anymore; I bent my head down and felt the teardrops trickling down my cheeks.

But not even now, facing my doom, could I really convince myself that being with Edward had been a mistake. _You sick, twisted, cruel human. _

"Derek, I think we should maybe go somewhere more private and talk." Edward said, and I was suddenly aware that he was still here.

"Bella, talk to me." Derek said, ignoring Edward. His voice was filled with pain and I felt a stab to my heart when the reality of the situation hit me with full force.

Looks like I wouldn't have to worry about how to broach the subject of my cheating after all, I'd managed it without even knowing what I was doing.

"Derek I… I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry" I whispered, my voice barley audible even to vampire ears.

"Let's go." His tone was suddenly cold and I jerked my head up in shock. His eyes were remote, and the expression on his face was like nothing I had ever seen before.

He looked like a vampire, dangerous and murderously angry as he stared with narrowed eyes right past me.

I didn't have to turn around to know that his gaze was directed at Edward.

"Bye" I murmured to Edward, and then forced my feet to move forward. I now understood how people on death roll felt when they were waiting to be brought to their execution.

"Both of you." Derek's voice startled me, if I had thought that it was cold before, it was nothing compared to now. The mix of anger, hurt and mistrust in his voice chilled me to the bone, I didn't even dare to look at him. In my peripheral vision I saw Edward walking closer, and then I heard the sound of Derek's footsteps as he turned and began walking away. Swallowing hard, I followed him without looking up.

I felt Edward walking beside me, and as always I could sense his eyes on me. He didn't touch me, and no matter how backwards the feeling was, I wanted him too. Or rather, needed him to, since his touch usually had a calming effect on me.

I shook my head slightly, what the hell was I thinking about? Geez, I was going insane.

I suddenly realized that I had no idea where we were heading, Derek was walking in the opposite direction from his house.

"Where are we going?" I asked in a small voice, I didn't really want to hear him answering me in that cold voice that sent shivers down my spine again, but I was confused.

"To your place. I don't want _him _in my house as you might understand." There was only anger in his voice now, and I shuddered, almost afraid of Derek for the first time ever. I would never have thought I would be afraid of him.

"Oh don't worry, _he _wouldn't set foot in your house anyway." Edward said, and I stared up at him in shock. What the hell? Weren't we in enough trouble as it was? Did he have to anger Derek further?

I heard a growl coming from Derek, and had to remind myself that hitting Edward would only cause me pain.

"Shut up Edward" I said instead, narrowing my eyes at him as he met my gaze.

He did, thankfully, and we reached my apartment in an odd, almost scary silence. I hadn't seen Derek's face since he had been walking ahead of me, but when he turned around, I was kind of glad I hadn't. Shock and hurt had been replaced by rage and hatred, and he glared at Edward with a look that would send a human running for the hills in fright.

I quickly grabbed my key from my pocket and opened the door, stepping in and then waiting for them to enter. Derek walked in first, followed by a furious looking Edward. Guess Derek's thoughts weren't so enjoyable for him right now.

That reminded me, I should probably tell Derek about Edwards gift, before this got any further. To be fair to him, or something.

Like I had ever been fair to him before? But I guess I should start somewhere.

"Uhm, Derek? There is something I think I should tell you about Edward, I think you have a right to know." I said, fidgeting with the sleeves of my shirt. With the door closed the atmosphere suddenly changed, and I was now hyper aware that I was alone in a room with two vampires. And that said vampires looked like they wanted nothing more than to rip each others heads off.

"What?" Derek almost spat at me, and I kept my eyes on the floor as dread and panic flowed through me. Oh god how was this going to end?

"I never told you this, but Edward has a gift too. Only his is that he can read minds. I just thought you should know that…" I trailed off, raising my head to gauge his expression.

Derek was staring at Edward with disbelief, his mouth half open. Edward on the other hand, raised an eyebrow and looked almost arrogant. I wanted to hit him again.

"Why didn't you ever tell me that?" Derek asked sharply.

I kept thinking that there were a lot of things I didn't tell him, but the longer I could avoid that subject the better.

"I don't know, it just never came up" I said weakly. I met Derek's eyes, and was surprised that they were not filled with hatred now that he was looking at me instead of Edward.

The room was silent for what felt like an eternity before Edward spoke. I jumped slightly, surprised that he would break the silence first.

"No" He said, and then continued. "I won't go away, not unless she tells me to."

I gathered that he had answered a question in Derek's thoughts, and saw Derek's eyes narrow as he glared at Edward. I wasn't quite sure, but I thought I heard Derek say "We'll just see about that" in a low voice before stalking of into the living room.

I glanced at Edward and saw that he was staring after Derek with uncontained loathing in his eyes. I braced myself and then followed Derek, sensing Edward walking behind me.

This was not going to be a pleasant conversation…

* * *

**So? Any thoughts? You know what reviews do to me :) I want to hear it ALL!**

**Check out the Outtake for this story, in my profile! It's a look inside Emmett's head after the popcorn scene, and let me tell you... He's up to go good! It's rated M for language!**


	16. Beyond Words

**A/N: (I don't own Twilight, just Derek Hawkins but that's enough for me)**

**Okay, since I know every single one of you are going to hate me at the end of this chapter, regardless if you're Team Studentvamp or Team Teachervamp, I just wanted to take the oppertunity to apologize in advance. **

**This chapter is split in three so that everyone will have a chance to speak their minds.**

_Chapter theme songs: _

_1. Ellie Goulding - Be mine!_

_2. RyanDan - Tears of an angel_

_3. Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah_

_I highly recomend listening to these songs while reading!_

* * *

**Chapter sixteen**

**Beyond words**

_It's a good thing, tears never show in the pouring rain_  
_As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain_

_And the cold wind is hitting my face and you're gone_  
_And you're walking away_  
_And I'm helpless sometimes_  
_Whishing is just no good_  
_Cause you don't see me like I wish you would_

_It's a cold thing you never know all the ways I tried_  
_It's a hard thing faking a smile when I feel like I'm falling apart inside_  
_And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head_  
_And I remember every word you said_

_And you never were, and you never will be mine_  
_No, you never were, and you never will be mine_

* * *

**Derek's point of view**

I turned around and looked at the woman I loved, the one I thought would never lie to me or betray me. I had never been close to anyone since the day I woke up as an immortal. My family had been killed by the vampire who had changed me, but for some reason that I would never learn, he chose to let me live. If you could call it living, waking up in a room with your murdered family on the floor and learn that you had become a monster, just like the one who had killed them. And then realizing that you would live forever like this, a creature of the dark, without anyone to talk to, anyone to love or be loved by in return.

My family had been my life, my two little sisters were the most important things to me ever, I'd loved them unconditionally and always looked out for them and made sure that they would always have everything they needed. I had sworn to my mother and father the day my sisters were born, that I would do anything to protect them.

Failing my family was a pain I would carry with me for eternity. Seeing Sarah and Annie lifeless on the floor by my feet was a vision that would never go away, it had haunted me from the second I opened my eyes as a newborn. I remembered every detail from when I had looked around the room, seeing my mother's body lying in front of my sisters in a last attempt to save her daughters after the vampire had killed my father.

I had known from the moment I realized what I was, that I would never be able to kill a human.

Figuring out the new life I had been forced to live was so hard, I had always been surrounded by people I loved and now I was left all alone with no idea of what do to or how to live.

I tried killing myself so many times in the beginning, but when I realized I couldn't die I knew I had no choice but to adapt to this hell that I was now going to live in.

I hadn't fed after my transformation, I stayed away from humans and lived in the forest for three weeks, growing weaker by the hour. One day, I heard the sound of someone approaching me. I was now so weak and desperate that I could hardly contain my instinct to hunt and kill whoever it was.

Turned out it wasn't a human wandering around in the woods. It was another vampire, and his name was Jonathan. He was thoroughly shocked to see me, to put it lightly. He told me about his lifestyle, how he would only hunt animals and thereby was able to interact with humans as if he was one of them.

Meeting Jonathan was the turning point for me, he gave me hope that maybe I didn't need to be a monster because I could choose a different life.

Even though I learned to control my thirst for human blood over the years, I didn't really allow myself to interact too closely with them. That is, until Bella Swan walked into my life and turned everything upside down.

I had accepted the fact that I would never love another person again, that I would live alone even though I was surrounded by people during the days. It was hard for me, since I had grown up knowing nothing but love and commitment from my family.

But falling in love with Bella was easier than anything else I'd ever experienced, it was like I was meant to love her, like everything in my life had led up to the moment when I saw her. Despite my fears that I would hurt her, I knew that I would not be able to make myself stay away. And after hearing her speak of the man who had done just that, left her after telling her he loved her, I was even more sure I could never do something like that. I had to be with her, it wasn't an option, it was a necessity.

I had thought that she felt the same way about me, that she could never hurt me.

Being wrong had never hurt as much.

I turned around and met her eyes, she was hesitating in the doorway, biting her lip and looking as if she was in great pain. Even though I knew she had caused it herself, my body ached to hold her in my arms and comfort her, whispering soothing words in her ear.

She had such a strong hold on me, and that made the situation even more painful. I couldn't even hate her for what she had done, because I cared for her too much to ever feel anything but love for her.

However, the person standing behind her I did hate, and with a force that took me off guard. It was something I only felt for one other creature; the vampire who had killed my family. This Edward had hurt Bella so deeply, I had hated him from the moment she told me their story.

How could anyone be so cruel as to hurt someone like Bella? What kind of monster would break her that way?

And to find out that the man I hated with everything inside me had been in my presence for almost a month, and that I could have snapped his neck at any moment, if I had only known who he was? Torture. I wanted him dead, and the feeling surprised me. I had always considered myself and honest and reasonable man, but looking at the man who had hurt the woman I loved made me lust for the kill like I had never done before.

I saw Edward narrowing his eyes as he watched me, reading my thoughts. I hated his ability almost as much as I hated him. Knowing he heard everything that went through my head made the situation even worse.

"Explain." I said, turning my eyes to Bella. She fidgeted with her sleeves for a moment before walking over to the couch as sitting down. I watched her closely; she looked almost sickly pale, nothing like the healthy color that used to grace her skin. And there was something else, something I couldn't put my finger on that was different about her. Was it just that I was seeing her in a different light now that I knew what she had done? It seemed possible.

"No." Edward said, and I was confused for a minute, thinking he was saying no to me demanding an answer. But he wasn't watching me, he was watching Bella.

"There is something different. Are you alright Bella?" He continued, and I realized that he had answered the question in my head instead of what I had said out loud. I wanted to scream at him, telling him that he had no right to even look at her let alone speak to her like he cared.

I heard a low growl coming from him, but he didn't turn his gaze away from Bella.

"I'm okay, just a little nauseous I think. Can't we all sit?" Her voice was weak, and I was instantly worried. I was still beyond furious at both of them, but if Bella was sick that was my first priority, nothing would change that.

"Are you sure? You look pale, baby." I didn't miss the angry glare Edward gave me, but it didn't bother me the slightest.

"I'm fine. Derek we need to talk, please sit?" I did as she asked, sitting down in the couch next to her. Edward didn't sit, instead he leaned against the wall, watching us.

"I don't know what to say…Just that I am so, so sorry. I never meant for this to happen, I never wanted to hurt you Derek, please know that." Bella was looking me in the eyes the entire time, and the tears were streaming down her face as she spoke with a trembling voice.

I waited, not sure if I could answer her just yet.

"When I saw Edward that day, I panicked. I don't know how to explain it, I was just so shocked that he was there after all that time, it messed up everything. "

As she continued to tell me about what had happened between them I felt my ager rise to an almost unbearable degree. I would never have thought that she was even capable of treating me this way, I couldn't have imagined her ever hurting me.

I guessed this was what you got when you loved someone and thought them to be without any flaws. But through my rage, I still couldn't bring myself to feel anger towards Bella. I blamed Edward, who had destroyed her in an unimaginable amount of ways when he left. She couldn't be blamed for her actions when he was the one who had made all the decisions, how could I expect her to be thinking rationally when her world had been turned up side down once more by the monster who had scarred her so deeply?

"Bella, I- "I began, but when I met her eyes I trailed off. She wasn't looking at me, instead she was clutching her stomach and looked like she was going to be sick.

"I'm sorry, I think I have to go to the bathroom" She choked, and then held on hand over her mouth as she darted out of the room.

I followed, and couldn't even bother being annoyed that Edward gotten to the bathroom before I did. Bella crouched down over the toilet and immediately started throwing up, while Edward held her hair.

Her heart was beating erratically, it sounded strange and not at all healthy. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water and a towel, then returned to see that Bella had stopped throwing up just as quickly as it had begun.

She sat up straight with tears trickling down her cheeks but she looked a bit less pale now. I walked over and handed her the glass, sitting down on the floor beside her. Edward was still holding her hair and my eyes narrowed slightly as I saw that he was stroking her back softly.

"Here, try and drink some, honey" I said and she obeyed without hesitating, taking 3 sips before putting the glass down on the floor. I reached forward and wiped her mouth carefully, then took her hand in mine. She shook her head as if to clear it, and blinked a few times.

"I'm so sorry you had to see that, both of you. I don't know what that was, but I'm feeling much better now. Guess it was stress or something…" She trailed of self-consciously, glancing at me.

"Bella, my first concern will always be your health, you know that." I said, looking her straight in the eye. "Do you want to lay down for a bit?"

"No, I'm fine now, really."

"You don't have to act, Bella. If you're not feeling well we want to know." It felt strange and not good at all to have Edward refer to him and me as 'we', but I couldn't argue.

"I'm not acting, I'm better, I promise. Let's go back to the living room." She began to stand, and I took her hand to give her support.

I helped her sit down on the couch again, and she actually did look better now. She eyed me warily, biting her lip and fidgeting with her sleeves again.

"Please Derek, say something. Anything at all, yell at me if you want, just tell me what you're thinking." I sighed, not really knowing where to begin.

"I'm hurt, Bella. I never thought you would do something like this to me, but I do not blame you." I said, and she looked confused. Before she could speak I held up a hand to stop her.

"Let me finish, please." I paused, and after a glance at Edward who was standing in his previous spot by the wall with a blank expression on his face, I continued. "I'm not blaming you, because I heard everything you told me about what you felt for Edward. I knew before I made the decision that I wanted to be with you what I was getting myself in to. I knew that you had loved someone else before me, and that you still did. The knowledge that you might never love me the way you had loved him was there from the beginning, but it didn't make me love you any less. In fact it made me admire you even more, knowing that you had loved and lost, but was still willing to give love another chance. It gave me hope that you might be able to heal one day, if I did everything right. And Bella I tried, I tried so hard to give you everything I thought you needed. I never wanted to push you or to put you in a situation you weren't comfortable with; I respect you too much to ever do something like that."

I had to stop then to gather my thoughts, I closed my eyes and took in a large breath before asking her the question that had been tormenting me from the moment I had overheard their conversation.

"Was it my fault? Did I not give you what you needed?" My usually steady voice faltered, and I couldn't look at her as I spoke.

I heard movement and opened my eyes just as Bella threw her arms around me, burying her face in the crook between my neck and shoulder. Her tears were hot on my skin, and I felt her body trembling with her sobs.

"Don't ever think that, Derek. Never blame yourself for what I did, you have been nothing but kind to me, you have given me so much more than I ever thought I would have again." Her words were distorted as she was crying hard and pressing her head against me, and her arms tightened around me.

I hugged her back, stroking her hair and tried to calm her by whispering soothing words in her ear. I couldn't stand seeing her cry, no matter what the reason was.

After a few minutes she had calmed down slightly, and I looked up to see Edward watching us from across the room; his jaw tight and eyes narrowed.

I knew I needed to speak with him alone, the things I was going to tell him was not something Bella should hear.

"Baby, are you okay?" I whispered, kissing her hair gently.

"Yes… Sorry for attacking you, I just couldn't stand for you to think something like that Derek, it would kill me if you thought that you had any blame in this."

"It's alright, Bella, I know, I know…" I helped her sit up straight and tried to decide how to best tell her that I wanted to speak with Edward in private.

I looked at him, and though his jaw was still clenched and he looked rather furious, he nodded in agreement to my thoughts.

"Bella, if you're feeling well enough I'm sure that Alice would love for you to spend some time with her." He said, and I could hear the strain in his voice.

Bella looked at him, confused, and then back at me.

"What? Now? No, I won't leave you two alone." She protested, and I reached out to take her hand in mine, squeezing it lightly.

"Don't worry honey, we'll behave. I just want to talk to Edward about some things, okay?"

She glanced suspiciously from me to Edward, obviously not pleased with the situation.

Probably realizing that she didn't have much say in the matter, she gave in. "You'll stay here, though, will you? And call me as soon as you're finished with whatever vampire stuff you have going on?"

I nodded and gave her a weak smile, and then her phone started ringing. She picked it up from her jacket pocked and looked at the screen.

"Alice" She said, and answered. "Hi Alice, um, I guess I know why you're calling. Meet you outside the school in 20?" I heard Alice agree and then Bella hung up, turning to me.

"I don't like this at all, Derek. Please promise me that you'll just talk? I couldn't live with myself if anything hap-" I shook my head and cut her off, needing to reassure her.

"Bella I promise, we will just talk."

She bit her lip and nodded slightly, still not entirely convinced. Before she could stand up I reached over and kissed her softly on the lips for the briefest second, I felt her tense slightly but she didn't pull away.

A loud growl from across the room made it clear that Edward was anything but pleased with our little exchange, but for once I thought 'screw being a gentleman'. The man had slept with my girlfriend after all, so he deserved nothing but the hell I was going to give him.

I stood up when Bella did, and gave her hand one last squeeze before letting her go. She walked over to Edward and I almost lost it when he bent down and kissed her cheek.

Bella flushed and quickly walked out of the apartment, glancing over her shoulder once before closing the door.

My eyes turned to Edward, and now that Bella was out of the room it was filled with an almost tangible hostile atmosphere.

I raised an eyebrow at him, taking one step in his direction.

"So, Mr. Masen, how are we going to work this one out without me ripping your head off?"

* * *

Cover my eyes, cover my ears  
Tell me these words are a lie  
It can't be true, that I'm loosing you  
The sun cannot fall from the sky

Can you hear heaven cry, the tears of an angel?

Stop every clock  
the stars are in shock  
The river would run to the sea

I won't let you fly, I won't say goodbye  
I won't let you slip away from me

Can you hear heaven cry, the tears of an angel?

So hold on, be strong  
every day, hope will grow  
I'm here, don't you fear  
Little one, don't let go

**Edward's point of view**

Derek stared menacingly at me, and his expression matched his thoughts perfectly.

I hadn't wanted Bella to leave, especially since she had just been feeling sick, but I could hear the anger he felt build up and didn't want Bella to be present if he snapped. Or if I did, whichever came first.

"Oh I've got a few ideas, and they all end with you realizing that Bella belongs with me and back off. How does that sound?" I said, deciding to cut the crap and skip directly to the case.

Derek smiled slightly, and I could hear him laughing in his head. "It sounds like you've not really caught up on the changes that has happened since you decided to throw away the best thing you'll ever have. You might not have realized it, but Bella isn't the same girl she was when she was with you. She's stronger now, and she won't buy your bullshit about 'wanting to protect her'." He said the last line with a tone of disgust and I clenched my fists, trying to control my anger.

"You have no idea what it took to make that decision, you will never be able to imagine what it's like knowing that the woman you love almost got killed because of you, and you know why?" I said, but didn't give him a chance to answer. "I'll tell you why, it's because you'll never feel the way about Bella that I do. I've understood that you apparently have some sort of extreme self control when it comes to resisting human blood, but imagine if you didn't? If the one person you loved the most was the one whose scent felt like it burned you alive each time you inhaled, could you risk her life because of your own need to be with her?" I had taken a step forward, my hands were in tight fists and I could feel the venom pool in my mouth as my muscles tensed for a fight. He didn't know what the hell he was talking about, and if I had to beat it into him to make him understand, I would do so gladly.

I heard the question in Derek's thoughts at the same time as he asked it out loud. "So why are you here then? If you don't trust yourself to be safe, why should I allow you to be anywhere near her?"

"Firstly, it's not your decision whether or not I'm allowed in Bella's life and secondly, I'm here because I love her and I know now that there is no way I could ever hurt her. That possibility doesn't exist any more, and I've realized that it never actually did."

"That's where you're wrong, Edward. You did hurt her, and you're continuing to hurt her by being here and destroying the life she has managed to rebuild for herself. You never saw the way she was before she started to turn her life around, you never experienced how she would almost break down every time she would hear music playing, or how she woke up night after night screaming and crying until she realized whatever she had dreamt of was just that, a dream. Or shall I say nightmare, since I'm pretty sure they were all about you and your betrayal."

He might as well have punched me in the gut, the pain that came with his words knocked the breath out of me. Of course I had known, to some extent, what Bella had gone through, but having it pointed out to me by the man I regarded as being my worst enemy? It made it hurt even more.

"That's right, you did that to her. You took advantage of a young, beautiful girl and made her life into a living hell, simply because you felt like you couldn't handle the situation you had put both of you in. You left her with a crappy lie after promising her you'd always be there, without even letting her have a say in the matter. Does it make you feel good, making decisions about someone else's life like that? Powerful even, perhaps? Do you think you're the only one with all the answers and therefore don't even have to take the time to consider the 'what if's'?"

I didn't even think as I crouched down into a hunting position, baring my teeth and preparing to strike. A growl erupted from my chest, I was no longer concerned with keeping up a human façade, this man had pushed me over the edge and there would be consequences.

Derek matched my stance, his eyes turned black as he as well prepared for a fight.

Just as I was about to launch at him, two things happened at once.

My phone started ringing in my pocket, and I caught the panicked thoughts of a man not too far from where I was. He had just realized that he had run a red light and wasn't going to be able to stop in time.

"No…" I whispered, as I looked through the man's eyes and saw the frightened expression of the girl who was frozen in the middle of the street, watching the car skidding towards her without slowing down.

The girl's eyes widened and she threw her hands up in an instinctual attempt to protect herself, and then the scene went back.

I was out of the apartment and on the street before a second had passed, racing to where I had seen the vision take place. It felt like the world had stopped existing as I realized that I was too late. I heard the horrified screams from the crowd that had already started to gather around the place where the black SUV had now finally stopped, and I saw the man's terrified expression as he stared at the scene in front of him through his windshield. People were on their phones, speaking in rushed voices while others simply stood frozen, staring at the ground a few feet from the SUV.

None of this mattered, I pushed people aside as I ran through the crowd to get to the front, all the while praying against hope that the face I had seen in the man's thoughts was not hers. When I shoved the last person out of my way I stopped cold, sinking to my knees in front of her. It felt like I had had my heart ripped out of my body, like everything inside of me was gone. The sight of her, laying broken on the ground tore my insides apart, and filled me with the darkest sorrow any human or vampire had ever felt.

"Bella" The word was barely a whisper. I reached my hand out to take hers, noticing in my peripheral vision all the blood flow from the scars that were covering her skin, but only really seeing her face. I heard the sirens in the distance, but all I could focus on was her heartbeats that seemed to grow fainter with every passing second. I stroked her hand and spoke to her in a low voice, begging her to stay with me.

Derek suddenly appeared beside me, and together we watched as the paramedics that had now arrived began to try and save the life of the woman we both loved.

* * *

Well I heard there was a secret chord  
that David played and it pleased the Lord  
But you don't really care for music, do ya?  
Well it goes like this :  
The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift  
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above  
But all I've ever learned from love  
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya  
And it's not a cry that you hear at night  
It's not somebody who's seen the light  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

**Bella's point of view**

I had left my apartment unwillingly with a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. And not just from the strange ache that I had been experiencing all day, but from the worry that Derek and Edward wouldn't keep their promise.

As I walked towards the school I had to fight with myself with every step I took. Part of me wanted to go back and make sure that nothing bad was going to happen, but I knew that they needed to talk privately and it wasn't like I could stop them from ever meeting when I wasn't around.

I sighed as I stood and waited for the red light to turn so I could cross the street, and thought about how things were going to go from here on now that the truth was out.

I suddenly felt something similar to a stab in my stomach, and thought for a minute that I would be sick again. I pressed my hand to where I had felt the pain and was confused when I realized that my usually flat stomach felt slightly…bigger. That was strange, I thought, as I had been eating next to nothing ever since Edward came back. Stress and food wasn't a good combination for me, so I would have thought that I had dropped a few pounds at least.

I shook my head, I didn't really have the energy to try and figure out the strange ways the body worked in.

The light turned green and I forced myself to keep walking further away from where I wanted to be.

They lie in the movies you know. They make you think that you'll be able to perceive all kinds of things just before something bad happens, when in reality, life doesn't turn into slow motion just so that you'll have time to make out insignificant details.

All I saw when I turned my head in direction to where the loud screeching noise came from was a pair of wide, panicked eyes. I didn't blink, and the next second the front of the car made impact with my body, and I lost consciousness.

* * *

**I know, I really am evil, aren't I? Shame on me. And shame on you if you don't leave me a review telling me exactly how much you want to strangle me right now!**

**And also, I've posted an outtake from this story called 'Emmett on the line' so if you're in the mood to laugh after this rather depressing chapter, head over to my profile and read it (it's rated M for language)! I've also posted chapter 3 on my all human story 'Dancing in the dark'. (rated M)**


	17. To Lose

**A/N: I don't own Twilight, just Derek Hawkins. **

**So this update came quickly, mostly because I had already written the first part of the chapter almost 2 months ago. It took a lot to write this in a way that I was satisfied with, I don't think I've ever listened to so many sad songs before.. It's the music that inspires me to write, as soon as I've found a song that goes with the current chapter, it becomes much easier. **

**I hope that the emotions come across the way I meant them to, and that you will understand why things happened the way they did.**

_Chapter theme song: Opeth - To bid you farwell_

_(I was originally planning to use RyanDan's 'Tears of an angel' for this one, but it ended up in the previous chapter instead. But I think it actually fits this one better. Listen to it, you won't regret it)_

****

I'm gonna shut up now and let you read.

* * *

**Chapter seventeen**

**To lose**

_I am awaiting the sunrise  
Gazing modestly through the coldest morning_

I stand motionless  
In a parade of falling rain  
Your voice I cannot hear  
As I am falling again

_Devotion eludes  
And in sadness I lumber  
In my own ashes I am standing without a soul  
We walked into the night  
_

_Am I to bid you farewell?  
When every tear I shed  
Is for you_

**Bella's point of view**

My hearing was the first of my senses that came back to me. Somewhere near me I could hear a regular beeping from some kind of monitor. I concentrated on that sound, counting the beeps in my head.

After 248 beeps, I tried to open my eyes very slowly. My lids wouldn't open more than so that I got a glimpse of light. Even that little movement was tiring, and I closed my eyes again and concentrated on the sound instead.

I must have drifted off, because when I was came to I could hear a faint murmur of voices around me. Someone places a cool hand on my forehead, it felt good against my somewhat heated skin.

I tried to make out what the people were saying, but their words blurred together and made no sense at all. So I let myself drift again, welcoming the dark, calm dreams.

"She will be waking up in 3 minutes Carlisle, I'm going to go and let the others know."

I was surprised that I was able to make out what the voice was saying now, and even more surprised over what I had heard. Would I be waking up now? I knew the voice, it belonged to Alice and she sounded confident. I tried to move my fingers and was pleased to find that they all responded as they used to. Next, I struggled to open my eyes again. The light was not as strong now, and I got them all the way up. My vision was blurred at first, but after I blinked a few times I began to make out the contour of the room. Of course, I had already figured out that I was in a hospital, the beeping noise that had brought me back was from the monitor that tracked my heartbeats.

"Bella? Can you hear me?" Carlisle calm voice reached me, and I slowly turned my head in the direction his voice had come from. The movement hurt, and I winced slightly.

"Don't move, just blink once if you can hear me Bella."

I blinked.

"Good. Can you feel this?" He said, and then I felt pressure against each of my fingers, one after the other.

I blinked each time.

"That's very good Bella. Your injuries are healing just fine, your body just needs some time to recover but when you do, you will be as good as new." His voice was relieved and very affectionate. I could hear him breathe a sigh of relief.

"I'm going to let you sleep a little bit now, I will be back to check on you soon, is that alright?" He asked.

I blinked once and managed to squeeze his fingers with the lightest pressure.

"I'm so glad you're alright Bella. I couldn't stand having to lose you again, neither of us could." I heard the smile in his voice, and tried to find the muscles in my face to smile back. I don't know if I succeeded.

I was so exhausted that I feel asleep again before Carlisle had even left the room.

The next time I woke up, I felt slightly better. I carefully tried to use different muscles in my body to see that they were all working. When I was certain that they did, I opened my eyes.

The room was darker now, it was probably late in the evening. A lamp on my bed stand table spread a warm light, and I could see that the clock on the wall was 8.45.

What day was it? How long had I been asleep? Where were Derek and Edward? What had happened during the time I'd been out?

A light knock on the door brought my attention back to where I was. I turned my head and found that the movement didn't hurt anymore.

Carlisle walked in the room and smiled when he saw that I was awake.

"You look better Bella, how do you feel? Can you speak?" He asked and sat down next to me. I didn't know if I could speak, but I opened my mouth to try.

"Carlisle…" My voice was very low and cracked but I had gotten the word out. I cleared my throat carefully and tried again.

"What happened?" I looked at him, and he looked at me with worry in his eyes.

"You had an accident, Bella. You were hit by a car when you crossed the street, the driver of the car had dozed off and didn't see the red light. That was 4 days ago now, you have been asleep almost the whole time.

Four days? I tried to wrap my head around it.

"Where are Derek and Edward? Are they still here?" My voice was slightly higher now, I was anxious to see them and to know what had happened between them after I had left the apartment.

"They are still here, yes. And so are Alice, Esmee and Emmet, they are all in the waiting room down the hall." He still had that worried expression in his eyes, and I knew instinctually that there was something he wasn't telling me.

"Carlisle, are they alright? There is something you're not telling me, please don't do that to me. What happened?" I managed to keep my voice steady and looked at him fiercely. He was going to confess what it was that was bothering him, he owed me that.

Carlisle looked down on his hands, seeming unsure of what he was going to say. I had never seen him struggle for words like this, it made me even more anxious.

"Bella… I am so sorry to have to tell you this, but your accident… It was bad, really bad and you…" He drew in a large breath and looked my in the eyes.

"Bella, you lost your baby." He paused. "Did you know that you were pregnant?"

I stopped breathing. Everything in the world stopped existing, there was nothing left. No, this was not happening, he was lying to me for some reason. Pregnant? How could I be pregnant? How was it even possible?

A baby… My baby.

And then the whole world came crashing down. I cried out in agony, it felt like someone had cut out everything inside of me, leaving nothing but a painful void that threatened to consume me.

My scream was so loud that I felt a scorching pain in my throat, I clutched my hands to my face so hard that my nails penetrated my skin. Nothing mattered, nothing in the world mattered other than what I had lost.

Why? Why did this happen, how could I live through this? My heart ached so bad that I wanted to rip it out to stop the pain, but I knew that nothing could stop it. Nothing could bring my baby back to me. Gone… Forever gone.

Before I knew what was happening, Edward appeared at my side and without a word, he lay down next to me and held me close while my cries grew louder. He tucked my head under his chin and wrapped his arms around me so tightly that it almost would have hurt if the pain I felt inside hadn't overshadowed everything else.

I heard the door close as Carlisle left the room, and my cries finally died out as I pressed my face to Edward's chest, clenching my jaw shut and closing my eyes. The tears kept streaming down my cheeks, I didn't think they would ever end.

Edward's body shook with the sobs his body wouldn't allow him to shed, and I felt his lips press against my hair.

We didn't speak, there were no words for this. Nothing could be said to make anything better, nothing could turn back time and give us our baby back.

How could you hurt so much from losing someone you hadn't even met? Someone you hadn't known existed? It sounded impossible, but there had never been anything more true than the pain I felt right now.

I held on to Edward tightly as if he was the only thing keeping me on this earth, and as time slowly passed, I eventually fell into a restless sleep.

I woke up screaming after what could have been minutes or days, I didn't know the difference anymore. The sweat ran from my forehead in beads, the memory of my nightmare still strong in my head.

I realized that I was still in Edward's arms, but I couldn't feel the coldness of his body because of the covers. I lay on my side and Edward lay behind me, his right arm was around my waist and as my scream began to fade he tightened his grip, pulling me closer to him.

"Shhhh, Bella, I'm here, I'm here." Edward chanted, and hearing his voice so weak and distorted was like a painful stab to my heart. I turned around so that I was facing him and he pulled me to him so that my head was once more resting on his chest.

I tried to quiet my sobs so that I could speak, but it took several minutes before I was able to force the words out.

"It hurts so much Edward, I can't take the pain anymore." I choked out, closing my eyes tightly as a wave of sorrow washed through me, leaving me hollow in its passing.

"I know, love. But you're not alone, I'll never leave you and we'll…" I heard him take a large breath before continuing, his voice trembling. "We'll get through this together Bella, you and me, I'll always be here." I heard the naked truth in his words and clung to them like they were a lifeline, the only thing I could ever hope to get me through this agony.

"I miss how you would hold me close, like you'd never let go" My own voice was just as frail as his, and he hugged me tighter, kissing my forehead. The coldness of his lips felt like ice against my overheated skin, and I pushed the covers so that he was also laying under them. The thin material of the hospital gown I was wearing allowed me to feel the cold contours of his body, and I pressed myself so close that almost every part of my body was in contact with his.

"I promise you that I won't let you go ever again Bella." Edward's lips found mine then, and they joined together in a way that I had never felt before. It wasn't the careful kisses we had shared 3 years ago, and it wasn't like the desperate way we had reunited this time around. His lips barely touched mine but in that moment, they held the commitment of forever.

"Never let go" I whispered, reaching out to take his hand. Then the darkness overtook me once again, and I fell asleep with Edward's hand safely in mine.

The next time I woke up it was by a gentle kiss to the palm of my hand. I opened my eyes slowly, blinking against the bright light that almost blinded me. Once my eyes had adjusted themselves I turned my head hesitantly, careful not to make any kind of movement that would hurt my aching neck. I guess that's what you get for sleeping with your head on a vampires chest all night, but it didn't matter, I would take that kind of pain a hundred times.

"You awake?" Edward whispered, and kissed my hand again. I didn't know if I could speak, so I nodded my head and turned my head up to look at him.

His eyes were almost black, but not only the kind of black that came from hunger, but the dark color of loss and pain. His whole expression spoke of heartbreak and sorrow beyond what any human could ever feel, and I realized in that moment that what he felt was probably the only thing that could ever be worse than what I was going through.

Edward had lived through thinking he lost me, not knowing if I would survive. And then he had found out that he had lost a baby he never thought he would have, a baby that was ours.

He had lived for over 90 years believing that having a child was impossible for him, and then to learn that it wasn't, but that he had lost it? I couldn't imagine a more excruciating feeling than that.

"Carlisle is going to come in here soon, do you want me to leave so that you could speak to him privately?" Edward's soft voice called me back to the present, and I immediately clutched his hand tighter.

"No" I managed to say. "Don't leave, I want you here." I needed him, he was the only thing that allowed me to keep my sanity at this point.

"Okay, I'll stay then. I will do anything for you, Bella, just ask."

I nodded and tried to fight the tears that threatened to spill. With the light of a new day everything came back to me, I was no longer shielded from the pain by the darkness of sleep. I trailed the hand that wasn't in Edward's down to my stomach, touching it softly through the fabric.

"Does it hurt?" He asked, and I knew his question was about physical pain. He wouldn't need to ask to know how I was feeling emotionally.

"No… Not like pain, more like…" I sighed and tried to blink the tears away. "It's more like an absence, like I can feel the void of what should have been there."

I heard Edward's ragged intake of breath, and I turned my whole body around so that we both lay on our sides, facing each other.

"I don't understand how this could happen, Edward. I never thought that we'd be able to…" I couldn't say the words, and I know I didn't need to. Edward understood.

"Neither did I, Bella… I had no idea that it was possible for us, no one I know has ever heard about something like this happening." He swallowed hard and then looked me deep in the eyes. "I am so, so sorry. I will never be able to forgive myself Bella, but I'm praying that someday, you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

I didn't understand what he was saying, it sounded like he was taking the blame for what had happened, but that couldn't be right, could it? How could he ever think such a thing?

"Edward what are you talking about? Forgive you for what?" I asked, confused.

He looked at me questionly, seeming just as confused as I felt.

"For everything, Bella, for not knowing what could happen if we were together, for not fighting harder for you, for letting you leave the apartment that day. And before that, for leaving you all those years ago and for not trying to find you, for thinking I had the right to make the decision if you were safe with me or not, for hurting you so badly…" He had spoken so fast that I had to strain to keep up, and all the while I grew more and more worried. Did he really think I blamed him for my accident? For losing our child?

"No! Edward stop that, you're wrong! I don't hold you responsible for anything that has happened, you can't ever think that!" I said urgently, looking him in the eyes intently. "And as for leaving…" I breathed in deeply, struggling to find the words I needed him to hear. "I know why you did the things you did and though I still don't understand how you could possibly think I would be better off without you, I can see your side and I can't blame you for decision, because I know that it was made out of love."

"I never meant to hurt you Bella, all I ever wanted was to protect you and yet I failed so miserably…"

"You did what you thought was right Edward, but no one has all the answers."

"I know that now, I will never make that mistake again."

We were silent then, just looking into each others eyes. I didn't know where things would go from here, I couldn't think about that right now. It wasn't like the situation we had all been in before the accident was solved, there was still a heart that was going to be broken because of me. Could I be with Edward after everything that had happened? I needed him desperately now, but how would I feel once I had left the hospital and had time and space to think through things? I loved Derek just as much today as I always had, nothing had changed there and I was still stuck in the middle between to right's.

_I need to get away for a while._

The thought came to me out of nowhere but I immediately knew it was the right decision to make. To be able to process everything, I needed to distance myself from it so that I could allow myself the time to heal and figure out what to do.

_But where do I go?_

Carlisle entered the room then and Edward stood up, still holding my hand in his. He hadn't let it go for one second since I woke up in the middle of the night, just like I had asked him to.

"How are you feeling Bella?" Carlisle said in a gentle voice.

"I don't know, better I guess." Of course, this was only the physical part I was referring to, but I knew that not even Carlisle had the power to heal the scars in my aching heart, they would always be there from now on.

"Have you experienced any abdominal pains?" He asked and began checking all the different machines I was hooked up to, scribbling on a chart as he went.

I looked over at Edward for a second before answering, his jaw was clenched tight as he watched Carlisle. "No, I haven't." My voice was barely audible, but he heard me.

"That's good, it means you're healing fine. Your values are improving, but you still need to stay here for at least a week before it is safe for you to leave. But if you continue to recover like you have been doing, I'm confident that there won't be any complications." He put down the chart and sat carefully on the side of the bed, his expression was filled with sadness despite his optimistic words.

"Bella, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how the situation you are in must feel, but I want you to know that you can always come to me whenever you need, okay? We will all be here to support you, as long as you want us to be." Carlisle reached out and stroked my hair with a sad smile on his lips, and I could see the sorrow in his eyes so clearly.

_We had all lost. _

"Thank you, Carlisle, it means a lot to me that you're all here." I tried to return his smile, but I don't think I managed.

"You're family, Bella. You will always be like a daughter to me, no matter what decisions you make, remember that." I nodded, trying to convey with my eyes the things I couldn't put in words.

Carlisle stood then and raised an eyebrow at Edward in a silent question. I saw Edward stiffen, but he briefly shook his head yes.

"I'll come back later to check on you again, please don't hesitate to call if there is anything you need, I'll be just down the hall from here." Carlisle said as he walked over to the door, giving me a small smile before opening the door and stepping out.

I looked up to Edward and his face was still in a tight mask, like he was trying to conceal what he was feeling about what Carlisle had said to him. I squeezed his hand lightly. "Hey? Are you okay Edward?" I asked, and his expression relaxed slightly.

"There is someone who wants to see you." He said, a bit tentative. I realized who he meant immediately of course, I had expected that Derek would still be here.

"Would you mind telling him he can come in?" I watched as Edward tried to keep whatever he was feeling in check, but I knew him to well to fall for it. "Edward, please. I need to speak to him alone for a while, and then if it's okay I'd like to speak to you both at the same time. Could you do that for me?" I breathed out in relief when he nodded, and stroked the back of his hand with my thumb.

"Do you want him to come now, or do you want a minute alone first?" His voice was softer now, and I felt myself relax further.

"I think…Yes, I would like a minute first, thank you Edward." This time I'm pretty sure I managed to smile, but it felt strange and a bit forced still.

Edward leaned forward and pressed his lips to my forehead, I closed my eyes and let myself feel comforted by his touch. He pressed his forehead against mine then, so that our faces were only inches apart.

"I love you." He whispered, and then he released my hand and disappeared out the door before I had time to blink.

I immediately felt the stinging sense of loss where his hand had been, but clutched my fist together and tried to focus. I had so much to try to figure out, and I didn't know where I should begin.

I closed my eyes and rolled over to my side, pulling my legs up to my chest and held them there, trying to keep from falling apart as I felt the nothingness begin to claw through me.

I gasped, feeling the void in me grow stronger as I allowed myself to think of what I had lost, what could have been and what I would never have again.

* * *

**Thank you to everyone who has reviewed & faved this story, it means more to me than I can ever say! I would like to ask those of you who are reading without commenting to please, please, please just leave a little word or two! There are so many people who only read stories that has a lot of reviews, so if you like this one and want to help me reach out to others you could do so by commenting. Every word I get brightens my day!**

**I'm curious to if there were any tears after reading this? I sure cried a LOT while writing it...**

**(Don't forget to check out 'Emmett on the line' on my profile!)**


	18. Escape

**A/N: I don't own Twilight, just Derek Hawkins. **

**So we're getting really close to the end of this story. Just this chapter and one more, then it's finished. Feels strange, but right, somehow. It's time to make a choise! (oh how appropriate, considering Eclipse comes out in 9 days!)**

**For this chapter I have worked with a beta, the best one! Seriously don't know how you guys read it before, but I'm glad you did ;) HUGE thank you to BAfan! (go check out her stories too!)**

_Chapter themesong: David Usher - Black Black heart_

_(amazing song!)_

* * *

**Chapter eighteen**

**Escape**

_All these blessings all these burns_  
_I'm godless underneath your cover_  
_Search for pleasure search for pain_  
_In this world now I am undying_  
_I unfurl my flag my nation helpless_

_Black black heart why would you offer more_  
_Why would you make it easier on me to satisfy_  
_I'm on fire I'm rotting to the core_

_As I begin to lose my grip_  
_On these realities you're sending_  
_Covers lie and we will bend and borrow_  
_With the coming sign_  
_The tide will take the sea will rise and time will rape._

I must have fallen asleep at some point, because when I woke up the room was dark so I gathered that I'd obviously been out for a while.

I felt bad instantly, knowing that Derek must have been here hoping to speak to me and I was asleep. Looking around the room, I noticed the huge amount of flowers set in vases gracing almost every flat surface, and realized that Alice must have been here. The air smelled wonderfully of freesias and lilac blossom and I inhaled deeply, filling my lungs with the floral scent.

I looked at the clock and saw that it was already 9 pm. I felt disoriented, I had no idea what day it was or anything. I lay still for a while longer, the silence of the room only interrupted by the beeping of the monitors. Was itonly yesterday that I had been counting the beeps trying to make it back to consciousness again? It seemed like forever, yet nothing had changed. There was still a hole in my heart, a missing piece that had been lost the moment I learned the truth about the consequences of my accident. I tried to think about signs, had there been any? A three week pregnancy shouldn't really have been showing yet, but hadn't I been feeling sick that day? I had noticed how my stomach seemed to have grown, and I remembered that stabbing pain just before I had walked out into the street, I had never felt anything like that before.

Then there was the question I had been going over and over in my mind ever since Carlisle had uttered the words. How was it possible that Edward and I had created a child? Vampires couldn't have children, they were frozen in the same state they had been when they transformed from mortal to immortal. So how could this have happened?

Out of nowhere I suddenly remembered a small part of trivia, picked up from god knows where. I had read that Charlie Chaplin had been in his early seventies when he fathered his last child, and that thought got me thinking. Could it be that no one knew that vampires could have children, because no female vampire was able to carry them? Their bodies couldn't adjust the way necessary for a pregnancy, but the men… Even human men stayed pretty much the same all their lives, so was it possible that the reason no one knew vampires could have children was because of the females?

I had to speak to Carlisle about this at some point, but I felt like it was a plausible explanation.

Just then the door creaked open slowly and the bright light shining in from the corridor momentarily blinded me, I had to blink a few times before my eyes adjusted and I could see who it was standing in the doorway. Once my eyes took in the visitor's appearance I sat up a little too quickly in my bed, causing me to feel slightly dizzy.

"Dad!" I called out, my voice filled with love and warmth as I saw my father's face. In an instant Charlie was by my side, throwing his arms around me and holding me tight while I rested my head on his shoulder, crying once more.

"Oh honey, I would have been here much earlier but I was camping with the guys and none of us had any service on our phones so I didn't get Derek's messages until yesterday."Bella, I'm sorry," Charlie mumbled with his face in my hair. I felt his whole body tremble, and pulled back to look in his eyes, seeing the tears streaming down his face, matching my own.

"Dad it's okay, I understand." I swallowed hard, trying to choke back the sobs. "I'm just so glad you're here." My voice was low and weak but I think he heard me. Charlie stroked my cheek with the back of his hand and sat down in the chair beside the bed, never once taking his eyes off mine.

"Your mom is on her way. She was in Spain when Derek called her and couldn't get a flight until this morning, but she'll be here soon." I nodded, feeling grateful to Derek that he had been the one to contact my parents. I couldn't imagine how hard it must have been for him to tell them what had happened. And where was he? Edward had told him that I wanted to see him, hadn't he?

Charlie and I sat in silence for a while, none of us had the words to say right then so we stayed quiet while Charlie held my hand and tried to blink away his tears. I don't think I'd ever seen my father cry before, it was such a heartbreaking sight and I wanted to be able to comfort him. However, I was in no shape to be offering comfort to someone else, not when I still felt the pain from my loss clawing inside me.

I don't know how long we sat there, saying nothing but at the same time everything. It was that way with Charlie, so much more could be said in a silence than in speech. We both jumped slightly when there was a light knock on the door and after a few seconds it opened, revealing a dark silhouette standing in the doorway.

Things happened very quickly then, I barely had time to make out who it was entering my room before Charlie flew from his chair and darted towards the door.

"YOU!" Charlie screamed, and I was shocked by the amount of rage and hatred in his voice as he stopped one inch from the person I now saw was Edward, standing frozen in place.

"How dare you show your face here after everything you have done! How dare you even look at her! You stay away from my daughter, you monster, or I'll hunt you down and wring your neck, you hear me? Stay the hell away!"

I panicked, hearing Charlie scream like that and seeing him clench his fist as if he was going to hit Edward in the face. I began to shout at him in fear, knowing that if Charlie hit him he would break his hand, or worse.

Out of nowhere Derek suddenly appeared and stepped in between Edward and Charlie, who kept on screaming profanities at Edward and tried to get around Derek.

"Charlie, calm down. Please, for Bella's sake, let's not do this here!" Derek's calm voice seemed to have effect on my dad, because he instantly lowered the fist he had been waving in Edward's direction, and turned his head toward me.

When he saw my horror-struck expression he took a step back, unclenching his fists and taking one deep breath.

"You're right Derek," Charlie said, a little breathlessly. "I'm so sorry Bella, you shouldn't have seen that." He looked apologetic as he walked towards me again, the distress still there in his eyes.

I leaned back against the pillows, my heartbeats still a bit quicker than normal as I tried to breathe right. I had been so close to jumping out of my bed to try and stop the catastrophe from happening, which wouldn't have worked anyway as I was hooked up with all kinds of needled and tubes that I had chosen to ignore when I first saw them. They were too scary to think about for someone like me.

The scene before me was unsettling, Charlie was still glaring at Edward, though he seemed to have calmed down slightly. Derek was still standing in front of Edward in a way that one could have interpreted as protective if one would not have known the background to all this mess. He face was so marred with sadness and hurt that I instantly wanted to hold him close and try to take his pain away, I never wanted to see Derek that way, it made me feel even worse.

Edward wore a cautious expression, probably reading Charlie's thoughts to see if he would try to attack him again. I wondered how they hadn't run in to each other earlier, but realized that Charlie must have just arrived. His thoughts had most likely been too focused on his worry about me to warn Edward about a possible outburst if they were to meet.

I noticed for the first time, when seeing Edward and Derek standing so close to each other, the differences between them that I had not noticed before. I had been so desperate from the beginning to find any similarities to Edward in Derek, I had deliberately been tormenting myself with searching for details in his appearance that I could link to Edward.

But now when I saw them both at the same time, though they both were wearing matching expressions of stress and anxiety, the features that separated them were the most prominent ones.

Derek was taller than Edward, only by a few inches, but his height combined with the fact that he was more muscularly built made a noticeable difference, he looked at least five years older. _He could have been Edward's big brother._ I immediately discarded that thought, it was too strange to think about.

Both of them had the same pale skin of course, and the golden eyes that marked them for what they were. But that was pretty much where the similarities ended.

Derek's hair was chocolate brown, a colour not so different from my own. It was shorter than Edwards, and his features were those of a man, well defined and masculine, with his strong jaw and straight nose.

Edward's bronze coloured hair was in its standard disarray, or perhaps even more tousled than usual. His face was visibly younger than Derek's, though the evident pain in his features made him look older. I suddenly remembered the fact that I was now older than Edward, and with three years no less. For a moment I thought back to my eighteenth birthday, trying not to cringe at the memory of that fateful day. My biggest fear back then had been that I was going to be older than Edward, a fret that felt so childish and stupid now.

What did it matter if I was physically older than either of them? Love wasn't in a number, and I finally understood what Edward had meant when he had spoken about how my age didn't matter to him. I would love just the same the day I turned thirty as I did now, the years wouldn't weaken my feelings, but they would strengthen them.

I shook my head slightly, trying to come back to the present.

"It's okay. Just don't…Don't be angry with Edward, dad. You don't know the whole story." I saw Derek's face fall as I spoke, and instantly wished I hadn't said that last part. How much did Charlie know, anyway? Had Derek told him that it had been Edward's baby? I supposed that Carlisle had been the one to tell Derek in the first place, and I was selfishly thankful I hadn't been there for that conversation. I couldn't imagine the pain Derek had been forced to stand once he had found out and I didn't want to think about it, because it would make me break down right there, and I needed to stay focused.

"Um, Dad, Edward? Could I have a moment alone with Derek? And could you please not be in the same room as each other in the meantime?" Just as I spoke, Carlisle turned up in the doorway. He cast an eye at Edward, who nodded, and then walked over to Charlie and extended his hand.

Apparently Charlie wasn't angry at the entire Cullen family, because he shook Carlisle's hand and seemed to calm down further in the presence of the ever composed doctor.

"Charlie," Carlisle said with a friendly smile. "It's good to see you again, though I'm sad it's under these circumstances. I was wondering if you would like to join me in my office so that I can fill you in on Bella's condition?" He looked over to me then. "If that is alright with you, Bella?"

"Yes, of course Carlisle." Relief washed through me, at least now I could have a little time before I would be forced to deal with the Charlie/Edward situation.

Charlie nodded, but was obviously not pleased that he wouldn't have a chance to yell at Edward some more. I mouthed 'thank you' to Carlisle as he followed my dad out the door. So now I was left with just two vampires in the room, instead of three vampires and one exceptionally angry human father. You'd think it would be less awkward, but that certainly wasn't the case.

"Edward, do you mind?" I asked, my voice pleading. God how I hated being in the middle like this, I couldn't stand seeing them both so hurt because of me.

Edward nodded stiffly, then he turned and left the room. I felt a stab of remorse when I saw his face, but I needed to speak to Derek now. Once we were alone and the door was closed, Derek walked over to me and hesitantly sat down on the side of my bed.

"How are you?" He asked softly, reaching out to take my hand in his.

"I'm coping, I think."

"Do you need anything?" I shook my head and squeezed his hand gently, giving him a small smile. "You've already done so much for me, Derek, I wanted to thank you for being the one to contact my parents, it means a lot to me that you did and I know it couldn't have been easy for you."

"I'd do anything for you, you know that ,Bella," he said, and looked down on our hands.

We were quiet then, neither of us really sure what to say next. After a while Derek inhaled deeply and turned his gaze to me. "I am so sorry for your loss Bella. I know I can't ever make everything right again, but if I could, I would. I should have stepped down the minute I realized who Edward was. I shouldn't have dragged you from the school yard, I shouldn't have said the things I did and god…" He paused to steady himself before continuing. "I should never have let you leave… If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for me, none of this would have hap-"

"No, Derek, don't do this." I cut him off, I couldn't take it if he too began to blame himself for the things that were not his fault, when in fact if there was anyone to blame it would be me. Neither Derek or Edward had done anything wrong, it was I who had let things get so out of control.

"You can't blame yourself for this, you simply can't. I was the one who made all the decisions, so I am the only one responsible," I continued, looking him straight in the eyes. I could see that he didn't agree, so I kept talking so he wouldn't have a chance to object.

"I am the one who should be apologizing. I lied to you and I cheated on you when you have done nothing but helped me and loved me. I am such a miserable excuse for a human, I hate myself for all the things I have put you through. You deserve someone who would never hurt you the way I have done, someone who never made the kind of mistakes I did." My voice was trembling and I felt so ashamed of my actions, I averted my eyes so I didn't have to see the look in his eyes as I went on. "I know I don't deserve to have you in my life after everything that has happened, and I understand if you never want to see me again."

It was quiet for a few minutes before Derek spoke again. "What are you saying, Bella? Have you not already chosen to be with Edward?"

My eyes shot up at his words, and I saw the open confusion in his face. _He thought I wanted to speak to him to tell him I had made my choice, that I had chosen Edward._

"Derek, I could never decide on that in the state I'm in right now. I'm such a mess, I don't know half of what I'm feeling and I'm in no place to make that kind of decision now." I inhaled shakily, preparing to tell him my plans. I had made up my mind that I would allow myself time before I sat down and thought all this through, I wanted to make sure that I was one hundred percent certain when I made my choice. Breaking the heart of someone I loved was not something I could do just like that, I had to be fair to both myself and those involved.

"I understand if this is too much to ask, and I don't expect that either of you will wait while I figure things out. God knows I've put you through enough already, but I've decided… I'm going away for a while."

Derek didn't seem surprised at all, instead he nodded and actually gave me a small smile. "Of course Bella, I kind of thought you would want some time to yourself. All I ask is…" He trailed of, sighing heavily and seemingly struggling with his next words. "Will you tell me? When you have made your choice I mean, will you let me know if you chose him so that I will know?"

He looked so young and so very frail, like just one word could break him. I pulled on his hand and he lay down beside me, still holding my hand in his. His body was so familiar, I remembered all the nights when I had fallen asleep in his arms, feeling so safe and loved by this wonderful man. I snuggled into the crook of his neck and spoke with my lips against his marble skin.

"I promise." And I knew that that was all I could promise him, I didn't have any other answers.

Much later, after we had both stayed silent for hours and just listened to the sound of my heartbeats, I heard Derek humming to himself in his wonderful melodic voice. I listened to the soft flow of his gentle voice and eventually fell asleep, lulled by his calm melody into a dreamless sleep.

"Bella! Oh god, Bella, I'm so glad you're alright!"

I was woken up by a high, panicked female voice that I immediately recognized as my mom's. I opened my eyes groggily and tried to get my vision to focus, I had to blink a few times but eventually my moms face became clear.

"Mom!" I called, a warm feeling spreading through me as Renée opened her arms and hugged me tightly to her.

"Oh honey I'm so sorry I couldn't get here earlier, there was some stupid strike going on among the airplane pilots in Spain so I couldn't leave!" She rambled, stroking my hair and smelling so strongly of mom and home and love and warmth that I felt my eyes tear up again. I hadn't seen her in so long, not since she came to Forks two years ago to try and get me to move back to Florida with her. I had been catatonic then, and now I was in a hospital bed after getting hit by a car and losing… I stopped my trail of thoughts there, the pain of thinking about it was still too much.

"I can't believe Edward actually arranged for me to get here on his family's private plane, it was beyond generous."

Wait, what was that?

"Edward did _what_?" I asked, stunned.

"He heard about the strike so he had their own pilot fly to Spain and get me, can you believe it?"

Well, I guess I kind of could. "That was very nice of them" I said, and then I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. "I've missed you, mom, so much." I sobbed against her shirt and she pulled back slightly, tears in her eyes as she wiped mine away with a soft brush of her finger over my cheeks.

"I've missed you too, sweetie." Her voice was weak in a way I had never heard before, it sounded unsteady. "I can't even begin to…" She took a deep breath. "Bella I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for what you have had to go through. To lose a child… I can't imagine the pain you're feeling now."

"Mom, please, can we…Can we just talk about something else? Anything? I can't think about it now, I'll fall into pieces and I can't take it yet. I need time before I can talk, I'm sorry." I looked at her, begging her with my eyes to not say anything more.

"Of course, honey. Whatever you need, I'm here." She spoke softly, taking my hand and kissing it gently, then she sat down and smiled weakly at me.

"I met Derek, he was down the hall talking to Charlie. They seem to get along well, though I barely stopped to speak with them before I ran here."

"How did they look?" I asked, a little worried about the fact that Derek had left my room but I was glad that he was keeping Charlie company, I hoped it meant he hadn't walked out on me yet.

"They looked alright, a bit worn but okay." She seemed to remember something painful then, I could see her wince slightly as she gazed towards the door.

"What's wrong?" I asked nervously. Renée shook her head in a distressed manner, looking back at me as she spoke. "It's Edward, honey." I immediately sat up straight, terrified. Renée patted my hand softly as if she was trying to calm me. "What do you mean? What about Edward, what's wrong? Is he okay?" I asked frantically, unthinkingly starting to get off the bed to search for him.

Renée pushed me back gently. "Shhhh, Bella it's okay, calm down. Edward's still here, in fact he's sitting on the floor outside your room." She said and I exhaled in a gush, leaning back.

"I didn't think people were allowed to sit on the floor, but I guess Carlisle gave him some kind of special permit or something."

"Mom, what did you mean about something being wrong with Edward? Is he hurt?" I wanted an answer from her or I was going to check on him myself.

"He isn't hurt, not physically at least. But honey, his expression… It was so filled with anguish, I've never seen anyone in so much pain. He looks like his whole world has come crashing down on him, the look in his eyes was heartbreaking."

Her concern for Edward was obvious as she spoke, and I couldn't help but to feel grateful that she hadn't reacted to him the way Charlie had. Renée would wait to hear the full story before passing judgement, that's who she was. I swallowed hard, thinking about how Edward was doing. He had appeared so brave, holding me and trying to comfort me when he too was hurting.

"Don't worry honey, I'm sure he'll be alright. You'll both be."

I widened my eyes in shock, realizing what she had just said. So she knew then?

As in she had read my mind she continued. "Yes, sweetie, I know that Edward was the…" Then she trailed off, not needing to explain further.

"How?" I asked in a choked voice.

"Bella, anyone would know just by looking at him," she said, and I understood. I had seen Edward's face before and the bottomless torment there had been unmistakable.

"But I wouldn't mind getting the whole story about what has happened, if you feel strong enough for it?" I bit down on my lip, not sure how to answer. But I realized that telling her would probably be good for me, I needed to talk about it all with someone and Renée had always been very insightful about life and all that it included.

Aware that Edward was on the other side of the wall and would hear my every word, I launched into a slightly altered version of what had happened. Renée listened attentively as I spoke, nodding then and there, smiling sympathetically and patting my hand reassuringly a few times.

When I finally finished I was exhausted, despite the fact that it was only midday and I had slept through the whole night and well into the morning. My mom could see that I was spent, so she told me that she would go and get some coffee and let me rest.

The room was quiet when she left, and I closed my eyes to try and gather my thoughts. I knew that I would have to deal with Charlie later, and I wasn't looking forward to trying to explain the Edward situation to him. It had to be done though and I figured I would keep mom close so that she could reason with him if I failed.

And then there was the going away part. I was sure that it was what I needed, but a side of me still argued that I shouldn't. But I couldn't make a fair decision if I stayed, I knew that.

Going away was the only solution, though I kept thinking I should bring someone with me, just in case I would have a sudden breakdown or something. I couldn't bring my mom, since there was too much of all of this that included a supernatural aspect. So that would leave-

"Bella! I would love to come, you don't even have to ask. I've already booked our tickets so as soon as you're allowed to leave, which will be in 5 days, you and I are going to Paris!"

I opened my eyes to see Alice standing in the doorway, smiling brightly at me as she jumped up and down. Edward stood behind her and though he didn't look as cheerful as Alice, his expression was less haunted now. Whatever Alice had seen us doing in Paris was obviously something he approved of.

"Paris?" I asked, smiling faintly as I raised one eyebrow at Alice.

"Vive la France!" she exclaimed and then darted to my side, flopping down on my bed while rambling on about expensive designer clothes and shoes and all the other stuff you could buy in France. I was grateful that she didn't tip toe around me, instead she was her usual happy self, and it felt good to have her there. It was impossible to think of bad things when Alice was around.

I cast a smile in Edward's direction and relaxed a bit when he gave me a tentative crooked smile back. He walked over to us and sat down on the other side of the bed, taking my hand carefully in his. He kept playing with my fingers and stroking my skin as Alice spoke, and I did my best to concentrate on what she was saying despite the distraction of Edward's soft touch.

Our eyes met and he nodded slightly, reassuring me that things were going to be okay. I squeezed his hand and then turned my attention to Alice, who was going over all the things we had to pack before our trip. I exhaled deeply and relaxed back against the pillows, feeling for the first time that I might be able to survive all this. I would have time, I would have space and I would have Alice.

_So I guess we were going to France._

* * *

**Ah! How will this end? I'm just as curious as you are! No, I'm kidding, I've made my choise. Hope you'll see why I did it the way I did...**

**So, how many of you are going to see the midnight showing of Eclipse? I sure am! Can't wait!**

**For those of you who haven't yet, go read the outtake for this story on my profile, 'Emmett on the line'! And have a look at 'Dancing in the dark' if you are above 18 ;) The next chapter of that story will be up today or tomorrow! (swedish time, hehe)**

**Thanks for reading, and as always, it's your reviews that keeps me writing! (seriously, they are like a drug to me! Like Bella to Edward no less!)**

**upd. Um, have I lost you guys? I've had over 200 readers but so few reviews, it kind of makes me sad. Was it that bad or just not worth a comment? (yes, I feel like whining. I get zero motivation when there's no feedback.)**


	19. Choice

**A/N: S. Meyer owns Twilight. **

**So this is it. Last chapter. I won't write a long essay here, I'll save that for the end instead ;)**

**HUGE thank you to BAFan, who has helped me once again! She has done amazing work!**

_Chapter theme song: James Morrison - Love is hard_

* * *

**Chapter nineteen**

**Choice**

I see lovers in the streets walking,  
without a care.  
They wear it out loud  
like there's something in the air

And it kicks so hard,  
it breaks your bones.  
Cuts so deep  
it hits your soul.  
Tears your skin and  
makes your blood flow.  
It's better that you know,  
That love is hard.

Love takes hostages,  
gives them pain.  
gives someone the power to  
hurt you again and again

Love is hard

If it was easy,  
it wouldn't mean nothing tough.

_**Seven months later.**_

"Bella? Are you ready yet? The taxi will be here in five minutes!"

I tore my eyes away from the book I was reading, looking at the clock in panic. How could it be 8:00 already? I guess I'd gotten lost in an alternate universe yet again, and Alice would not be happy with me.

"Coming!" I called, jumping off the bed and throwing the book back on the nightstand table. I darted to my ridiculously huge walk-in closet, quickly grabbed one of the twenty dresses Alice had bought for me and pulled it on in a hurry. When I stepped out, still trying to get the zipper up, I walked straight into Alice's stone-hard form.

"Ouch, Alice! A little warning would have been nice," I complained, rubbing my shoulder, which had taken the biggest blow. Alice just rolled her eyes at me and sighed, looking me over with a slightly disapproving expression.

"Bella, we're going dancing, not sightseeing. Wear something else, that dress is too plain."

"But, you bought it, Alice!" I've never understood Alice's obsession with clothes. I thought the black, long-sleeved dress I had on looked pretty nice.

"Oh, Bella, when will you ever learn? We're in France, which means we have to dress exceptionally well. It also means that you have to understand which clothes are appropriate for different occasions," she scolded, walking past me into the closet and digging through a couple of the shopping bags I hadn't bothered to unpack yet. I heard her mutter "No respect for Prada, no respect for Gucci, definitely no respect for poor Oscar de la Renta," while she ransacked the bags.

I didn't even argue. I just stripped off the dress I'd gotten halfway on and then waited, arms outstretched, for her to play Barbie with me.

Four minutes later I was wearing a creamy white dress and raspberry red shoes I couldn't walk in, and holding a bag that was way too small to actually be called a bag. I fidgeted uncomfortably with the hem of my dress as I waited for Alice to get in the cab so I could follow. I was pretty sure my underwear was showing, no matter how much Alice denied it. I really should learn to put my foot down, but at the same time I had come such a long way since we first arrived here and I was grateful to Alice for everything she'd done for me.

After the time at the hospital back in Rochester, I had spent a few days with my mom and dad before Alice and I left for France. There had been a lot of difficult conversations to get through, but we had parted on a good note. I'd explained to them that everything with Edward had been a misunderstanding; and after seeing him day after day at the hospital, when he was looking more like a ghost than a living being, Charlie had begun to ease up on him. That didn't mean he was happy that Edward was back - not at all.

Charlie had taken a liking to Derek since he first met him on my 20th birthday, and he never missed an opportunity to talk about what a great man Derek was. Though I agreed with him wholeheartedly, I sometimes was tempted to tell him about the fact that Derek had been my teacher when we first started dating, just to see how he would react. I would never do it of course; some things are better kept in the dark. Especially since I was no longer Derek's student, so it didn't really matter anyway. I had decided to quit school; there was no way I could go back there after everything that had happened. I would start again at some point, but not yet.

It was strange how my parents had bonded with either Edward or Derek. It was sometimes almost comical, the ways they would try to convince me that their respective protégé was the best choice for me. Renée had stayed in Rochester for a while after I left, and she and Edward had apparently spent a lot of time together before she went back to Florida. I had mixed feelings about that at first, but eventually I decided that if they liked each other's company, it was okay with me. I felt bad for leaving Edward so soon after everything that had happened, so if my mom could be there for him I was grateful.

Emmett, of course, couldn't miss out on the opportunity to make fun of the whole situation, and would send me texts regularly, saying that my mom and Edward were dating or that Edward had realised that he wanted an older version of me. I loved Emmett to death still, and he was the one I would call if I wanted to know what was going on at home. He, if anyone, could always make me smile, and he effortlessly took the pressure off me, telling me to take my time and that vampires had almost endless patience.

Of course he also couldn't help but remind me that I was growing older and crinklier by the minute, but I could now shake those kinds of comments off. If there was one thing I had realised after going through all this mess, it was that I was still very young and I needed to know who I was before I could make any decisions about my future. That was one of the reasons why Alice and I were still in France seven months after we had left. I was allowing myself to take things at a pace that suited me, so I could deal with the trauma I felt without having a time limit or someone watching over my shoulder, waiting for me to decide what I wanted.

I had learned so much about myself during this time, and when I looked back on the time when Edward had walked back into my life, I could see all the errors of my actions. I had been so desperate to hold on to him, terrified that I would be put through the same hell again if he were to leave me. And in my fear and confusion I had made every mistake possible, though at the time I had seen no other option but the path I had chosen to take.

What I should have done was to tell Derek from the start about who Edward was and what he still meant to me, because honesty really is the only way to make a relationship work. I should have asked for time right then, and not allowed the situation to grow into what it became because of my lack of honesty. But I tried not to dwell on the past, because it did no good. No matter how much I wished things had gone differently, nothing could change the decisions I had made. All I could do now was to try and make the future the best it could be.

Alice had had a hard time being around me in the beginning; she said that my wavering gave her a headache. After hearing that, I had decided that I would not think so much about the choice that lay before me and would simply let myself feel. If Jasper had been here, I guess he had been the one with a headache.

We were living in a beautiful house in a town called Arcachon on the west coast. Alice had wanted us to stay in the capital city, Paris, at first, to have better access to all the luxury stores she planned on visiting frequently. But we had compromised because I wanted to stay somewhere quieter and closer to nature, and once Alice found this house, she had agreed immediately.

The house was located right by the sea; we had our own private beach and a lovely garden. When I first saw it, I was almost blown away by how big the estate was. A stone wall surrounded the house, and white iron gates opened to a breathtaking view of the garden in front of the house. I had walked up the path to the front door, trying to take everything in. The sight was magnificent. There were exotic trees and bushes, flowers growing in beautiful patterns along the edges of the lawn, and a short stairway that led up to a patio surrounding the house. I'd walked up the steps, mouth and eyes wide in amazement, while Alice dragged me by the hand towards the back, where a huge veranda stretched out behind the house. I had leaned against the white fence and looked out over the wonderful scenery before me.

Only one hundred yards away stretched the ocean, glittering in a million colours in the setting sun. I remembered that I had smiled for the first time at the extraordinary view, and a sense of calm had washed over me as I stood on the veranda, taking in the wonderful scents that hung in the air, watching the sunset and feeling the warm breeze from the ocean hitting my skin.

The inside of the house was equally spectacular. Smooth, wooden floors, creamy white walls and the finest furniture all made the feeling of extravagance stronger. It was too big for only two people, but I loved it too much to even bother telling Alice that. It wouldn't really have mattered how the interior looked; I had fallen in love when I had first laid eyes on the garden.

I took one last glance at our house before I joined Alice in the cab, smiling as I thought of how the seasons had changed since we arrived. It looked just as stunning now, when summer turned into fall, as it had when spring had become summer. The colours were different, but the beauty was just the same.

"Come on, girl, get in here! I want to check out that club we walked past yesterday, and we should go to La Rouge afterwards!" Alice called, impatience clear in her voice as she waved at me to hurry.

I laughed at her enthusiasm, fighting the urge to roll my eyes as I got in the cab and closed the door.

"You're awfully pushy, Alice. You do remember that it is in fact _my_ birthday we're celebrating?" I scolded her. She gave me an angelic smile.

"Well, technically, your birthday's not until tomorrow, so I get to call all the shots today. Besides, I know you want to go as much as I do!" she sang, clapping her hands together as the cabdriver started down the road.

I loved the whole area where we lived. It was not in the centre of the town, which meant there were much fewer people living here. The houses were all grand, though none of them quite measured up to ours, and on either side of the street grew tall trees, creating what almost felt like a tunnel, except that the evening sun filtered through the leaves.

The sun would have set by the time we arrived at the city; Alice always planned our evenings out so that she would be able to show herself without wearing an obscene amount of clothes to cover her diamond-like skin. The summer had been a bit tricky, since the blazing sun didn't allow Alice to spend much time with me while I went sightseeing around town during the day. We made up for it by staying out almost every night, walking through the beautiful city that was Arcachon, and exploring every little part of it until we knew all the streets by heart.

Other days, when I wasn't in town visiting museums or strolling around in one of the many beautiful parks, we would stay at home and spend hours in the garden or at our own beach. It was still shocking to me to see Alice's skin sparkle in the sun; I didn't think I would ever get used to that. I had a nice tan now from the many days I'd spent lying on the beach, reading or just enjoying the feel of the warm sun on my skin, and my hair had turned a shade lighter. When I lived in Arizona I hadn't really spent much time sunbathing like this, but now I couldn't get enough. I guess living in Washington for as long as I had had really made me desperate for some warmth.

"So, how do you wanna spend the day tomorrow? It will be cloudy so we can do just about anything!" she said, and then got a really excited expression on her face. "Wanna go shopping?"

I laughed at her hopeful tone. Alice would be Alice, after all. I knew she still wished that I would come around and start loving clothes the way she did, but she'd had no such luck this far.

"Actually, I would love to go to the marina again," I said, remembering the first day I'd gone there, almost four months ago now. There was a small, homey coffee shop there, and I really enjoyed sitting at one of the tables and watching all the boats come and go. The owner of the coffee shop was an old lady whom I had liked instantly. Her name was Melanie Duran, and she had moved here from England after her French mother passed away, leaving her the café. Melanie had told me all these captivating stories about the people she'd met over the years, and I found myself mesmerized at the things she had experienced in her life.

Melanie had lost her husband in a sailing accident twenty years ago, and she hadn't looked at another man since. He had been her one true love, the person she was meant to spend her whole life with. When he was gone, she felt like only half of her was left.

I had thought about how I had two great loves, both wanting to be with me and willing to do anything for me. No matter who I chose, I had an eternity of being with my love before me. When Melanie spoke of Marcel and how she wished she could have spent just a few more precious days with him, I felt almost sick about the way I had acted and for being there, across the world from the two men who anxiously waited for an answer from me.

I'd told Melanie about the situation I was in, leaving out some of the details, of course, but telling her how Edward had left and I had found Derek, how Edward had returned, and what had happened then. When I managed to work up the strength to tell her about the accident that caused me to lose the child I hadn't known I was carrying, she had comforted me, and it felt as though I'd just found a grandmother I'd never known I had.

Before I left the hospital back in Rochester, Carlisle had asked me if I wanted to know the details about what had happened when the car hit me. The way he had said it had made me aware that there had been something about the baby that he hadn't told me yet. I had been wondering how I could have gotten pregnant with Edward, but I hadn't really considered what effect it would have had on the baby that its father was not human. Carlisle confirmed what I had been thinking about how the females couldn't get pregnant but the males were able to father children, though he told me that he had been just as shocked as I was when he found out.

Apparently, the baby had been growing at a much quicker pace than human babies; at three weeks it was as developed as a twelve-week-old fetus. I often wondered, when I lay awake at night unable to sleep, what he or she would have been like, if life hadn't decided to step in and take my baby away from me. Carlisle believed that along with the rapid growth, or maybe because of it, there would have been other abnormalities we couldn't predict.

I would be lying if I said that the thought of trying again hadn't crossed my mind. It had, but only for a split second when I had been unable to control my erratic train of thoughts. The pain of my loss was still too strong, and the subject hurt even to just think about.

It got a bit easier after I talked to Melanie though. She had spent over an hour sitting with me in one of the booths, and I was surprised how uncomplicated it was to talk about everything that had happened with someone who was an outsider, and who wasn't biased in any way.

She'd told me her thoughts on the choice I had before me, but advised me not to make any decisions before I was absolutely certain of what I felt. She was right; I needed to wait until my mind had had time to work through all the drama of the past months. That first day when I had woken up at the hospital, I had felt like I would die if Edward wasn't with me. He was the link to the precious thing I had lost, and having him close was like having our child with me still. I had realized the extent of my confusion the next day, when I wanted nothing more than for Derek to be with me, because with him I could forget all the terrible things that had happened and start something new.

The months that followed were no different, I wavered back and forth, caught between past and present, not knowing which choice was right.

Alice agreed to go to the marina, probably to get a chance to check out all the little shops along the boardwalk - or perhaps she wanted to buy a sailing boat. You never knew with Alice.

After about thirty minutes we arrived outside the first club Alice wanted to try out. It was called Éclipse and was apparently _the_ place to be, judging by the long line of people waiting to get in. Alice grabbed my hand as we stepped out of the cab and dragged me towards the entrance, completely ignoring the queue. I stood behind her as she leaned up to whisper something in the bouncer's ear, and five seconds later he stepped aside and let us in. I didn't even bother asking what Alice had said to him. She always found a way to get what she wanted, especially when human males were involved.

The club was packed with people; I could hardly see the dance floor because of the massive crowd. Alice pulled me with her towards the bar and ordered me a drink, and a minute later I was sipping on a mojito, surveying the people around me until Alice said it was time to dance.

After three hours, two more cocktails, and countless ridiculous pick-up lines from flirtatious Frenchmen, I was ready to go home. Or at least go some place where it was possible to move one inch without stepping on someone's toes. After a bit of coaxing I got Alice to agree, and we left the club a few minutes past midnight.

We walked along the street in silence. I knew Alice was dying to wish me a happy birthday, but she wasn't sure how I would react. Even though aging wasn't as big a deal to me as it had been before, I supposed my birthday would always be a touchy subject for Alice. It was, after all, her husband who had started the events that led to where we now were, and I knew she felt guilty for what had happened, no matter how many times I tried to assure her that I had forgiven Jasper years ago.

We kept walking until reached the Arcachon Bridge, where I had spent many hours during the past months. Wooden benches placed along the pedestrian bridge provided a lovely view over both the river and the beautiful city.

Alice and I sat down at the same bench where I used to sit, and I let my fingers run gently over the different inscriptions in the wood. I had tried to figure out what some of them said, but although I had learned a great deal of French since we got here, some of it was still hard to interpret.

I was able to comprehend that most of them were declarations of love - it seemed to be a tradition in France to scribble your love for someone down wherever you went. I liked it; the thought that people wanted to write something like that for others to see was nice.

I saw in my peripheral vision that Alice was fidgeting with something in her purse, and turned to watch her, curious. "What are you doing?" I asked, trying to peek inside her bag.

She beamed at me, and I realized that she had been waiting for me to ask. "I have something for you, Bella. It's not big so don't even try to refuse it." She pulled out a little black satin box.

I laughed. "Are you proposing, Alice? Is there a ring in here?"

She rolled her eyes. "Just open it, will you?" I could tell she was trying to keep the excitement out of her voice, but it was there in her eyes. Alice loved giving me things - I'd never understood why - but during these past months she had really been spoiling me.

I took the little box from her hands, opening it carefully. Inside was a beautiful golden pendant, shaped like a ring. Along the edges ran an inscription that said_: __Fides, Spes et Caritas. _

"It means _faith, hope_ and _love_, in Latin. I thought the pendant was fitting, since the circle is supposed to symbolise eternity, and those three words are something you will always have to remember, whatever path you choose to take."

I picked up the pendant. It was attached to a gold chain and I put it in my palm to admire it. Alice was right; those words were truly something to remember. The necklace was wonderful, and the thought behind it made it even better.

"Can you help me put it on?" I asked her. She took it from me eagerly, a pleased smile on her face.

"You're actually accepting a gift just like that? Wow, I like this new side of you, Bella." Alice sounded both relieved and surprised.

I couldn't believe that she would think I would ever turn down something like that, but it showed me how difficult it must be to try to give me things. Perhaps I'd have to work on that.

"Thank you, Alice, I really love it. It's the best present you could have given me," I said, hugging her once she had fastened the necklace.

She laughed and hugged me back. "You're welcome, Bella, I'm so glad you like it." She paused, then added, "And happy birthday."

The next day, around 4:00 in the afternoon, I found myself sitting across the table from Melanie again, with a half-eaten sandwich and a cup of tea in front of me.

I don't think I've ever met anyone I connected with as fast or at the same level as I did with Melanie. Figures I would find that in a 68-year-old lady. I guess that whole "old soul" thing my mom used to go on about was actually true. It was so effortless to talk to Melanie and tell her everything I felt. She never judged me and never seemed appalled by any of the terrible mistakes I had made. Instead she gave me advice on how to learn to accept the things that weren't in my power to change. She told me that love could make anyone act irrationally, and considering the position I was in, it was no surprise that things had gotten out of hand.

"I sometimes feel like I simply ran away from everything, that it wasn't the right decision to come here. But I wanted to get away, to wait until things blew over so that I could find out what I wanted. But the thing is, it's not over. I guess I'm only now realizing that it's never going to be over," I said, running my fingers over the rim of the teacup. "No matter how much time passes, in the end I'm still going to break a heart - and I don't want to do it. It feels like it will kill me to do it."

Melanie reached out and took my hand in hers. "Bella, you did what you thought was best. Coming here wasn't a mistake; it was what you needed. Do you think you would have fared better if you had stayed at home? A heart would still have been broken, but this way you have allowed yourself the time to make sure that when it does break, you won't have to spend your life wondering if it was the right one. Love is never easy, and it's very rare that a love story with more than two people involved ends happily. I would actually say that it is impossible."

She gave my hand a light squeeze. "Even sorrow can be a source of strength, if we can overcome the paralyzing effect it has on us and resist the urge to blame ourselves. Right now it might feel like this is going to kill you, but it won't. When you make your decision, you will know that in the end, the one you chose is the man you truly belong with, because you will have turned down another great choice to be with him."

I nodded, feeling the tears well up. What she said was true, but the one whose heart would be broken would find no comfort in knowing that I hadn't thought we belonged together. Would Edward let me go? Would Derek accept my decision? I did not know the answer to that; I could only hope the one who would be left would try to understand.

"Bella, this is not your fault. You will never be able to predict everything life will throw your way; and even if you could, you can't always change the things that are going to happen. Hearts gets broken, lives gets taken away, and promises are betrayed; that's the way life has always worked. The only thing you can decide is how to survive it all to the best of your own abilities. You can choose to ignore the bad things in life, but they will still be there," she said, and I tried to swallow back my sobs.

It was time to stop running away now. I knew that.

Melanie smiled at me, "Wait just one second," she said, and got up and walked over to the register. I started picking at my sandwich, realizing that, sadly, our stay here in Arcachon was coming to an end.

I jumped slightly when Melanie returned to the table, placing a notebook in front of me. "Whenever you feel ready, write it all down. Write about all the things that you're thinking, all the things that will affect your decision in any way, the pros and the cons with each choice." She handed me a pen.

"And then?" I asked, looking at the blank pages before me.

"And then you throw it all away, and follow your heart."

When we were back at our house later that evening, I sat in front of the fireplace, looking down at what I had been writing in the notebook. All my fears, all my hopes and questions and uncertainties were there, and seeing them black on white was different from thinking them or even speaking them. I could touch them, and I could feel them. I traced the contours of my necklace, thinking about what it represented.

_Faith, hope and love, for all eternity._

When I thought about Derek, I felt extremely guilty. I had dragged him into this love triangle, and he had been hurt because of me. I loved him, and I missed him. I remembered all the time we had spent together, all those months when he had been by my side, helping me and teaching me how to love again. Derek was the reason I had finally been able to pick myself up again. He had healed a big part of me.

But he had not been able to fix every part, because the only one who could do that was the person who had broken me in the first place: Edward. Together we had shared the pain of our unspeakable loss, and he had stayed with me when I had asked him to. But no matter what had happened on his return, the scar from when he had left me was still there, and I didn't know if it would ever disappear. Could I ever trust him again?

The lies, the manipulation, the heartbreak, the loss of our child - would those memories ever fade, or would I only see those things whenever I looked at him? Maybe too many bad things had happened between us to ever allow us to be happy again. Maybe our story was over now.

But despite all this, I knew that if I had to pick the one I loved the most, Edward would win. He had taken my heart three years ago, and even though Derek had his own piece, it wasn't as big. Could I ever feel the same depth of emotion for Derek that I did for Edward? Maybe, but that was something only time would show.

I felt like I was torn between two sides of myself, because when I was with Derek, I wasn't the same Bella as I was with Edward. Derek and I had been perfect for each other from the start. Falling in love with him had been so effortless, and our relationship had continued that way up until Edward reappeared. We were very similar in many ways; we shared the same sense of humor, the same preferences when it came to movies and literature; and we could spend hours and hours talking and discussing subjects we were both interested in. He was my soulmate in that way. The love between us was nothing but pure, and I trusted him with all my heart.

Edward… Well, Edward was fire, Edward was intensity and Edward was a consuming love, to a degree that sometimes frightened me. The passion between us was almost touchable, and we had a bond that could not be explained. We never needed words to express our feelings about each other, because we were so deeply connected. Two souls in one…

But he had left me and broken all his promises, and his betrayal had left its mark.

Trust and love, or passion and love?

I tore out the pages, throwing them into the fire. Then I picked up my pen again, and this time I wrote two letters.

Without even realizing it, my heart had made its decision. It wasn't logic, it wasn't reason, but it was love, and it was meant to be.

* * *

_I read the letter again, for what could have been the hundredth time. The words were the same, of course, and each time I read the last sentences, I could feel part of me dying. She had made her choice, and it was not me. My first thought when I'd understood what she was telling me was that I was going to fight for her . . . that I couldn't let him win. She was mine! I loved her the most, and he would never be as good for her as I would. _

_But then I realized that she had chosen the person that she believed she belonged to, the one she thought loved her the most, the one she trusted would be best for her. And it hadn't been me. It would never be me. _

_I kept thinking about what this meant, what he had that I didn't. He had taken my reason for existing, the only light in a world of darkness. How could I live after losing her?_

_I looked at the last words, trying to comprehend how and why things had gone so terribly wrong. How I had lost the one thing I thought I would have forever. _

_**I love you. I will always love you. I am so sorry for the pain my decision will cause you. If there were any way I could save you from it, I would do it, no matter what the cost might be. You deserve happiness, but I can't be that for you anymore. It wouldn't be fair to you to try to go back to what we once had, because it could never be the same.**_

_**I hope that one day you will find someone who can give you the things I can't. That you will find it in your heart to forgive me for all the mistakes I've made, and that you will know it was never my intention for things to happen the way they did. **_

_**I will never forget all the moments we shared, and I will always treasure them. **_

_**You will forever own a part of me.**_

_**Bella. **_

_Maybe everyone ends up alone in the end. But losing her, the only one who's ever known who I really am, the only one who has ever touched my heart, the one who taught me how to love, was worse than any pain I had ever felt. _

_There had been no chance that all of us would come out of this unharmed. Someone had to lose. I just wished that someone hadn't been me. _

_I put the letter down, picking up the phone to make one final call. _

"_Yes, I would like a plane ticket to Amerigo Vespucci Airport." I paused. "Tonight."_

**The End.**

* * *

**Ehm. So, I guess I sould say I'm sorry first. **

**I'm sorry.**

**This was always the way the story was going to end, I wrote the last part many months ago. It's cruel, it really is. But where there are three people involved the way they are here, there can't really be a happily ever after. I wasn't about to pull a Stephenie Meyer and make one of them fall in love with someone's baby, cause that's just...wrong. (and kind of disturbing) There had to be a heartbreak, I knew that when I started this, and well.. When vampires are involved, the consequences are going to be more, drastic.**

**I left the end like that because I wasn't sure if I should really reveal who she chose. Maybe it's better that everyone can decide for themselves who it was there at the end? **

**But being me, I couldn't help writing an epilogue.. I don't know yet if I'll post it. It depends on you who reads this, I guess. **

**Do you want to know who she chose?**

**THANK YOU to all of my wonderful readers who comments, I love you guys, you're the reason I continue to write! **

**Big kiss to all my lovely friends from the twilight saga (dot) com who followed me here and keeps leaving me these amazing reviews, I'm seriously starting to become addicted to them!**

**If you're interested in reading more from me, I'm writing a few other stories as well. I kind of want to try every genre.**

**Dying Sun - **A story full of agony and heartbreak and everything in between. It's been posted before but I'm editing it now so it'll be better this time around, I promise! Tears are almost guaranteed.

**Dancing in the dark - **Lemony! A powerstruggle between Edward and Bella. I'm really enjoying writing this! All human!

**Three days with you - **This is probably the story I'm love the most, because I know where it's going and I can't wait for you to read it! For three days every summer, Bella gets to have Edward all for herself. The rest of the year they are seperated, living on diffrent sides of the country. Will they overcome all the obstacles life throws at them, and finally be together?

**Black Crow Island - **HORROR! And a really dry sense of humour, lol. Six friends on an Island, one by one the get murdered. But who is the killer? Is it one of them? Really excited about this one too! It's fun to write scary stuff.

**Inconvienient switch - **hehe, this is a little something about bored vampires who decides to start a competition. The goal is to annoy the hell out of each other. Do I need to say anything more? Emmett will get to shine in this one ;)

**I love love LOVE reviews, so if you like any of my stories, please tell me! Each time I get a review, I do a little happy dance!**

**Thank you for reading this story, and whatever thoughts you have about it, I would love to hear!**

**If only half of the people who reads this would comment, I'd get like 200 reviews every time.. Sigh.. ;)**

**Lisa**


	20. The Epilogue

**A/N: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. **

**Sorry for the wait, my beloved readers! This grew to be a hell of a lot longer than originally planned, but I hope you don't mind?**

**So.. Epilogue.. This really is the end, isn't is? Well, if I don't decide to write a sequel, that is.. ;) The thought is growing on me, but I'm not sure. I'll let you decide! **

**THANK YOU to BAfan, who has been my beta once again! She's great with words and has been a big help!**

_Chapter theme songs:_

_1. Jason Walker - Down_

_2. Eva Cassidy - Songbird_

_3. RyanDan - The Sun_

_(REALLY recomend listening to them..)_

**

* * *

**

**Epilogue.**

_I don't know where I'm at  
I'm standing at the back  
And I'm tired of waiting  
Waiting here in line, hoping that I'll find what I've been chasing._

_I shot for the sky  
I'm stuck on the ground  
So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down  
_

_I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?  
Never know why it's coming down, down, down.  
Oh I am going down, down, down  
Can't find another way around  
And I don't want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found._

* * *

The airport at night was crowded. There were people chattering everywhere, most of them in quiet voices and with exhausted expressions as they dragged their suitcases across the large, open space. In the distance I heard the sound of airplanes taking off, and behind me was a family with two small children, all of them wearing the same tired faces as they waited in line.

A hand suddenly grasped my arm; I had been too caught up in my inner turmoil to notice him coming up behind me. I turned, meeting his fierce gaze.

"Don't do it."

Where did he come from? How did he know? I narrowed my eyes at him, shrugging off his hand easily.

"Get away from me. I have nothing to say to you." The words were true. There was nothing more to be said, nothing more to do now that she had made her decision. And I'd be damned if I'd stand there, talking to the man who was the reason for my suffering. The reason I was now seeking my death.

"You haven't thought this through. Would you please listen to me for just one second?"

I looked around, and noticed that everyone was watching us. I imagine we were quite the sight to behold.

I stepped out of the line, walking ahead of him to a secluded area.

"What? What do you want? To torture me some more? Try to rip me apart further? I assure you, you've already done a hell of a job at that." I was a bit shocked that I was able to keep somewhat composed, seeing as I was literally falling apart inside. Perhaps it was the numbness that began to invade my mind that allowed me to still stand upright.

Whatever it was, I hoped it would remain. I'd rather be numb than feel the scorching pain that burned through me, destroying everything in its path.

"I want you to realize what you are doing, because I know you're not thinking clearly right now."

"It should have been me!" I spat, not caring about keeping my voice down. A man who was walking past us jumped slightly in shock, and when he caught my expression he hurriedly walked away.

"This will sound strange but… I know. In a way, you could be better for her than I can." He paused. "But she has decided, and she made the choice that she believes is the right one."

I couldn't believe he had admitted that, but I understood what he was saying. "You mean I would be better for her because she'd have a chance at a new start with me."

He nodded, and his jaw clenched.

"Then why don't you-" I began.

He cut me off. "Because I love her! I love her so much that it consumes me. No one else will ever understand the depth of my feelings for her, because no one else has gone through what I have. It has made me realize things, and I know now that I can't ever be without her."

"I can't either. So why are you here? You must realize what you would have done if it had been you."

"I would have wanted to do the same thing, but I would never have gone through with it." He looked pained now, like he was remembering something, or perhaps imagining what he would have felt if the situation had been reversed.

"Why not?" I asked.

He shook his head slightly. "Because I will never cause her that kind of pain again," he said, looking me straight in the eyes. "Don't you realize what it will do to her? Can you imagine her trying to live with your death on her conscience? She could never do it; it would destroy her."

"How am I supposed to live then? How can I ever forget her? You speak as if there is some other option, but there is no way for me to _not_ be with her."

I knew he was telling the truth, of course. I knew what it would do to her, but right now I wasn't a rational man. I was broken, my reason for living had been taken away from me and I had no way to go on without her. Wouldn't she want me to have peace, wherever that peace was found?

"There are other options, but I'm not saying it won't hurt, because pain is inevitable in the situation we're in."

I growled at him, "How dare you say 'we'? You don't have to feel any pain, you don't have to face eternity alone, thinking about how things could have been." I began to step around him, but he caught my arm in a steel grip. I knew that I would draw too much attention to us if I pulled away; people were already glancing our way.

"Don't you think I have to feel pain? Yes, I will be with the woman I love, but I will have to face eternity wondering if she's thinking about what could have been." He stood in front of me, anger and hopelessness clear in his face.

"Don't even try to compare what you're feeling to what I'm going through! You're not fooling me. You knew from the beginning who she would choose."

"I never knew what her decision would be; how could I? I saw how much she loves you, and if I had been a stronger man, maybe I could have stayed away and let her be happy with you. But I couldn't."

"Well, damn you then, and damn your weakness," I hissed.

"I am truly sorry that you were put in the middle of this, but I never had a choice. I have to be with her, it's the only way I can live."

I laughed weakly, "Yes, well, me too. And now that I can't, there is only one option." I snapped my arm out of his grasp, "Goodbye, Mr. Cullen."

"Don't do this, Derek," he said again. "If you love her the way you say you do, don't do this to her."

I walked a few steps, and then stopped, looking back at him. Taking one deep breath, I whispered, "Take care of her," and then I kept walking, not waiting for a response.

Once I had boarded the plane and found my seat, I leaned back, closing my eyes as another wave of pain swept through me. Live forever with this? How could I?

_For her,_ a voice inside my head said.

But how? How do you go on when you know that there is no going back? I had been pulled into this triangle drama without even knowing it existed at first, and then I had been ripped apart and spit out, left alone to try and pick up the pieces. But I couldn't possibly be whole again, not when such a big part of me was missing.

I had been sleepwalking through my existence until she came along – existing, but not really aware, my emotions rigidly controlled. Loving her brought me back to life.

Was this kind of heartbreak something time and space could ever heal? I thought about my family, and the pain I had suffered through when I had lost them. It hadn't lessened with time, but it had… it had become more bearable. The pain would never go away, but I had learned to live with it. I had chosen to try and live the kind of life my parents would have wanted me to, even though the hole their absence had left in me felt too deep to ever get through in the beginning.

Could I ever go back to how things were before I met her?

"_If you love her the way you say you do, don't do this to her." _His words echoed in my head, and the haze that had clouded my thoughts ever since I read her letter began to fade.

I loved her, so how could I hurt her this way? Was the pain I felt now worth causing her pain too?

No. I had already been so selfish, asking her to choose between me and him; I couldn't do it again.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and made my decision.

I would not put her through any more pain. I would not cause the woman I loved any more suffering; she'd already had enough of that to last a lifetime.

I would try to live with this, and hope that one day I wouldn't feel as though the pain from her absence would kill me. They say that time heals all wounds. I guess I would find out now if that's true.

In the back of my mind, I wondered if Edward had seen my resolve, if he had known that I would come around. A small part of me was sure that he wouldn't have let me walk away if he hadn't seen it, because no matter what I thought about him, I couldn't deny the fact that he loved Bella and I don't think he would have allowed me to hurt her that way. Regardless of his feelings towards me, he wouldn't have wanted me to kill myself.

"Can I offer you something to drink, sir?" A female voice interrupted my thoughts. I looked up and shook my head slightly, trying my best to give her a small smile.

She blushed, smiled a nervous smile, and turned to the next passenger.

I sat and watched her absentmindedly for a few minutes, thinking about how my life would be from now on. Can someone ever fall in love again after this kind of heartbreak?

I sighed, leaned back into my seat again and closed my eyes once more.

I decided that I would allow myself a vacation, and then go somewhere new and start teaching again.

Love would just have to wait.

* * *

_For you, there'll be no crying._  
_For you, the sun will be shining._  
_'Cause I feel that when I'm with you_  
_It's all right, I know it's all right._

_And the songbirds keep singing_  
_Like they know the score_

_And I love you, I love you, I love you_  
_Like never before_

_To you, I would give the world_  
_To you, I'd never be cold_  
_'Cause I feel that when I'm with you_  
_It's all right, I know it's all right._

* * *

The city was quiet. I hadn't seen anyone since I'd left my car by the street and walked here. In the distance I heard cheerful voices and thoughts from a group of people strolling along the sidewalk, laughing as they made their way through the dimly lit streets towards whatever their destination was. I listened for any other sound, but there was none.

I crossed a dark, abandoned playground. Images of an alternate life, conjured up by my subconscious, filled my mind when I passed a set of swings that were slowly swaying back and forth in the light breeze. I had tried to banish these types of thoughts, but it was impossible - the pain from our loss was still so near. I didn't know if it would get easier with time; I just hoped that being with Bella would help fill the void in my heart, the part that would have belonged to our child, and in a way, still did. Though instead of being a place of love, there was just blackness, and overwhelming pain.

These months without Bella had been the worst I'd ever experienced in my too-long life. Letting her go to Paris, watching her plane vanish into the gray clouds, carrying her away from me, was even more agonizing than it had been to walk away from her, because I didn't know if I would be the one she came back to. Surely the gods, if they exist, must have been laughing at the irony, for I'd finally realized exactly what I'd put Bella through when I left Forks, all those years ago.

The only reason I'd been able to let her go after the accident . . . after losing the baby neither one of us had even dreamed was possible . . . was because I knew it was what she needed. And, as always, only Bella could be more important than my own wants and needs.

I reached the path that led to the old wooden bridge, still lost in thoughts of what could have been. Even though I had never imagined myself as a father before, the pain that came with knowing that I could have been was unbearable.

The sound of footsteps brought me out of my reverie, and my pace quickened as I heard the steady beats of a familiar heart.

Her letter had told me to meet her here at this exact time, and it had taken all my self control not to go straight to the house where she was staying, the moment I opened the envelope and read her words.

The Arcachon Bridge was beautiful at night. The stars above were reflected in the river, and a handful of streetlamps lit up the bridge with soft gleam. In the distance I could now hear soft music playing, originating from a house on the other side of the river.

I walked past a number of wooden benches, all engraved with short love notes or just two names circled by a heart. When I reached the middle of the bridge, I stopped. The sound of her heartbeats filled my mind, and as I watched her walk closer, I felt every missing piece of me being put back in place. She was here. She had chosen me.

_Mine._

Unable to wait for her to reach me, I started towards her, my pace slightly quicker than human speed. When I saw her face break into a breathtaking smile, it felt like my still heart would start beating again. She opened her arms for me, and without slowing down, I slid my arms around her waist and picked her up, holding her close to me as I gave in to all the emotions bubbling up inside me.

"Bella" I whispered, and buried my face in her brown, soft curls. I breathed in her heavenly scent, and every part of my body was in complete harmony as I held the woman I loved in my arms again.

I could feel warm teardrops against my skin, but I couldn't turn my head as she hugged herself impossibly closer to me, her legs wrapped around my waist and arms locked around my neck in a steel grip.

"I've missed you, my love. So, so much. . . ." The words were whispered against her hair. I felt her body shake and more tears hitting the back of my neck.

"I'm so sorry, Edward."

The words confused me, and I released her grip around my neck and pulled back to look at her. She was so beautiful. Her cheeks were a shade darker than when I had last seen her, and she had tiny freckles on her nose. Being in the sun definitely agreed with her; she looked lovely with some colour on her skin. Her eyes were the same deep chocolate brown that I always lost myself in, although right now they were filled with tears.

"Baby, what's wrong? Why are you sorry?" I asked, gently brushing away her tears.

She choked back the sobs, and released one hand from around my neck to place it on my cheek. I instinctively leaned into her touch.

"For leaving you and making you wait all this time," she whispered.

"Bella, honey, it's okay. You needed this; it was the right thing do to," I told her, tracing her bottom lips with my fingertips. "You don't have to apologize for anything."

She dropped her legs from around my waist, and took my hand in hers as she led me to one of the benches. I sat down first and pulled her onto my lap, cradling her in my arms again.

"Edward, I've realized something. I guess, in a way, I always knew it, but it just took me a while to understand." Bella gazed relentlessly into my eyes, as if she wanted to be sure that she had my full attention. She did, of course. I always hung on to every word she ever spoke.

After a few seconds, she raised her hand to caress my face again. "There never really was a choice to make."

I watched her, speechless, not understanding what she meant by that. She leaned closer, her lips only inches from mine before she spoke again.

"It was always you, Edward. I never wanted to live without you, but when I was forced to, I tried to do it the best I could. But then you came back, and I should have known from the second I saw your face, that there was no point in trying to pretend like what we had wasn't still as strong, and after hearing you tell me that you had never wanted to leave me in the first place, I should have believed you and maybe some of the heartbreak could have been spared.

I could never love anyone as much as I love you, I've always known that, it's just… I guess a part of me still wanted to be sure, but my heart knew all along what the right choice was."

"But-" I began, but she held her finger to my lips, silencing me.

"During all the time I was with Derek, I knew that he would never be able to take your place in my heart. I couldn't give him something that doesn't even belong to me," she said, and I tried to absorb what she was telling me.

Slowly, she leaned forward until our lips met. Everything that had happened for the past three years was gone with that kiss; every lie forgiven, every tear unshed, all the heartbreak mended and the love rebuilt, stronger than ever before.

"I love you, body and soul. I'll always be yours," I whispered against her lips.

Bella laughed softly and kissed me once more before leaning back and looking into my eyes.

"So you finally believe that you have a soul?" she asked, smiling at me. The tears were gone, replaced with nothing but happiness.

"How could I not? If I deserve this kind of heavenly gratification, surely I must have one," I answered, and then I claimed her lips again.

I don't know how long we sat there, but the sun eventually began to rise in the east, and I realized that it was time for us to leave. There was just one more thing I wanted to do first. Bella's head was resting on my shoulder; she wasn't asleep, but not far from it. Without moving her, I pulled out the car key from my pocket.

"Bella?" I whispered, kissing the top of her head.

She turned her head to face me. "Hmm?" she mumbled sleepily.

I smiled. "I'll take you home, there's just something I want to do before we leave."

She sobered up immediately and sat up straight in my lap.

"I thought we should leave a little mark of our own." I gestured at the inscriptions on the bench. Bella understood what I was saying, and reached for the key in my hand.

"Can I do it?" she asked.

"Of course you can, love." I handed her the key, and she leaned forward and started to carve out letters in the wood. It took her a great deal longer than it would have taken me to do it, but I didn't mind.

When she sat back up, she handed me the key with a pleased smile on her lips. I looked to see what she had written.

_Edward & Bella. _

_Forever and always, body and soul. _

"I'm yours, all of me, for every moment of forever," she said. "I love you, Edward."

It felt like my heart really had started to beat again. My love for this woman was beyond anything else in the world. It was everything.

"As I am yours, my love." I cradled her head in my hands, gazing into her eyes. "I will never let you go again, Bella."

And then I leaned down, and pressed my lips against hers once more.

_

* * *

_

_I tried to hide from you, __but I failed  
I tried to lie to you, but how I failed  
and even in my darkest time you gave me light  
I never knew this kind of love could feel so right  
when I'm in your arms, I find myself believe it  
We could be anywhere _

_so I__ can keep on dreaming _

_Whenever you're close to me, you`re like the sun_  
_You feel like the sun, and everyday you're telling me_  
_I am the one, I am the one who makes you shine_

_And I know, whenever you want me to, I'll go_  
_and even when you're not with me, I feel you there_  
_I only have to look and see, and I'll know where_  
_when I'm holding you the world can stop its turning_  
_you`re always gonna pull me through_  
_and I won't be returning_

* * *

The sunbeams filtered down through the trees, making everything shimmer in a ray of thousands of different colours. The small water drops on the leaves above me reflected the light, and I took the time to count them all, marvelling at the sheer magnificence of something that I had once thought was so small and trivial. Now that I could really see, I knew that the true beauty lay in the small things that most people took for granted.

I let my fingers reach out and stroke the grass beside me. It tickled my skin and felt so very soft under my fingertips.

When I looked up I saw the clear blue sky behind the treetops, the sun was smiling down on me where I lay in amazement, taking in every detail of the magical place around me with a smile of joy and delight on my lips.

I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, letting all the different fragrances in the air tickle my senses: grass, lilac blossoms, tree bark, sunshine, and rich earth. In the distance I detected an amazing scent of the sweetest perfume. I knew it very well, and I smiled as I heard light footsteps quickly coming in my direction.

Still keeping my eyes closed I gave the warm hand I held in mine a light squeeze, and felt the impossibly wonderful feeling when his fingertips began to trace a pattern up and down my arm. After all this time, my body still reacted the same way at his touch.

I turned my head slightly to the left, and waited until I felt his lips brush against mine. Soft at first, and then as the passion between us grew, the kiss deepened and intensified.

When the kiss ended, I opened my eyes and met the most beautiful golden eyes. He had that breathtaking smile on his lips and he continued tracing the pattern from my arm, to my collarbone and then up my neck, letting his fingers slip into my hair.

I marvelled at his beauty; the sun made his skin sparkle like diamonds and his soft hair glowed in the light.

I reached my hand out to delicately touch his lips, and they parted under my fingertips. His hand closed around mine as he held it to his face and gently kissed each one of my fingertips, before leaning forward to claim my lips again.

We got lost in each other, as always, and I found myself pressed against the grass with him over me. I would never get enough of this man; there was nothing in the world that could compare to what I felt when he looked at me. After all these years, the love I saw in his eyes was still as strong, the passion just as overwhelming as the first day we met. Time had not lessened any feelings I had for him; instead it had made them impossibly deeper, and I was tied to him in every way imaginable. If I hadn't experienced it myself, I would never have believed that this kind of love was real.

The light footsteps from the forest came closer, and when I heard them coming out into the meadow I gave him one more soft kiss, and then we both sat up.

Our hands were interlaced between us, and I released one to hold it out to the little girl.

"Mommy, Daddy, look, look!" A wonderful, high trilling voice called out to us.

I smiled at my beautiful daughter as she almost floated to where we sat, taking my outstretched hand and gracefully folding her legs to sit between us. She held out the most perfect white flower in her little hand, smiling as she offered it to us.

"It sparkles, just like you and Mommy do!" her voice was full of excitement and her eyes glittered as she leaned back into her father's chest. He laughed softly, and placed one arm around her waist.

"It's absolutely beautiful, sweetheart." he said, and his eyes held a love for his daughter that made my heart swell with happiness.

I looked into those hypnotizing eyes as he placed a kiss on our daughter's head. She was playing with the white flower in her hand, holding it to her face and breathing in its scent with closed eyes. Then she held it up to her father's face, and tucked it behind his ear with a pleased smile on her lips.

"There you go, Daddy. It's really pretty, don't you think, Mommy?"

I laughed and stroked her face with the hand that wasn't still in his, feeling her warm skin under my fingers.

"Yes, it is. It suits your father perfectly," I said and smiled at them both.

She was suddenly on her feet again, clapping her hands together as she looked expectantly at us. Her skin glittered faintly in the sunlight, a subtle gleam that made her look even more beautiful. Her long, bronze-coloured curls danced around her face as she turned her head towards the trees.

"I want to find one for you too, Mommy! You and Daddy can help me look!" Her voice was filled with excitement and her eyes had that sparkle in them, the one she knew I could never refuse.

I felt him stand up beside me, and then he walked over to take our daughter's hand in his.

"Okay, Renesmee, show us where you found that pretty white flower. I want you and your mom to have one too."

He looked back at me with dazzling eyes, and I stood up to follow my daughter and husband to the edge of the forest.

When I reached them, Edward leaned over to whisper softly in my ear. I shivered slightly with delight as his lips brushed my skin, sending sparks of electricity through me.

"I love you, Bella," he said, placing a kiss on my cheek.

"Forever," I murmured, taking his hand in mine.

**The End**

* * *

.

Since this is the very end, I would really **LOVE** to hear from everyone who has read this story, it would be amazing to see what you've thought of it! The reviews from the last chapter was amazing, I often re-read them because your words makes me so god damn happy :)

Well, I'll better start packing now. Moving from Sweden to Los Angeles tomorrow morning, I'm super excited! (and also have the worst cold ever known to mankind... 23 hour flight is gonna be a blast..)

THANK YOU everyone who has read, reviewd, faved, alerted and sent me PM's asking when the fuck I'm planning to post ;) You have no idea how much all this support means to me! Gonna go work on High Maintenance, Dancing in the dark, Inconvienient Switch and BCI now!

**Love!**


End file.
